Michael quotes from The Good Place

Michael

All I've ever really wanted was to know what it feels like to be human, and now we're going to do the most human thing of all: attempt something futile with a ton of unearned confidence and fail spectacularly!

Michael

Oh, spare me the sanctimonious lecture. You never cared about me. In the words of one of my actual friends: Ya basic. It's a human insult. It's devastating. You're devastated right now.

Michael

For months, you and I have been debating: Are people good or bad? But as I watched those three people pick themselves up and dust themselves off, I realized we've been asking the wrong question. What matters isn’t if people are good or bad. What matters is if they’re trying to be better today than they were yesterday. You asked me where my hope comes from? That’s your answer.

Michael

Hi, Eleanor. I'm Michael. How are you today?

Eleanor

I'm great. Thanks for asking. Oh, one question. Where am I? Who are you? And what's going on?

Michael

Right, so, you, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead. Your life on Earth has ended, and you are now in the next phase of your existence in the universe.

Eleanor

Cool.

Eleanor

Um, so who was right? I mean about all of this?

Michael

Well, let's see. Hindus are a little bit right, Muslims a little bit. Jews, Christians, Buddhists, every religion guessed about 5%, except for Doug Forcett.

Eleanor

Who's Doug Forcett?

Michael

Well, Doug was a stoner kid who lived in Calgary during the 1970s. One night, he got really high on mushrooms, and his best friend, Randy, said, "Hey, what do you think happens after we die?" And Doug just launched into this long monologue where he got like 92% correct. I mean, we couldn't believe what we were hearing!

Tahani

I knew tonight was going to be perfect, but now it's going to be even perfect-er. Obviously, it's impossible for something to be more perfect than perfect.

Michael

Well, it isn't, actually. Any place or thing in the universe can be up to 104% perfect. That's how you got Beyoncé.

Hi, there! We have a Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis.

Michael

A Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis!?

Tahani

Sorry, what is a Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis?

Michael

It's nothing, it's a tiny little inconvenience. Tahani, dear, could you show us to a private room where no one can see or hear us, even if I yell very loudly out of fear?

Michael

So to prepare to meet all of you, I studied the human concept of friends. I even watched all ten seasons of the show Friends. Boy, those friends really were "friends," weren't they? Although - and I realize this is the kind of observation that would only occur to the mind of an eternal being. How did they afford that apartment? A waitress and a chef with those Manhattan real estate prices.

Eleanor

Yeah, we were all confused about that too.

Tahani

By the way, uh, what's your favorite color for the tablecloths?

Michael

Well, it's not perceptible by human eyes. It's called "pleurigloss."

Tahani

Could you describe it?

Michael

It's the color of... When a soldier comes home from war and sees his dog for the first time.

Tahani

Hmm. How about blue?

Michael

For a being like me, retirement is not something fun.

Tahani

What is "retirement" for you exactly?

Michael

Well, I wasn't gonna share this so as not to upset you, but it's, a... an extreme form of punishment. We call it "The Eternal Shriek." My soul will be disintegrated, and each molecule will be placed on the surface of a different burning sun. And then my... my essence will be scooped out of my body with a flaming ladle and poured over hot diamonds.

Tahani

Oh, but the diamonds sound lovely.

Michael

They're not. And then what's left of my body will be endlessly beaten with a titanium rod, like a...

Tahani

Like a piñata.

Michael

Yes, except you have the string around my waist, but instead it will definitely be around my genitals.

Michael

Well, Janet's been murdered. That's a nice capper to this wonderful day. I don't really know what happens now because Janet has never been murdered before... only today, here on my watch, while I was distracted with a party that Tahani was throwing for me, which I didn't want.

Tahani

Michael, you mustn't blame yourself.

Michael

I'm not. I'm blaming you.

Michael, good news. I was able to obtain Eleanor Shellstrop's file.

Michael

Is it actually a cactus?

I don't understand.

Michael

I want to see the file for Eleanor Shellstrop. Is that what you have, or do you have a cactus?

I have the file.

Michael

You're sure? You have the file and not a cactus?

That is correct. I have Eleanor Shellstrop's file. I do not have a cactus.

Michael

Excellent. Please, give me the file.

Here you go.

Michael

Did you ever take off your shoes and socks on a commercial airline?

Eleanor

And socks? Ew, who would do that?

Michael

People who go to the Bad Place, Eleanor, that's the point. And unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here, you will spend eternity with murderers, and arsonists, and people who take off their shoes and socks on commercial airlines.

Eleanor

I'll tell you, but it doesn't make me look great, so don't judge me.

Michael

That's literally the purpose of this entire exercise.

Trevor

Look, if you don't come with us, we're gonna have to turn this matter over to Shawn.

Michael

Oh, oh, no, um, Shawn, really?

Chidi

What uh, who's Shawn?

Michael

He's the wise, eternal Judge who sits on high, has the final say on all disputes between our two realms.

Tahani

And his name is... "Shawn"?