Michael quotes from The Good Place

Tahani

Oh, no. I died in Cleveland?

Michael

I don't think that should be your biggest takeaway from that story.

Michael

I'm an immortal being with abilities you can only dream-

Eleanor

Yeah and we're an Arizona dirtbag, a human turtleneck, a narcissistic monster, and literally the dumbest person I've ever met.

Jason

And who am I? Describe me now!

Michael

Have you met my secretary, Jeanette? She's a lot like Janet, but she doesn't pretend like she has all the answers.

Chidi

Hi, Jeanette.

Oh, no, it's still me Janet. Michael just asked that I change my appearance, and also say things like, "You're so funny," and "So how many quarterbacks are in a home run?"

Eleanor

Do you know what's really happening right now? You're learning what it's like to be human. All humans are aware of death. So we're all a little bit sad all the time. That's just the deal.

Michael

Sounds like a crappy deal.

Eleanor

Well, yeah. It is. But we don't get offered any other ones. And if you try and ignore your sadness, it just ends up leaking out of you anyway. I've been there. And everybody's been there. So don't fight it. In the words of a very wise Bed, Bath, and Beyond employee I once knew "Go ahead and cry all you want. But you're going to have to pay for that toilet plunger."

Chidi

Michael, you've been kind of quiet. What do you think about all this?

Michael

Well, obviously the dilemma is clear. How do you kill all six people? So I would dangle a sharp blade out the window to slice the neck of the guy on the other track as we smush our five main guys.

...

Michael

Oh, I did the thing again, didn't I?

Chidi

Yep. Ten more buddy.

Michael

People good. People good. Why is that so hard to remember? People- What is it?

Chidi

Good.

Michael

Good.

Chidi

I just want to have a little chat about your progress. In the last homework assignment, I asked you to examine the ethics of Les Misérables, in which a man steals a loaf of bread to feed his starving family. Would you please read your first paragraph here?

Michael

"Everyone in this story sucks and belongs in the Bad Place. The thief is bad. The officer chasing him is bad. All the whiny prostitutes are bad. Plus, they're all French, so they're going to the Bad Place automatically."

Chidi

Do you see how you're already off topic?

Michael

Chidi, I've been around a long time like, all of it. But I know for a fact that if you steal a loaf of bread, it's a negative 17 points, 20 if it's a baguette because that makes you more French.

Michael

These five people all need organ transplants, or they will die. Eleanor's perfectly healthy. Chidi, do you want to slice her open and use her organs to save the five sick people?

Eleanor

Chidi, Chidi, think about this. I'm your hottest friend... No, Tahani. I'm your nicest fr... No, Jason. I'm your friend.

Michael

What's happening? What's wrong?

I am wrong. I can't stop glitching. I don't know why. And it's getting worse. I fear this neighborhood is in danger of total collapse. So that's the main thing. How are you?

Michael

Wait a second, Janet. What are you telling me? Are you saying that because you're glitching out the neighborhood is in danger of total collapse?

Fun fact: mathematically, it's equally likely to either im- or explode.

Michael

Okay, okay. So I suppose the next question should be; What's causing the problem?

Unclear. The glitches started out small, and then began to escalate, and then I came here looking for help, and then I started talking, and then you looked at me annoyed, like that, and now here we are.

Michael

That glitch appears to be limited to this building. So Vicky won't know.

That's the good news. The bad news is, I seem to be losing my ability to sustain object permanence. So it's sort of a glass half full, glass stops existing in time and space kind of deal.

Janets can't lie.

Michael

You lied to Vicky earlier.

Interesting. I guess I did. I suppose after 802 reboots, I must have gained the ability to lie. That's fun! I want to try to lie again... I love your outfit.

Michael

[reading manual] "In the event of continued malfunction, hold down Janet's nose, and insert paperclip into small hole behind left ear. Janet will rapidly collapse in on herself. When Janet is roughly the size of a marble, she can be launched into space through an inter-dimensional suction tube or eaten as a midday snack."

I'm very high in potassium. Like a banana!

Michael

Janet, uh, what's a food that people think they enjoy but that's also kind of a bummer?

Frozen yogurt.

Michael

Oh, yes! [laughs] Frozen yogurt. Oh, Janet, you're a genius.

Correct.

Eleanor told me that instead of being sad, I should go get it, girl. So I'm going to go get it, girl.

Michael

Get what?

Unclear. I'll get everything, just to be safe.

Michael

So, Chidi, just wanted to double check. How do ethical philosophers feel about murder?

Chidi

It's frowned upon.

Michael

Okay. What if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier? That's okay, right?