Eleanor quotes from The Good Place

Jason

I never thought I'd be the one to say it, but this is getting out of hand. I think we gotta go to the cops.

Eleanor

What cops? Where do you think we are?

Jason

And to Janet, the best robot...

Not a robot.

Jason

Girl...

Not a girl.

Jason

And straight up hottie...

I am attractive, yes.

Jason

Any of us could have ever asked for.

Thanks, guys. Because of the way we were conceived of and created, Janets don't typically give speeches...

Eleanor

Oh, she's done. She's not gonna give a speech.

Michael

As long as I'm with you guys, I'm always in the fake Good Place.

Eleanor

That doesn't sound as nice as you think it does.

Michael

The real Bad Place was the friends we made along the way.

Eleanor

Nope. Still nonsense. One more try.

Michael

In a way, the Good Place was inside the Bad Place all along?

Eleanor

You know what? That's technically true. I'm gonna give it to you.

Michael

I just made an aphorism.

Chidi

Here's the thing about me. You know the sound a fork makes in the garbage disposal? That's the sound my brain makes. All the time. It's just the constant grinding about things that I'm afraid of oorrr things that I want or want to want, or want to want to wa...

Eleanor

You're grindin' in there right now, bud.

Eleanor

Damn, you're good at this.

Tahani

Well, hang out with Johnny Depp long enough, and you become pretty good at lying. Like, "No, your whole thing isn't exhausting at all."

Eleanor

What if lying is ethical in this situation? What if certain actions aren't universally good or bad? - Like Jonathan Dancy says.

Chidi

Jonathan Dancy? Are you talking about moral particularism? We never even covered that. You read on your own?

Eleanor

You think just because I'm a straight hottie I can't read philosophy for fun?

Eleanor

Michael said the portal would lead us to the Judge, so where's the Judge? All I see is a burrito.

Chidi

Do you think it's a test? Like, maybe one of us is supposed to eat it, or we eat it together, or or maybe, maybe it's a test to see how long we can go without eating it.

Jason

I'm not scared of any burrito. I'll eat it. Unless the burrito is the Judge.

Tahani

Don't be so bloody ridiculous. Judges aren't food, judges are serious people who wear long, silk nightgowns and big, white powdered wigs.

Eleanor

The little voice in your head sounds like the old lady from Downton Abbey?

Tahani

Oh, yeah, sorry. Maggie Smith is my godmother.

Hey Eleanor! Do you want to come to Lauren's baby shower!?

Eleanor

Do you want to chew on my ass...sortment of brownies that I will be bringing to Lauren's baby shower?

S-sure...

Eleanor

I'm actually trying to eat vegetarian.

Ew! Why?

Is it because you feel bad for all the widdle animals with their cute widdle faces because people stuff them into tiny cages just so that we can eat them?

Eleanor

Yeah. That's exactly why.

Michael

You know, I had a friend that said whenever she was doing something bad, she'd hear this this little voice in her head, distant little voice, saying, "Oh, come on now. You know this is wrong." And then when she started doing good things, that voice went away. It was a relief.

Eleanor

Your friend sounds like she's one pick short of a pickle party.

Michael

She's a little rough around the edges, but she was also a really good person, when she tried. See, I think that little voice was her conscience, trying to guide her in the right direction.

Eleanor

I gotta go home. What do I owe ya?

Michael

The real question, Eleanor…is what do we owe to each other?

Eleanor

What? Did I sell you a drink? - Am I a bartender?

Michael

Drinks are on me. Good luck.

Eleanor

You know what? I'm glad this whole thing happened because now, I can go back to living my life the way I used to: only caring about myself because being good is POINTLESS.

Michael

NO, no ah, please, Eleanor-

Eleanor

No. Thank you. I'm outie. See you in Hell.

Eleanor

You what I just realized? I always say that whenever I leave a room. But now? It's accurate! I will LITERALLY... SEE ALL OF YOU IN HELL.

Jason

Not if I see you first!

Chidi

You put the Peeps in the chili pot and eat them both up! You put the Peeps in the chili pot and add the M&M's! You put the Peeps... in the chili pot, it makes it taste... bad...

Chidi

Imma eat all this chili. And/or... die trying. Anyone want any? I'm just gonna... put it right down here. C'mon! Dip your paws in my chili. Scoop your little mittens right in the stew.

Professor? I can see that you're going through something. But exams are next week, so can you teach us anything?

Chidi

All right... NERD. Y'wanna LEARN somethin', I'll TEACH ya somethin'! I'ma teach ya the meanin' of life! How d'ya like THEM apples?

Chidi

Now, over the last twenty five hundred years, Western philosophers have formed three main theories on how to live an ethical life. Now, first off... there's Virtue Ethics. Aristotle believed that there were certain virtues of mind and character like courage or generosity and you should try to develop yourself in accordance with those virtues.

Tahani

The gift will be anonymous.

Chidi

Next, there's Consequentialism; the basis for judgement about whether something is right or wrong stems from the consequences of that action; how much utility or good did it accomplish versus how much pain or bad.

Chidi

And finally, there's Deontology. The school of thought that there are strict rules and duties that EVERYONE must adhere to in a functioning society.

Chidi

Being ethical is simply identifying and obeying those duties and following those rules. But here's the thing, my little chili babies: all THREE of those theories are hot, stinky cat dookie. The TRUE meaning of life -- the ACTUAL ethical system that you should all follow -- is NIHILISM. The world... is EMPTY. There is NO POINT... to ANYTHING and you're JUST GONNA DIE. So DO WHATEVER! And now, I'm gonna eat my marshmallow candy chili in silence and YOU ALL... can jump. Up. Your own. BUTTS.

Is that gonna be on the test?

Chidi

Yes. And no. And you all get A's. or F's. And there is no test. And you all failed it. And you all got A's. Who cares? Goodbye. GOODBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...

Eleanor

Cool lecture. And cooler shirt. Feelin' all right?

Chidi

I feel fine! I DO have a stomachache. Why do I ALWAYS have a stomachache?

Eleanor

Well, you just ate fifty pounds of chili, bro. This one's on you. Look, I know the future seems bleak. But I have a plan. Come with me.

Eleanor

NAH-AH-AH. Leave that chili, weirdo.

Eleanor

Holy forking shirtballs...we're in the Good Place!

Tahani

Are we SURE we're in the ACTUAL Good Place? It's rather...carpeted.

Jason

Yeah, I don't see any go-karts, much less go-karts being driven by monkeys wearing sunglasses and Hawaiian shirts.

Chidi

What?

Eleanor

Don't.

Michael

No, this is definitely some part of the Good Place. Just take a deep breath.

Eleanor

Whoa! That smells like Typhoon Falls! My favorite water park when I was a kid! Mmm...chlorine, suntan lotion, Band-Aids and a thick cloud of teen hormones.

Michael

When I was researching my fake neighborhood, I learned about this. The Good Place smells like whatever makes you happiest.

Chidi

Warm pretzels...or, no, wait...it's the smell of absolute moral truth?

Those two things have very similar smells.

Chidi

Hey, there, Smashy, before you start grabbin' any other throwin' lamps, you have anything you need to talk about?

Eleanor

I can't take this anymore, man! All the running and the hiding and the fighting and this whole insane journey and now all that stands between us and the actual Good Place is one door? What is that, two inches thick? That's like FOUR Oreos! We're FOUR OREOS FROM HEAVEN!!

Chidi

I know, I know, I know, it's an insane situation.

Chidi

But! I am right here with you. So, let's take a deep breath.

Eleanor

Okay. The smell of the barf from the wave pool is really helping.

Chidi

...How? Why?