The Golden Girls · Season 5
Your brother Phil, God rest his brain, gives the worst presents in the world! What kind of a gift is dental floss?
Well, it's waxed and mint-flavored.
[tosses package to Rose] Here, go floss yourself. This stinks! After the swell gift I sent him!
What was it?
A catalog item.
L.L. Bean?
Victoria's Secret.
Like we say in St. Olaf, Christmas without fruitcake is like Saint Sigmund's Day without the Headless Boy!
You know, being here reminds me of my favorite Christmas back in 1951, which I spent at the USO, making a better Christmas for our boys getting ready to leave for Korea. I gave those servicemen something even Mr. Bob Hope himself could not give them.
A rash?
Remember, you only buy for the person whose name you pick, and it doesn't matter who picks you because it's bound to be a terrific gift. Go ahead, Blanche.
[Picking out a name for who she's going to buy a present for] Okay, I buy for... Dorothy.
Yes! Oh yes yes yes yes!
Boy Blanche, I didn't realize you were such a big spender.
[giggles nervously]
Go ahead Dorothy, you go.
Okay, I I buy for.... Ma.
Yes! [she and Dorothy slap each other five and cheer]
[Blanche, realizing she is going to get Rose's gift, now looks mortified]
This really was a great idea! This is really fun!
Oh shut up, Rose!
My turn... I buy for.... Rose.
Oh! Thank You God!
No, no, Rose, you can't pick yourself.
Oh thank goodness, I'm so hard to shop for.
Rose, you buy for....
Blanche. [Blanche looks pained]
Thanks Dorothy, this really was a great idea. I don't wanna spoil the surprise, but in a couple of weeks someone in this room is gonna know how to yodel! [Blanche buries her head in the palm of her hand, while Dorothy and Sophia look on and grin]
Rose, why are the Christmas cookies in the shape of American flags and Liberty Bells?
I couldn't find the Christmas cookie cutters, so I used the Fourth of July cookie cutters instead.
[taking a bite of a cookie] I wonder where President Bush stands on eating the flag.
[to a pregnant Mary] Now you come into the kitchen with me, honey, I'll get you some pickles and ice cream.
Oh, no thanks, I don't have any strange cravings yet.
Strange?
[to Mary] So when's the baby due?
Ma! You're talking to a sixteen-year-old girl!
A knocked-up sixteen-year-old girl.
[Everyone looks at Mary, who nods slightly.]
Ma, how did you know that?
She had the same look of panic on her face that you had when you were pregnant. Sort of like a deer caught in the headlights. I only thought pregnant sixteen-year-old girls had that look until I saw Dan Quayle on TV.
[Merrill is being released from prison to see Blanche after she's written him letters, Sophia is running around with a small box putting things into it]
Ma, what are you doing?
Merrill called, he's coming over, so I'm hiding our valuables.
Oh, Ma, I don't think he's dangerous. You've read those letters to Blanche. They're almost lyrical.
[Doorbell rings. It's Merrill]
I want Blanche.
Break out the finger sandwiches, Mr. Astaire looks hungry.
[To Dorothy] Are you Blanche?
No!
[To Sophia] How about you, cutie?
Boy, this guy's done hard time.
[Blanche shocked to see Merrill who was released from prison]
Dorothy, you didn't tell me you were having company.
This is Merrill.
Well, how do you do, Merrill? [realizing who he is immediately jumps from the couch] MERRILL!
He is here to see Blanche, and we told him we don't know when Blanche will be back.
Oh, no, you wouldn't want to wait around for her, she's cold... frigid, hardly likes men at all.
And she's ugly, isn't she?
Ugly is kind of a strong word, Rose.
And wrinkled.
She is not wrinkled.
And fat.
Stop that! You stop that right now, she is none of those things, she is gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous!
All right, works for me, tell Blanche I'll be back.
[after Merrill leaves] And stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!
[about Mary's dog Samson] Did I ever tell you what that dog did to my friend Ida Silverman?
No, what?
He ate her! Gobbled her up without a trace, support hose and all!
Ma, Ida's daughter told me she moved to Fort Lauderdale.
The woman's in denial! I saw that dog with Ida's blue scarf in his mouth and no one has seen her since!
You think that since Mary went out and got herself pregnant, she's a slut. Well, let me tell you what a slut is. A slut is a girl who gets knocked up in the back of a Studebaker. It was a Studebaker, right, Dorothy?
It was a Nash, Ma.
Now that's a slut.
[comes into the kitchen dressed in cowgirl costume] Oh, Dorothy, by any chance did you borrow my pearl-handled six-shooter?
Blanche, you look ridiculous!
Oh, I do not! I'm a cowgirl! Yippie-i-o-K-Y!
Ki-yay.
Whatever.
All right, all right, I can pick up a cue. Picture it: Sicily, 1912. A beautiful young peasant girl with clear olive skin meets an exciting but penniless Spanish artist. There's an instant attraction. They laugh, they sing, they slam down a few boilermakers. Shortly afterwards he's arrested for showing her how he can hold his pallete without using his hands... but I digress. He paints her portrait and they make passionate love. She spends much of the next day in the shower with a loofah sponge scrubbing his fingerprints off her body. She sees the portrait and is insulted. It looks nothing like her, and she storms out of his life forever. That peasant girl was me. And that painter... was Pablo Picasso.
Ma, I have a feeling you're lying.
Be positive, Dorothy.
OK, I'm POSITIVE you're lying!
[in unison] You're special.
You're nuts.
What's the point of wearing this if I've got nothing to put in it?
I say that every morning when I'm putting on my bra.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Golden Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
