Cleveland Brown quotes from The Cleveland Show

Last minute check: any chives in my teeth? [he shows his teeth, which are covered with green leafs]

Donna

They're all over! What were you eating?!

Chives.

Donna

It's like my great grandmother used to say, "A lie is just an upside down truth."

What?! [to self] Can I trust Donna?

What are you doing up there?

Larry the Leopard told me to climb the bookcase.

Fourteen. You're fourteen! Now, get down here. I got something I want you to have.

Wow, number 9? I thought when you left, they retired it for good.

I'm Brett Favre-ing it, except I'm not being a public jagoff about it.

Hi, Cleveland!

Go back to Quahog!

Okay.

[about Jane] We tried to get her to stop hitting Holt and she beat the respective craps out of us.

Donna

She... beat up all of you?

Well, what were we supposed to do? We can't hit a girl.

Donna

Well, I understand. I never hit a girl, either. But I will smack the white off a bitch!

Donna

Nobody hurts my man!

Tim

Did she agree to stay away from Holt?

Does it look like it, Boo-Boo?

I'm gonna go tell Jane to say good-bye to my little friend!

Tim

The Black guys love Scarface. They cannot stop talking about it.

Don't worry, Daddy. I'm gonna feed you, and wash you and change you, just like you did when I was a baby.

Thank you, Junior. [whispers] Don't let him do any of those things to me, Donna!

Donna

Junior, can you give us some alone time?

Okay. I'll go down to pediatrics and look at the chicken people.

Smells like a Denny's in here, but without the old man stink.

Rallo

You got that covered.

No, I smell like a middle-aged man: Propecia, hot wings, and night sweats from our adjustable-rate mortgage, now pass those eggs.

Donna

Uh-uh. Remember what Dr. Fist said about your cholesterol?

Yes, he said it was "appalling" and "life-threatening". Uh, pass the eggs.

Donna

This is your breakfast, Cleveland. The same breakfast you've been eating for the past two weeks.

More twigs?

Donna

Fiber Twigs-The cereal that lowers your cholesterol.

Aah! I got a splinter!

'Cause you got a mouthful of wood, like usual.

Huh? Oh.

You were the best bitch I ever had.

And you were one cold pimp.

Thanks. I'm sorry I set you up with all those men.

Donna

Where did you get that huge wad of cash?

What? A man can't sneak into his house in the middle of the night, carrying a huge, suspicious-looking wad of cash, without his wife nagging him? Geez!

[sighs] This is so hard. I don't know how to find a se-can't of a triangle.

Well. Hold on then, se-can't. [laughs, then Chanel joins in]

Hey, is that Chanel Williams chopping it up with my steppity-bro?

Federline

I think you mean step-brizzle. [he and Roberta laugh; they all laugh until Cleveland comes in]

[bursts the door open] There's been a gas leak!

Leave the batteries in your carbon monoxide detector from now on.

When your wife says she'll use them in front of you, you find some batteries.

Holt

Kenny West. Caught ya at the county fair. Yeah, I listen to rap. Gotta De La Soul CD in my car. Do a little beatboxing. You probably don't wanna hear it. Unless you do. You probably do. [starts beatboxing terribly] Boop-boop-boopa-doo-boop! Boop! Boop-bitty-boopydoop-boop!

I'm really not glad I heard that.

Oh, Kenny. You're TRBL!

No, you're TRBL!

No, you're TRBL!

We're both TRBL!

Donna's gonna be so surprised When she walks in to the-

You're fat!

You know what else is fat? Rudeness!

Lester

Wow, Cleveland, you've skipped "fun drunk" and "sad drunk" and went straight to "angry drunk".

Okay, now where's the guy who said I was fat.

Right here. [Cleveland fires a gun at him]