Prock quotes from The Awesomes

Prock

Seaman. But where is he?

Gadget Gal

There's only one way to find Seaman in the dark. A black light.

Prock

I can't believe I spent all my savings on a magical date with a robot.

Muscleman

Tell me about it. I just bought a condo with a forklift.

Perfect Man

Hey, one time I fell in love with a volleyball.

Muscleman

Right. That time you went crazy.

Perfect Man

Oh, I forgot about that. I was actually talking a different volleyball.

It's the Awesomes, America's favorite unemployed superhero team.

Prock

We're not unemployed. We're independent contractors.

What does that even mean?

Concierge

On a tax level, it's far more beneficial. We can deduct, like, everything.

Perfect Man

Look, if you ever need anything, like money, I can teach you how to squeeze coal into diamonds.

Prock

It doesn't work when I do it.

Perfect Man

Right, I forgot you're weak.

Prock

But on the bright side, we did manage to sideline the return of the world's great villains.

Muscleman

Right, teen girls.

Prock

Actually, I meant Hitler, Goebbels, and Himmler.

Frantic

Oh, those were the names of the dinosaurs?

Prock

The Nazis.

Frantic

That was my next guess.

Muscleman

All the girls went to some stupid award show. Like we get it, you're women, here's your prize for not having a penis.

Perfect Man

Cool, is the prize shaped like a penis?

Prock

No, it is not.

Muscleman

Right. 'Cause the Pee Buddy Award is shaped like a penis.

Prock

What do you think the Peabody Award is for?

Muscleman

Is it not about urinating with friends?

Prock

No, it is not.

What?!?

Prock

How did we get so lucky?

Muscleman

You mean, to cheat so much in high school and never get caught?

Prock

I didn't cheat in high school.

Muscleman

Well, I cheated off of you, so you were complicit.

Prock

Good word.

Muscleman

They say it on The People's Court all the time, but I have no idea what it means.

I don't know how to deal with these parasites.

Prock

Well, for one thing, I wouldn't call the voters parasites.

Hm, I see your point. Danny, kill the new campaign poster.

Prock

Are you saying the fact that my dad is being nice to me proves he's evil?

Muscleman

That is what I was saying, but now that I see how sad it's making you, I'm going to try to pretend that I was saying something else, but I can't, uh, come up with, uh, anything. Uh, sorry, buddy.

Prock

I don't know if any of you have been paying attention, but we're second rate heroes.

Frantic

Second rate? That's two rates better than the meat we used to eat as kids.

Hello, daughter's soon-to-be baby daddy.

Prock

We should probably come up with something better to call me than that.

How about Harold? That's a pretty name for a pretty boy.

Muscleman

Yeah, you know the saying. "Dads are like assholes. Yours is one."

Prock

I haven't heard that saying.

Muscleman

It's pretty famous.

Prock

Now, describe the container Perfect Man was trapped in.

Hotwire

About eight feet tall, window pane on the front, cold to the touch.

Muscleman

Sounds like my ex-wife.

Concierge

You don't have an ex-wife.

Would you eat a cookie if you were on a diet?

Prock

I would if it would save the world!

I'd eat a cookie any day.