Eleanor quotes from The Good Place

Eleanor

I mean, somebody royally forked up. Somebody forked up. Why can't I say "fork"?

Chidi

If you're trying to curse, you can't here. I guess a lot of people in this neighborhood don't like it, so it's prohibited.

Eleanor

That's bullshirt.

Hi there. How can I help you?

Eleanor

What the fork? Who are you?

I'm Janet. I'm the informational assistant here in the Good Place.

Chidi

She's like this walking database. You can ask her about the creation of the universe or history...

Eleanor

Oh, there was a guy who lived in Avondale, Arizona, around 2002. His name was Kevin Paltonic. Is he gay?

No.

Eleanor

Really? Huh. I guess he just didn't want to have sex with me.

That's correct.

Eleanor

Well, that's fine, I wasn't that into him anyway.

Yes, you were.

Hi there. Do you have a second to talk about the environment?

Eleanor

Do you have a second to eat my farts?

You missed.

Eleanor

[scoffs] Pick it up if you're so horny for the environment.

Eleanor

Look. I might not have been a saint, but it's not like I killed anybody. I wasn't an arsonist. I never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.

Chidi

Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.

Eleanor

Quick question: can anyone access our search history, or is this an incognito browsing situation like when you're stalking a hot mailman from your work computer?

It is 100% confidential. No one can access what you ask me, including Michael. Now, what kind of pornography would you like to see?

Chidi

You are too selfish to ever be a good person.

Eleanor

Well, I think you're wrong.

Chidi

What country am I from, again?

Eleanor

Sen...sodyne?

Chidi

That is a brand of toothpaste.

Eleanor

It's like, who died and left Aristotle in charge of ethics?

Chidi

(pointing to the board) Plato!

Tahani

So "Tahani" means "congratulations" in Arabic. And "Al-Jamil" means "beautiful," so my full name altogether means...

Eleanor

"Congratulations, Beautiful.."

Tahani

Thanks, Eleanor. You big flirt.

Chidi

Basically, my life's work is 3,600 pages of garbage. Even Michael couldn't understand it.

Eleanor

So? What does Michael know?

Chidi

Everything. That's my point... he knows everything, and it was too convoluted, even for him.

Eleanor

Michael does not know everything. Michael does not know I'm not supposed to be here. You wrote 4,000 pages on one of the most complicated subjects in the world. I mean I used to get bored halfway through writing a text message. Be proud.

Jason

When I say I'm meditating, I'm just trying to figure out what the fork is happening. I think we might be in an alien zoo or on a prank show.

Eleanor

No, Jianyu, we're dead.

Jason

Whoa, that's a dope prank.

Jason

I didn't get into heaven to go to school.

Eleanor

You didn't get into heaven at all, shirt-for-brains.

Chidi

So, to sum up: Utilitarianism posits that the correct choice is the one that causes the most good or pleasure, and the least pain and suffering.

Eleanor

I like this one. It's simple. Ugh, screw all the other complicated theories, why didn't you start with this one?

Chidi

Ah, but here's the problem. If all that matters is the sum total of "goodness," then you can justify any number of bad actions, like torturing one innocent person to save a hundred, or preemptive war...

Jason

Oh, dip, I get it. It's like, I knew this girl Sheila. She was a black market alligator dealer with a pierced jawbone.

Chidi

Um, okay, what?

Jason

Sheila was gonna get married to my boy, Donkey Doug and make him move to Sarasota. It would've broken up my whole break dancing crew and Donkey Doug was our best pop-and-locker. So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards in Sheila's garage and called the cops. I framed one innocent gator dealer to save a 60-person dance crew.

Chidi

Shockingly, that is a relevant example of the Utilitarian dilemma. Well done.

Chidi

I am in paradise! I should be doing paradise things, like rowing out on a lake with a good bottle of wine, reading French poetry.

Eleanor

That's your idea of paradise?

Eleanor

Look at all these dishes piling up. I used to just throw them in the sink and they'd be magically clean by morning.

Chidi

I did that. I cleaned the dishes.

Eleanor

Oh... Then what's up with these bad boys?

Chidi

You are unbelievable.

Chidi

Quick summary of contractualism. Uh, imagine a group of reasonable people are coming up with the rules for a new society.

Eleanor

Like if your Uber driver talks to you, the ride should be free?

Chidi

Sure, but anyone can veto any rule that they think is unfair. So if you said, "We should be able to break our promises without any repercussions," someone would veto that rule.

Eleanor

Well, my first rule would be that no one can veto my rules.

Chidi

Well, that's called tyranny. And it's generally frowned upon.