The Cleveland Show quotes

Rallo

Mama, can I have some chocolate milk too for trying?

Donna

Of course you can have some. When you actually find something. Well, I'm off to the grocery store.

Rallo

Don't forget that stuff Miss Lowenstein needs you to buy me for the recital this Sunday.

Oh, for Mother's Day?

Rallo

Uh. You mean, other's day, 'cause Sunday is just an other day. [laughs] Nothing special.

Huh. Nothing special my fanny. Check out what I made for my mommy for Mommy's Day. [lifts the present to reveal a clay model of Evelyn's head] I made a bust of my mom's head. [pours milk on it] It's also a volcano! [makes sounds as the milk explodes] Spew. Spew. Spew.

Donna

[sobs] Well, I'm running late for weeping in my car.

Bye!

Rallo

Have you lost you mind? You don't mention Mother's Day in front of her. The woman was abandoned at birth by her mother.

Donna was? Oh yeah. [thinking] Poor Donna. Well, I'd better talk to her. Good thing I've been practicing my listening face.

Donna

Cleveland, what the hell are you doing?

Listening!

Count to five before you follow me.

[exasperated] Yeah, I know the drill. [after Roberta leaves] Bitch.

Why do I listen to you!?

Thanks for making it so we can't have costumes, Roberta. You ruined Halloween!

It's my mom and Cleveland's fault. They're the ones who said we can't buy costumes this year.

Rallo

Except for me, 'cause I'm so cuuute! [stabs a tomato with a knife] Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!

Awww. [to Cleveland Jr.] Look, I'm still going out this Halloween, and since I can't go with someone sexy, I'm gonna dress up as the least sexy thing possible. [changes her hair into Donna's] This is how I'm getting back at my mom.

You're gonna have sex with my dad!

No! I'm going as my mom. And you should go as Cleveland. Then we could go out, egg houses, T.P. trees...

Rallo

I cut myself pretty bad!

And people will think Dad did it.

Come on, Junior. Let's get you in Cleveland's clothes. [walks to the closet]

Okay, but don't look at my breasts. They're not finished.

Rallo

[off-screen] Oh, no, no, no. Y'all keep planning your pranks. I'll just sit over here and bleed out.

Rallo

Look what Nicki Minaj gave me! [he comes in with long pink hair] She also gave me this! [shows off his huge posterior he got from Nicki]

And now back to Mystery Science Magic Johnson Theater 3000.

Daaaaamn! The flying saucer just crashed and bleep, son!

Awm snap, that alien is all leavin' the spaceship, yo!

Oh-ho-ho! Now he's shootin' at the alien kid! He's shootin' at him!

Rallo

Y'all shut up! I'm trying to watch a movie!

measuring the ruler, singing Hark the herald turkeys sing, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble...

gets poked by a dart by Rallo Aah! What the hell, Rallo?!

Rallo

How come you felt that one and not the first four?

What? [sees darts behind] One, two, three, four... Whoa-whoa-whoa, okay, we're leaving that in there.

[sobbing] Sometimes, I see so much of your mother in you.

[chuckles] I choose this one, Daddy. He put his pecker in my mouth.

Okay, okay. Shoot it.

What? I'm not shooting this turkey. Killing innocent animals is wrong.

No animals are innocent. They are guilty of something. Besides, you eat turkey all the time.

That's turkey the food. This is turkey the animal. Benjamin Franklin thought turkeys were so noble, he suggested they be America's national bird.

Benjamin Franklin was an atheist pedophile who flew kites to meet children. That's why God struck him with lightning.

I won't do it. Noooooooo!!!!!!

Guys, Donna and I are making a baby.

Holt

No you're not.

What?

Holt

You got a vasectomy.

No I didn't!

Lester

Yeah you did, six months ago. We all got drunk and played Truth or Dare – Holt got a tramp stamp, you got a vasectomy, and Tim tried meth.

Tim

One time, one time. [all teeth fall onto table] Okay, two.

A vasectomy?! So that's why my boys hurt for three weeks. I thought a spider had laid eggs in there.

Donna

Cleveland, I wanna have another baby.

[jumps novelty pen] Uh—wha!?

Donna

I wanna have another baby!

Donna, we just got rid of a baby. Let's enjoy our twilight years in peace. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to write a letter, longhand, in the bathroom. [shuts door] Peen, pen. Pen, peen.

Donna

[lays back against the pillow] Donna wants a baby, Donna's gonna get a baby.

The mobile is awesome. I will hang it in my car. We are not having a baby.

Hey, Arch, you wanna be Santa?

No.

Will you do it anyway?

Yes.

Sorry, Kendra. The role's been filled.

[takes her hat off] I've never been so embarrassed.

I doubt that.

Freight Train

Hey, Tubby. We're back from Vegas.

So did you have fun with cool Robert?

Robert

Hell yeah. Did you know there is a hepatitis J? [laughs] Vegas is crazy.

Ho-ho, I know. I went to the M&M store once.

Freight Train

Yeah, we got real crazy. So crazy that we decided to make him and me official.

You got murried?

Freight Train

What?! Hell, no. That would be ridiculous. I adopted him. He's my son, now.

What?

Freight Train

I've always wanted a son I could point to and say, "See that man over there? In a track suit? That's my son. My boy. My spawn. Nobody wears a track suit like my son."

You've never seen me in my romper. I'll go get it. [leaves]

Freight Train

[sighs; to Robert] Come on, cool son. Let's go wrestle up a few hustles.

[in his romper] Uh, Donna, get my back slip.

Donna

They're gone, Cleveland.

[trudging away and mumbling] My bottom's chilly.

Cleveland Brown here. There are 15,000 countries in the world and The Cleveland Show is adapted to air in every single one of them. See if you can spot the subtle cultural differences.

Donna

Cleveland, we're doing it. For Valentine's Day, I want us to have a vow renewing ceremony.

Oh, God!

Donna

I divided our tasks. I split up what we need to get done before hand.

What?! Build a gazebo? Rent a tazedo? And where, pray tell, do you think I'm going to find 14 peacocks?

Donna

[begging] Please? After the ceremony, I'll let you do that thing I promised you could do on our wedding night that I lied about and didn't let you do that I'm probably still lying about it now.

I'm in!

You do know that "She's dead to me" is just an expression.