Michael quotes from The Good Place

Michael

You can summon every evil creature you have, every weapon in your arsenal, every four-headed flying bear - [to Eleanor] they have them down there - but we are not giving up. I believe that Eleanor belongs in the Good Place. If I'm wrong, you can take her to the Bad Place and punish her all you want, just really go to town on her.

Eleanor

Gah, gah, gah, easy, buddy, easy.

Michael

Listen, I don't need the Chidi who once had a panic attack during Rock-Paper-Scissors because there were, and I quote, "just too many variables." I need the Chidi who stormed in here and told me to stop Eleanor's train without thinking of consequences.

Chidi

Oh, boy, now I'm nervous about that decision.

Michael

Retroactively? I mean, how do you even...?

Chidi

I don't know.

Michael

Now, the average point total for a resident here is roughly 1.2 million. Right now, based on everything that you did on Earth, you have -4,008.

Eleanor

That's not great, but I'm gonna do nice things for every goober in this place until my point total is so high I can rub it in all their smug faces.

Chidi

You just lost five points.

Michael

Jianyu is not a Taiwanese monk, but rather someone named Jason Mendoza, a failed DJ from Jacksonville, Florida.

Jason

I wasn't a failed DJ. I was pre-successful.

Michael

Hi there, since there's no Janet here to serve you, I brought you two a little treat.

Chidi

Ah, kind of like a last meal?

Michael

Not like a last meal, just, uh, the final food you might ever eat.

Tahani

I'm gonna miss these little perks when I'm down in the Bad Place, being forced to wear a knock-off handbag and drink tap water.

Chidi

That's what you think hell is?

Eleanor

Holy motherforking shirtballs.

Chidi

What?

Eleanor

Oh, man. [She starts laughing.] Wow! Okay, okay… Yo, Mikey! Shawn! Come on out.

Michael

Is everything okay?

Eleanor

Right as rain, Mikey my boy. So, Chidi and I are gonna go to the Bad Place.

Chidi

What?!

Eleanor

[to Chidi] Trust me, I've got this. [to Michael and Shawn] That's our decision. Let's hit it.

Michael

Well, what about Real Eleanor?

Eleanor

No, it's me and Chidi. Call the train.

Shawn

Point of order. I don't accept this offer. The real mistakes were Jason and Eleanor.

Eleanor

Gah, gah, gah, gah! You said any two of us. It's me and Chidi. Let's do it to it.

Michael! I just found an obscure precedent in the rules that might just save everyone.

Eleanor

Buzz off, Bambadjan! Don't need it.

…oh. Okay. [he leaves]

Eleanor

[to Michael] Ready when you are, boss.

Chidi

Eleanor, what's going on?

Eleanor

[turns back to face Tahani, Jason, and Chidi] It took me a while to figure it out. But just now, as we were all fighting, and yelling at each other, and each one of us demanding we should go to the Bad Place, I thought to myself, "Man, this is torture." And then it hit me: they're never gonna call a train to take us to the Bad Place. They can't, because we're already here. This is the Bad Place.

Michael

Oh, man! I can't believe you figured it out.

Michael

Eleanor you and I both know that you're not like everyone else in this neighborhood. Everyone here led a remarkable life. But you the work you did as an environmental activist was just extraordinary!

Eleanor

Ah, well, it's the environment. I mean, I loved, um mushrooms. I can honestly say that.

Michael

Well, it paid off, because you were the number one point-getter in this entire neighborhood. And as such, I was just hoping that you could say a few words at tonight's welcome party. You know, just to introduce yourself.

Eleanor

How can I say no? Can I say no? It doesn't feel like I can say no. But if I can: Michael, I'm saying no.

Michael

Okay, so, you'll speak for maybe an hour or so?

You said that if Eleanor tries to confess that she doesn't belong here, find a reason to avoid her, like saying, "I'm going to the gym," so that's what I've been saying.

Michael

That was a suggestion of the type of thing you could say! How many times have you specifically told her you were going to the gym?

Five. No, nine.

Michael

You dimwit!

Hey, man! I was perfectly happy in my old job in the twisting department. People came in, and I twist them until they snapped in half, and I move on to the next one. But this job is weird! It's all talk, no twisting. So if you don't like the way I do it, get somebody else. I'm going to the gym!

Eleanor

This is the wise monk who gave me the magic amulet. I gotta figure out what it means. Could be the key to this entire mystery.

Michael

Luang, perfect. Why don't you take Jianyu back to your yurt, right away?

Jason

Homey, no! I'm not spending another second with this loser. You said he was gonna be my best friend, but he is not. My best friend from Jacksonville was named Pillboi, and he was dope! We would talk together, get high together, throw old batteries at drones together. But this guy can't hold a camel to Pillboi.

Eleanor

Okay, I no longer think he's a wise monk, and I'm pretty sure this is just a piece of garbage.

Jason

Yo YO! Homies! Check in. 'Cuz there's something messed up about this place. We keep fighting each other. None of the TVs get the NFL RedZone channel. My soul mate doesn't even know who Blake Bortles is. I know this sounds crazy, but…I think we're in the Bad Place?

Michael

[horrified] Jason figured it out? Jason? This is a real low point. Yeah, this one hurts. Ow.

Jason

You're saying a lot of words right now, and I only know some of them, like "rat" and "Jason," but I know a little wisdom I can give you.

Michael

I know everything that happened in your life, and it was all stupid, so I highly doubt that.

Michael

Let's not get all caught up on who lied to who or which one of us created an entire fake reality in order to cause eternal misery for the others. That's ancient history.

Chidi

It was happening until 20 seconds ago.

Jason

I'll tell you what I want to know right now before we go any further. Did the Jacksonville Jaguars win the Super Bowl last year?

Michael

[chuckles] Oh, you're serious. Uh, no.

Jason

Will they ever win the Super Bowl?

Michael

Jason, I can't predict the future. But no. They won't.

Michael

I gotta say, it took me a long time to get used to - the hanging bits.

Eleanor

Gross.

Michael

Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, Eleanor. I was talking about my testicles.

Michael

We're running out of time, and I'm your only option.

Eleanor

"We're running out of time and I'm your only option?" A lot of guys your age said that to me just as the bar was about to close. But I never settled for them. Because my ex-boyfriend lived nearby, he was obsessed with me and he never slept because he was addicted to Adderall. There is always another option.