Lewis Kiniski quotes from The Drew Carey Show

Drew

[After walking into Mimi's apartment] Wow! Suddenly my eyes won't focus.

Lewis

Boy, you go to a garage sale and you wonder who buys all that crap...

Lewis

Sorry I'm late. I was signing up for DrugCo's testing program.

Oswald

They test drugs on employees?

Lewis

Yeah, they used to test them on rats but they kept exploding.

Drew

Gee, doc, are there any side effects to this new drug? Well, just the one: kaboom!

Oswald

Hey, I want in on this! What kind of drugs are they testing?

Lewis

Smart drugs.

Oswald

They got drugs that make you smarter? What do they do?

Lewis

Well, our friend Oswald has stumbled onto a complex question: what is intelligence?

Drew

Well, it's not finding out rats explode and going "Hey, where do I sign up?"

Oswald

Let's go get something soft to eat. My cavity is hurting and neurons are spiking through my cerebral cortex like electrons through a linear accelerator.

Lewis

...What'd you say?

Oswald

...I said, "Let's get yogurt."

Lewis

Oh, okay. For a minute there I thought you said something smart. [They start to leave] Hey, are they still using linear accelerators?

Oswald

Actually, most particle accelerators are circular.

Lewis

Don't you mean "elliptical"?

Oswald

Ah, but aren't all circles ellipses? [They laugh] ... where's the car?

Kate

We're not going to fight for a job.

Lewis

What if we provide a cage?

Lewis

Now do you think there's any way we can prove that Oswald's mentally incompetent?

I think it would be harder to prove that he's not.

Drew

You've finally got a guy you can take home to Mom. What's not to like? [to Jay] I'd lose the earring.

Oswald

I'd take the hair down an inch.

Lewis

And how 'bout a skosh more room in those jeans?

Drew

I want this promotion more than anything.

Lewis

More than pubic hair when you were twelve?

Drew

Yeah, like I used that for the next eight years.

Oswald

What's it for anyway?

Jay

It's like the lettuce on the fruit plate. It's just for presentation.

Oswald

If you'd bothered to swallow that, you would have realized it had absolutely no aftertaste.

Lewis

(Takes a sip, puckers lips, then smiles) Hey! The rotten egg taste is gone!

Lewis

I can't make it out through all the squiggly lines. Why don't you just pay the $10 a month so we can actually see it?

Drew

I can't. I already get the Cartoon Network, and I heard if you get that and the Sex Channel, they put you in a special file.

Lewis

[sipping from a wading pool] This has gotta be at least the fifth biggest margarita I've ever drank in my life.

Larry

The fifth biggest?

Lewis

Frat party, frat party, frat party, and the Super Mucho Grande Margarita at La Cucaracha's, which actually has its own undertow.

Kate

Drew, please tell me this isn't Mrs. Louder's dog!

Kate

What did you do? He was a prize breeding dog! They're supposed to look like that!

Lewis

Well, it doesn't matter. I mean, fur grows back, right?

Drew

Unfortunately, we had something done to him that...doesn't grow back. (Kate understands, and she kneels down next to Lucky.)

Drew

Now, who the hell is that?

Lewis

I've heard of animals finding their way home; Maybe it's Lucky's testicles.

Drew

Well, it was two knocks. (He opens the door to find Mr. Wick standing there.) Well, I was close.

I suspect that was an insult, Carey but I don't have time. I've come to get Lucky.

I meant Mrs. Louder's dog. (Mr. Wick sees Lucky, but doesn't realize that it's him.) My God, Carey, your dog is butt-ugly!

Oswald

Well, maybe looks don't really matter when you love your pet. (turning to Lewis) Remember that dog you had? he was ugly!

Lewis

That wasn't a dog.

Oswald

Then what was I feeding?

Lewis

That was Chester, the DrugCo cat! By the way, he's a bear now.

Drew

Come on, guys. I gotta leave in 15 minutes, I still haven't found anything nice to say about Mr. Louder.

Lewis

Oh, I got something. It says here he invented the word "sweatshop."

Drew

[incredulously] Really? Mr. Louder was a crusader for workers' rights.

Lewis

No, not exactly. He's quoted as saying, "I want to see my workers sweat so much in my shops, I can call them sweatshops, or maybe stink boxes. Oh hell, I don't care. I hate workers. Hey, where's my hat? I think I'm gonna be sick." Oh, he was a drinker, too.

Drew

Kate, you got anything about him?

Kate

Well, kind of. Did you know he invented the cubicle?

Drew

No way!

Kate

Yeah. Originally, it was a cage, but he experimented and found out you only need three walls and people are trapped in their minds.

Drew

Oh, my God, I can just walk out!

Lewis

Man... what do you get a guy who's just lost the girl of his dreams and is having a gay green-card wedding just to get his crappy job back?

Oswald

Champagne flutes?

Lewis

You read my mind.