Sister Sage quotes from The Boys

A-Train

Sage, it's good to see you again. [quietly] What the fuck are you doing here?

Sister Sage

Homelander's tired of being surrounded by morons.

Homelander

[walking into the room] Hello, everyone.

Homelander! I just wanna say, it's a huge honor to be here with you…

Homelander

Right. Now, I can't stay long, but I heard that you are some of my biggest fans, supporting me when others turned their backs. I just wanted to personally say… Thank you for your devotion. And your sacrifice.

W... Well, really, it's you who gives so much to…

Homelander

[holds up finger to silence Todd] You people are more than just fans. You're martyrs to the greatest cause on Earth. [to The Deep] Open it.

The Deep

You got it. [reaches into a duffle bag and pulls out three baseball bats] Whoa. Bats.

Homelander

Yeah. I want you to take these bats and beat these gentlemen to death.

[beat; laughing] You're funny.

The Deep

Oh, it's like one of your tests. You want us to say no.

Homelander

No, Deep. This is not a test. [hands a bat each to A-Train and Black Noir II] I want you to beat these gentlemen to death... now.

I think maybe we should go.

Oh, Jesus!

Homelander

[to Black Noir II, who holds up his bloody bat] Mm-hmm.

Jesus!

Sister Sage

Stay here. Wait for further instructions. [exits the room]

Black Noir II

[beat] Yo, what the fuck?! That was so fucked up, you guys!

Small-town kid grows up on a Montana ranch with his mom. On the surface, he's an everyday all-American boy.

But deep in his heart, he knows he's different, special. He's always asking himself, "Who am I?" Then one day, that question is answered when Homelander flies down from the sky and says, with tears in his eyes…

Homelander

No tears.

…and says proudly, [Homelander mouths along with Seth and grins] "Son, it's time for you to take your place by my side".

And for Ryan it feels surprising, yet inevitable. He always knew he was destined for greatness.

Because he came from greatness!

Homelander

Oooh! [chuckles and claps] Wow. [to Ryan] Oh, buddy, can you believe that? Wh–What do you think?

Ryan

It's cool… I guess.

Homelander

You guess? [chuckles] Uh… I think it looks amazing.

Ashley

Oh, so amazing. Really marketable.

So marketable.

Sister Sage

The whole pitch blows.

Ashley

It… does not blow.

Sister Sage

It blows, harder than Nancy Reagan on the MGM backlot.

Ashley

I'm sorry, why are you here?

Sister Sage

Vought got rid of most of the sidekicks after Gunpowder. The settlements exceeded profitability.

Homelander

Yeah, but I don't think Ryan is gonna file an HR complaint against me. [laughs with the rest of the marketing team]

Ryan

What?

Sister Sage

Ryan is the first natural-born superhero, and his brand needs to reflect that. He's not one of Vought's lab rat freaks. He was chosen by fate, God, whatever… to be the one who saves the world.

Homelander

Yes. But let's not forget why he is special, shall we? He's my son. Chosen by God, sure, but uh… made by me.

Sister Sage

The chosen one narrative only works if he stands alone. Harry Potter, Neo, Luke Skywalker. Hollywood's trained people to fall in love with white boy lone saviors. So, America will want to fall in love with Ryan.

Ryan

What is this?

Homelander

It's a crime itinerary. Your first save. Congratulations, son. [whispering to Sage] I'm not on the call sheet.

Sister Sage

You wanted a kingdom for your son. I'm helping you get it.

Homelander

[beat] Excellent. Just as we discussed. Feel free to move forward.

Sister Sage

Thanks. [pulls out cell phone; to Homelander] Ah, if you don't mind? [takes a quick selfie with Homelander; to Ashley] I'm here because Homelander wants me here. Because he trusts me.

Ashley

[enters elevator with Sage] Listen. I know you're the smartest woman on Earth–

Sister Sage

Smartest person.

Ashley

Let me give you some advice. You know, girls supporting girls. You cannot talk to Homelander like that.

Sister Sage

I'm telling him the truth. You're so afraid of him, you've plucked yourself bald. If I were you, I'd make myself useful. You know, get some lactation going, let him suck on those titties before you end up like Madelyn Stillwell.

The Deep

Oh, Ashley, hey. What's up? Just the girl boss I wanted to see. I've been looking everywhere for you. Hey, so I heard that Ryan's doing his first solo save. I wanna talk to you about something. I have this idea. [clears throat] Okay, so what if–and just hear me out on this–what if I was there? That's it. That's the pitch.

Ashley

Hmm. You wanna join a family-friendly PG save? While PETA still has you on their bestiality watchlist? [smiling] I swear to God. Stupid people who think they're smart make me want to eat my own shit!

Sister Sage

Why do you let her talk to you like that?

The Deep

She's just a bitch. It's probably that time of the month. It's like a full moon thing, isn't it?

Sister Sage

You're a genetically superior being, and she's the evolutionary equivalent of a capybara.

The Deep

Cappuccino…?

Sister Sage

It's a giant rodent from South America.

The Deep

Oh.

Sister Sage

You're better than her. Act like it. [pause; elevator doors open] And you should be at the save. It's a good idea. [walks out of elevator]

The Deep

Thank you.

Sister Sage

Do you actually believe all of this? Or is it just bullshit smeared on top of a personal vendetta?

Firecracker

Ain't you a little mouthy one.

Sister Sage

Appreciate the subtextual racism there, but I'm a Supe. Sister Sage. I work with Homelander.

Firecracker

Bullshit. [Sage shows her the selfie she took with Homelander] Goddamn! Is he here?!

Sister Sage

Of course not. He wouldn't be caught dead with these ringworm-infested cousin fuckers. Though there's a chance you could meet him. First, I wanna see your powers though.

Sister Sage

Wow, that is... lackluster.

Firecracker

I'm… strong too, though.

Sister Sage

Look, what's important is… what are you selling?

Firecracker

I'm here to share the truth and nothing but.

Sister Sage

What are you selling?

Firecracker

Did I stutter? [pause; scoffs when Sage is about to leave] Purpose. I sell purpose. These people got nothing. Maybe they lost a job or a house or a kid to Oxy. Politicians don't give a shit. Mainstream media tells them to be ashamed of their skin color, so I bring them together, tell them a story, give them a purpose. Which would you rather believe? That you belong to a community of warriors battling a secret evil, or that you're a lonely, inconsequential nobody that no one will ever remember?

Sister Sage

[chuckles] Deep's Blue Sea Room. 9:00 p.m.

Sage has got no powers, right?

Besides her brains? Nope.

So, why all the sneakin' around shite? Let's just grab her, work her over and rumble what we need.

Hey. This is surveillance only, okay?

Alright, you sit tight and watch me do your job.

Alright, enough.

Get your fuckin' hands off me!

Just go home, alright?

Or what? We have a Barney?! Well, come on, then! Have a go!

Butcher, for fuck's sake.

You've been gaggin' for it. Ever since Soldier Boy. Ten pounds of C4 with an inch fuse pokin' out your arse, you are! Well, c'mon, then! Have at it, son!

'Cause that's the only way you feel any regret, is to get it beaten into you.

You're a shit skipper, you are. Hughie's fucked off, Kimiko's hammered. We've been here for hours and still know fuck all! You're gonna get this bloody lot killed. You can't eat, you can't sleep, and you ain't willin' to do what it takes to run this mob 'cause you ain't got the bollocks, son.

Nice try, Butcher. But it ain't gonna work.

Yeah, ain't that what your wife said?

All that bullshit you pulled, and the mess you always leave behind for me to clean up. You know why I kept coming back? 'Cause I thought maybe this time, it'll be a little different. All the fucking shit we've been through together, man. I thought maybe this time, maybe you and I could just… just be fucking brothers again! [pause] Just go home, man.

Firecracker

Did you know that these “vaccines” that they’re giving out at the Starlight House actually cause autism? And–And not that cool Rain Man autism that makes you good at countin' cards and shit.

Homelander

That's her?

Sister Sage

Yeah.

Homelander

Really?

Sister Sage

Mm-hmm.

Homelander

Seems like she fell off her jet ski one too many times.

Sister Sage

Now that Starlight’s back leading the Starlighters, we need her.

Homelander

That is gonna shut them up?

Sister Sage

No, she’s gonna make them louder. Are you gonna trust me or not?

Homelander

Is there a problem? ‘Cause this is a huge day for you, but you seem to have something firmly lodged up your asshole.

Sister Sage

This spandex is. Up my ass and in a camel toe. The whole point was for me to stay behind the scenes.

Sister Sage

You are clearly punishing me for openly disagreeing with you, which you said you could handle, but clearly you can’t.

Homelander

Do you really think I’d be that petty?

Sister Sage

Yes, I do. I mean, did it occur to you that it is harder to stage a fucking coup with a million eyes on me?

Homelander

Popularity is power, Sister.

Sister Sage

It’s a prison.

Homelander

Listen, it’s gonna be great, okay? You’re a member of The Seven now. You’re a superhero. Act like it. [to the male members of The Seven] Hey, how about a photo with the new girl, guys?

The Deep

Yeah, get in here. Front and center.

Homelander

Get in there. Make a sandwich out of her.

Sister Sage

So, tell me about your relationship with Starlight. I understand you two were friends.

Friends? Um, no, I wouldn’t say that we were friends. I mean, we shared an Almond Joy from time to time.

Sister Sage

Our records show you made a phone call to the Starlight House within the past month, so…

Homelander

Are you working with her?

Uh, no, I–I was just donating some clothes.

Homelander

So why is your heart pounding like a little bass drum?

I didn’t do anything, okay? I swear.

Sister Sage

Okay. Let’s–Let’s just all calm down, okay? You’re not in trouble here, Anika. [laughs] Starlight’s the bad guy here. So, look. We’re gonna find out anyway, so you just tell us the truth. We swear you’ll be fine. [to Homelander] Right?

Homelander

Yes. Yes, I… I swear. I… I swear on the life of my son.

[pause; looks at Ashley, who nods] Okay. Yes, Starlight did call me a few days ago. She just wanted some help tracking–

Homelander

What? She confessed. Leak plugged.

Sister Sage

You don’t think the next word out of her mouth might have been useful?

Homelander

[shrugs] Guess I am that petty.

Firecracker

[on TV] Now, y’all heard a lot tonight about who Starlight really is. But you still haven’t seen the true monster behind the mask. And the truth… Oh, it is so much worse than you could ever imagine. Six months ago, Starlight visited a clinic. She wasn’t going for a checkup.

What the fuck?

Firecracker

[on TV] She found out that she was pregnant, and she had an abortion.

Are those my fucking medical records?

Firecracker

[on TV] She was raised a Christian. She knew the difference between right and wrong. She knew exactly what she was doin'! So you won’t tell me that those teens over there, that they’re safe with her! With that baby killer?!

Annie, wait!

Firecracker

She could have given it up for adoption! But no, she murdered it!

Firecracker

So you finally came to deb–

Sister Sage

How’s that for “uppity,” cracker?

Stop. Look.

Sister Sage

First pebble down the mountain.

The Deep

I don’t get you, dude. Like, at all. You start off, you’re a total bitch. And then you tell me I’m, like, a superior being–which of course I like–and that you’re down to pound, which obviously I will...

Sister Sage

I know. Most people, their brains grow till they’re about 25, then stop forever. Mine doesn’t. It regenerates, constantly. Stab me in the heart, I die. But stab me in the brain and the little fucking bitch grows back. [holds out scalpel] I want you to put this inside me.

The Deep

[chuckles] That’s the worst dildo I’ve ever seen, but–

Sister Sage

No, in my eye. Here.

The Deep

I am down for, like, a lot, but...

Sister Sage

It’s temporary.

The Deep

Hmm?

Sister Sage

You give me a frontal lobotomy and I don’t have to fucking be me for a couple hours.

The Deep

Uh, that’s just… fucking gross.

Sister Sage

I’ll let you ass-fuck me while we watch the Kim and Ray J video.

The Deep

[takes scalpel from Sage] Okay, so where do you want me to put it? [points at her eye] Just right there?

Sister Sage

Sit down. Now, avoid the eye itself. I don’t want to go blind.

Sister Sage

[to Neuman] What happened to you? You look like you got ass-fucked by the business end of a hammer.

Well, maybe I don’t wanna be at this CPAC nightmare any more than they want me here.

Homelander

There’s gonna be a little sidebar later on. One percent of the one percent. Sage here is gonna lube them up with cognac and Montecristos, and then convince them to commit a little high treason.

I’m sorry, what the fuck? Why would I expose myself like that?

Sister Sage

Because in this room is 38% of the U.S. GDP. And if we have a shot in hell of pulling off the 25th Amendment, we need them.

Homelander

Do you wanna be el jefe or not?

Sister Sage

Good. Now, you’re the virgin at prom. Go get finger-popped.

[to Sage] I just had abortion mansplained to me by a guy who refuses to be alone with any woman who isn’t his wife… or mistress. I don’t know. I mean, cozying up to these people, you’re fucking asking me to do the impossible here.

Sister Sage

[beat] When I was eleven, my grandma was diagnosed with Stage 3 chronic lymphocytic leukemia. God… She had the biggest laugh, but she got so small so fast. She was bed-ridden. The doctors didn’t care about saving some old ex-Black Panther, and they told my parents there was nothing to be done. I stayed up the next three nights and discovered a cure. I presented my research to those satisfied fat crackers, they patted me on the head, said I was adorable and laughed at me. Grandma died screaming in pain. [pause; takes two tequila shots from a server] I could cure cancer, reverse global warming, but what’s the point? Humans are animals. And the lines at Voughtland are too long as it is. [downs tequila shot]

Why are you telling me this?

Sister Sage

Because you remember what it’s like being a little girl who no one fucking listens to. And because fuck them all. The only way women like us have ever gotten what we deserved… one hand in their pockets while the other slits their fucking throats. Now… You in or out?

Homelander

Sage… who’s the leak?

Sister Sage

We’re making inquiries. It’s a process, we’re eliminating–

Homelander

[smashes listening device with his fist] I assume you know what that is.

Sister Sage

It’s a bug.

Homelander

Specifically William Butcher’s bug. They probably heard every single word we said at Tek Knight’s. And likely killed him.

Sister Sage

They won’t go public with the information.

Homelander

And why not?

Sister Sage

Because it would short-circuit everything they really want, which is to quietly take out Neuman once and for all.

Homelander

[groans] We should slaughter Butcher and his whole fucking team.

Firecracker

Now that is a great idea, sir.

Sister Sage

Butcher will be dead in a few months anyway. And this close to go-time, I wouldn’t stir up shit with the CIA.

Homelander

Yes, yes, yes. Your illustrious fucking plan. We killed Cameron Coleman for no reason.

Sister Sage

A speed bump, but ultimately harmless.

Firecracker

Cameron golfed with Mike Lindell, who just pulled fifty million bucks worth of pillow commercials. You call that harmless?

Sister Sage

Oh, look at Daisy Duck Dynasty doing math.

Homelander

You know, Firecracker and I have been talking.

Sister Sage

Stimulating, I’m sure. [pause; Homelander glares at her] Sorry.

Homelander

You have brains, Sage, but I have wisdom. And what happens if those brains of yours get blown out again, leaving you talking like a gibbering idiot? [pause] Firecracker and I will find the leak.

Sister Sage

With respect, the last time–

Firecracker

Respect? I don’t hear no fuckin' respect. In fact, I am personally offended by the way you are talking to this great man!

Homelander

You just focus on the shooter, make sure he’s good to go on the 6th.

Sister Sage

He’ll be ready.

Homelander

Good. You may leave.

Firecracker

Homelander… Are you alright?

Homelander

[tearfully] A-Train?

Firecracker

I’m so…

Homelander

How could he do this to me?

Firecracker

I’m so sorry. You know, some folks are just… Well, they’re born uppity.

Homelander

Where is he?

Firecracker

He cut out his tracking chip. And his family’s gone, too.

Homelander

…Of course.

Sister Sage

You sent Deep and Noir after Butcher? We talked about this.

Homelander

Smartest person in the world, and you didn’t know A-Train was the leak?

Sister Sage

…I knew.

Homelander

[pause] You knew.

Firecracker

And you let us kill Webweaver for nothing.

Sister Sage

Oh, shit. You killed Webweaver? Did you think he was the leak? He was a junkie who’d confess to nailing Christ on the cross if it got him home for his next fix.

Homelander

[sighs] I was very clear. No more secrets.

Sister Sage

But A-Train only leaked exactly the information I wanted Butcher and his team to know. He was the perfect misinformation delivery system. Until now. This was all part of the plan.

Homelander

Mm-hmm. Okay. Get the fuck out of here. You’re done. Go back to your little litter box in Detroit and die alone.

Sister Sage

[stammers] You promised. You promised me you would listen to me.

Homelander

You’re lucky I’m not sending you home in a bucket. [beat] Go.

Sister Sage

Fine. [looks at Firecracker] Surround yourself with people like her. Then, you can systematically eliminate anyone who gets in your way. But there’s one person you will never, ever defeat. Good luck without me.

The Deep

Bro?

Black Noir II

Bro! Bro?

The Deep

Bro... Bro!

Black Noir II

Bro.

The Deep

Hey, you. Hey, so we’ve had a day. [Sage ignores hims and keeps walking] Wait, what’s the rush?

Sister Sage

Homelander. He fired me.

Black Noir II

Wait, but you can’t leave. I love you. We have something special, don’t we?

The Deep

Wait, is she lobotomizing herself to fuck you, too?

Black Noir II

What do you mean, “lobotomizing herself”?

The Deep

…Bro.

[on TV] We are interrupting our regular reporting with a breaking news story, that at… I’m sorry, I’m just looking to my producers here. Is this confirmed? [stutters] They’re telling me it has been. The Vice President-elect, Victoria Neuman, is dead. [Homelander starts tearing up] Assassinated today only hours after revealing to the world that she is super-abled…

Sister Sage

Where’s Ryan?

Sister Sage

This was all for him after all, right?

Homelander

What are you doing here?

Sister Sage

Celebrating. We won. Here.

Homelander

[sighs] Everything’s turned to shit. Plan’s dead.

Sister Sage

This is the plan. I mean, sure, a few curveballs, but we got here. Just had to keep a few bits to myself. You know, the bits you’d fuck up by… you know, being you. Neuman would have been a shit patsy–stubborn, too many ideas–so I went another way.

[on TV] …Bob Singer himself ordering the assassination.

[on TV] If you’d killed Neuman like I ordered, we wouldn’t be stuck four stories underground playing pocket pool.

[on TV] And now we go live. Okay, that’s President-elect Robert Singer taken into custody by federal agents…

[on TV] She tried to kill me first!

[on TV] …in an unprecedented turn of events that is certain to go down as one of the darkest days–

Sister Sage

Oh, it's… [offers her phone to Homelander] for you.

Homelander

Who is it?

Sister Sage

Oh, Speaker of the House Calhoun. Once they invoke the 25th, he’s next in line to be President. He’d like to pledge his allegiance to you.

Homelander

[beat; gets up] To me?

Sister Sage

Just like I promised. We had a deal.

Homelander

Yeah, well, I broke the deal.

Sister Sage

I didn’t. I told you, you could trust me, boo. I got your back.

Homelander

[pause; takes phone] I–I threw you out like… like garbage. Why would you do this?

Sister Sage

To see if I could. [pause; chuckling] Thank you. This was so much fun. Just, you know–Next time, listen to me.

Homelander

Next time?

Sister Sage

Oh, hells yeah, Blonde Ambition! Buckle up for Phase Two.

Sister Sage

We knew this would happen sooner or later. We've been ready. In the last 24 hours, we have flooded the zone with so much disinformation, people can't tell their clit from their collarbone. The share price is only down half a point. Besides that, damage is minimal.

Homelander

[points at open book] What's this?

Sister Sage

That is a Gutenberg Bible. Martin Shkreli sold it to me at discount.

Homelander

You're really on top of the world, huh? Peter Thiel, the Obamas calling you for advice. Everyone loves you.

Sister Sage

You can't really think I care.

Homelander

Maybe you didn't used to.

Sister Sage

It's all for you. The higher the share price, the happier the billionaires. The more you get to do whatever the fuck you wanna do.

Homelander

Are you aware that NNC is calling me a murderer? Saying that maybe I even did something to my son?

Sister Sage

No. Everyone knows that Ryan is... [sighs] Sorry. That he is at boarding school. In Svalbard. [chuckling] That story's holding. We're good.

Homelander

And how–how about you, Sage? Are you… good?

Sister Sage

I'm fine.

Homelander

You're not distracted at all? After Thomas Godolkin dumped you? You're not numbing the heartache by stabbing your brain?

Sister Sage

No.

Homelander

Then, just tell me. How did Starlight get in the building? [beat; exhales] I WAS HUMILIATED! As if people don't hate me enough!

Sister Sage

Your numbers are north of 96.

Homelander

Anyone can smile for the pollsters, sure, but millions of them are still Starlighters in their hearts! Where it counts! Have you seen the memes? Have you seen the memes about me?! [brief pause] Posting them should be a crime.

Sister Sage

Yes, but we can't go... [notices Homelander glaring at her] Oh, you're serious. Uh, sir... [chuckles] Ongoing conflict is useful to us. It keeps people afraid…

Homelander

Shut up.

Sister Sage

…which is exactly what we–

Homelander

No, no, no, no, no! NO! You promised me Caesar.

Sister Sage

He was stabbed by his best friends.

Homelander

Yeah, well, I can relate to that! But I need people to be devoted! To me!

Sister Sage

May I speak freely?

Homelander

Give it a shot.

Sister Sage

I told you, no matter how much power you amass, it will not make you happy.

Homelander

[pause] You know what's gonna make me happy? I think I'll be happy when Starlight and William Butcher are corpses. I want it leaked that in three days, we are going to execute Hugh Campbell, Milk, and the... French one. That'll draw out Starlight and Butcher, and then I will take care of this once and for all.

Sister Sage

Consider it done, sir.

Firecracker

Next up is a $500 million ad blitz with OOH, e-blasts, print and digital. Ain’t nobody won’t know about the Democratic Church of America… and its chosen prophet.

Homelander

[sighs] Prophets are servants.

Firecracker

Of course, sir. Great point. We’re just trying to ease people into it.

Homelander

No, no, no. We need to prepare America for my ascension. We must be honest. We must be direct. I like “savior.” Or–Or…

Oh Father

Lord. Yes, I couldn’t agree more, sir. Religion is not about being meek. We should dominate the seven mountains of society, bring the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth! Amen!

Homelander

Amen.

Firecracker

Amen! I love all that!

The Deep

So fucking dope.

Oh Father

Easter is just around the corner. How perfect would it be for your second coming to come on the day of Jesus' resurrection?

Homelander

Mmm… Second coming? Let's be clear: I am not the son of God.

Oh Father

Well, of course. Many people believe that Jesus is both God incarnate and the son.

Homelander

Well, that's just confusing. I don't want my church getting involved in all... that.

Firecracker

Exactly. Besides, if we pull up our timeline, you won't have… [picks up a bag with a large book inside] this.

Oh Father

We're gonna drag our feet because of a book?

Firecracker

Not a book. The book. The Homelander Bible.

Homelander

[pause; lifts the book with his hands] Heavy.

[quietly] What the fuck?

Firecracker

It's got the Old Testament, the New Testament, and the brand new American Testament, written by A.I. trained on the works of Pat Robertson. See, we need to pass the torch, sir. From Jesus to you. Sir, we don't get more than one chance at a first impression. Are we really gonna rush something this important? We ain't Arby's, after all.

Homelander

No.

Firecracker

We're the Cheesecake Factory.

Homelander

[sighs deeply] Okay. We'll do it your way.

Firecracker

Thank you.

Sister Sage

You do realize this kind of sudden religious upheaval is likely to generate widespread civil unrest?

Firecracker

Local law should be able to handle the suburbs, but we could use extra hands in major metros.

Homelander

Oh, let's recall all Supes stationed overseas. American heroes should be protecting America, not Who-Gives-A-Fuckistan.