(Will is speaking to Ashley and Hilary in the kitchen)
You know, I used to think the only reason to kill a man was self-defense, but I just spent 45 minutes in the Volvo with another reason.
(Carlton then walks into the kitchen dressed and acting like a mime)
HilaryWhat's wrong with him?
This idiot is taking a mime class.
(Carlton continues his mime act directly towards Will, pulling on a rope)
Carlton, get... I swear to God, Carlton, get away from me with this. Stop. Stop playing. Carlton, stop or I'll hang you with that rope!
(Carlton mimes himself being hanged by a rope)
All right, that's it. That's it.
(Will throws Carlton, out the kitchen into the garden and locks the kitchen door)
I was going to throw him out on the freeway... but you know the old saying: A mime is a terrible thing to waste.
[everyone in the living room is annoyed by the sound of Vivian's bell]
WPWill, Philip, Carlton, Hilary, Ashley, Vy, and Janice
[all scream] STOP WITH THE DAMN BELL!!!!!
(At a comedy club's showcase where Will's jokes bomb)
Hilary
Will's really bombing up there. We should do something.
Good idea. Boo, get off the stage, we want our money back, go back where you came from.
(on TV; proposes to Hilary) Hilary Banks!
Hilary
Yes, Trevor?!
Will you marry me?! (slams into the ground; whole family and Geoffrey watch in disbelief)
I ain't no bungee expert or nothin', but I don't think he's supposed to be slammin' into the ground like that.
(The footage of Trevor's untimely death is cut to a "Please Stand By" message)
Hilary
"Please Stand By"? Great, the president's about to interrupt my marriage proposal.
Let's just pray that Trevor's okay. (later, after returning from Trevor's funeral) It was a lovely service.
Trevor didn't look so bad for a dude that had a concrete facelift.
Fool! Like that was his real head.
Could you two show a little compassion? Your sister is right behind you.
(Hilary comes into the room, wearing a black wedding dress with Vivian comforting her)
Hilary
I still can't understand.
Sweetheart, the lord giveth and the lord taketh away.
Hilary
No, I mean technically, am I a widow or what? This is all my fault, if I hadn't asked for a special proposal, Trevor would've been in my arms, instead of in my purse. (Pulls out a small urn.) I love you, Trevor. (Cries)
Um, Hilary? Trevor wasn't cremated.
Hilary
Eww! Then who's this? (Hands the urn to Will who in turn, passes the urn to Geoffrey.)
(Holding the urn) I'll see him to the door, sir.
O.K., Miss Banks. You were the former tenant of the aforementioned pool house. Is that correct?
Hilary
Yes.
O.K., could you please tell us of your experiences there?
Hilary
Am I under oath?
Hilary
Well, Trevor would come over at about 3:00 in the morning and we would...
WPWill, Philip and Carlton
Objection!
(Will sits at the kitchen table, Hilary enters the kitchen and throws a newspaper on the table)
Hilary
Look at this.
Will (reading newspaper): "Powerful earthquake rattles northern coast."
Hilary
Oh, boo-hoo.
(turns paper over and points to page): This.
"Television personality Leeza Gibbons was shocked to learn that the woman attempting to vandalize her car was none other than rival talk show host, Hilary Banks."
Hilary
(groans)
"Banks, seen here, wielding a potato..."
Hilary
Wielding? I was not wielding, I was rubbing.
I rubbed that damn potato all over Leeza's car and it didn't even make a scratch.
At least they didn't catch me putting my keys in her exhaust pipe.
Hilary, you were supposed to- never mind.
Hilary (aiming video camera at television to record Leeza Gibbons' show): Geoffrey?! Geoffrey?!! Geoffrey!!!
Hilary
I have been calling you for fifteen minutes. Didn't you hear me?
Yes, but I so rarely have a woman scream my name. I was rather enjoying it.
We can see Will, but we have to go right home after that.
Well, apparently we're driving the nursing staff crazy.
(Hilary and a nurse walk into the room)
Hilary
I don't understand. I'm just a visitor. Why do I need medication? And what is Prozac anyway? Do you think I need this? I feel fine.
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air · 318 quotes
