AVGN quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

This might be a good time to bring up that most of these old consoles have a connector that looks like this. You have to plug them into a box, and screw the box into your TV. But I say get yourself one of these [an adapter], plug it into the coaxial unit on your TV, plug the game in, and tell that box to go fuck itself.

The Sears Super Pong Telegame. Simple enough, two little knobs for controllers, works alright, basic Pong, you got four different kinds of Pong, like... what the hell is this? "Reverse Pong"? Okay, now what's this, "Asshole Pong"? That's not fair.

Well, that's Pong for ya. All these different consoles goes to show how such a simple game could become such a hot-selling franchise. I could see people thinking 30 years ago "Wow. Pong. This is where it's at! It ain't gonna get any better than this!" Now what's this here, this "Xbox 360?" Some modern game system? I don't know, maybe it has advanced graphics? Might even be in color. Let's check it out. [starts playing "Grand Theft Auto IV" as a rock remix of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays. Cut to the Nerd with an absolutely amazed expression on his face]

They must have put all their focus into this one game, so this one's gotta be good...right? (shot of the gameplay from Cheetahmen; the player sprite touches the edge of a pool of water with the top of his head, and instantly dies) IT SUCKS - MONKEY - BUTTS - LIKE ALL - THE FUCKIN' - REST!!! (drinks Rolling Rock) Okay. Let's go.

(playing Cheetahmen on the Action 52 cartridge, jumping over the giant Saddam Hussein from Storm Over the Desert) Dude, think about it: A giant cheetah jumping over Saddam Hussein, whoa! I never thought I'd see that.

(discussing Cheetahmen II) I suppose this is the end of Action 52, but! They made... a Cheetahmen... sequel. Oh, yeah! You know how with a bad game, sometimes you wonder how it even made it into stores? Well, this is a case in which the horror was so unspeakable, the game was never released. (shows stills from the ending of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark and plays ominous music from the film) The cartridges were stored in a warehouse where they remained for years to come. It was never meant to be played. Then, in the late 90's, the cartridges were discovered, and became valuable collector's items. (stops playing music and showing stills) That's a true story. Except that the real story was probably a little less dramatic than that. Only 1500 of these games are known to exist and they command outrageous prices on eBay. I don't know if I should consider myself lucky or...not, but...here it is. (the Nerd reveals the game cartridge in his hand) The unholy grail of gaming. Would you believe that this game is so bad it doesn't even get its own cartridge? They recycled the same plastic casing from Action 52, and put a Cheetahmen II sticker on the back. (The cartridge's sticker actually reads "Cheetamen" instead of "Cheetahmen II".)

(after defeating the boss in Cheetahmen II, but the game fails to start the next level) Well, I beat the game. At least I got as far as I can possibly go before it fucks out! Well, this is where I'd end things... (drinks Rolling Rock) ...but, there's yet another Cheetahmen game. (produces a copy of the Sega Genesis port of Action 52) Yeah. Action 52 on the Genesis. They just couldn't leave it alone, could they?

(talking about SKATER from the Genesis Action 52) You're some kid on roller skates jumping fifty feet in the air, of course. And most of the obstacles are dead cats! At least, I'm pretty sure they're dead. Why else would a cat be laying in the road? Tell me. If you're programming a video game and you have a choice of all the things that could be on the road like mufflers, puddles of oil, traffic cones, hubcaps, fallen trash cans, open manholes, of all the things you can put there, why does your imagination go straight to dead cats!?

(after playing Cheetahmen from the Genesis Action 52) I don't believe it. I just can't believe it that - this is even less playable than the NES version! You think by now, they'd come back down to Earth and un-fuck themselves! But you know what the really good news is? I'm done with Action 52! (puts on a party hat and blows on a party horn while fireworks go off)

(commenting on the odd names for enemies in the original The Legend of Zelda) What do you call that? A rabbit's head? (buzzer sound) Wrong. A "Pols Voice". What's that, a mummy? (buzzer sound) "Gibdo". What's that, a ghost? (buzzer sound) "Ghini". What's that? Well, it's kinda like...like... (triple-ding sound) What?! It's called a "Like Like"?! Yeah, I'm not makin' this up, this is all comin' straight from the manual. What do you call that? A snake? (buzzer sound) Wrong, it's called "Rope". Yeah, really! If you can't tell the difference between a snake and a rope, you're in trouble. What's that, a bat? (buzzer sound) No, it's "Keese". What do you call the keys then, "Bats"? What's that, a knight? (buzzer sound) A "Darknut". Well then, what's that? Uh, a, uh, Geiger counselman? (buzzer sound) Oh, a "Rock". What's that, a spider? (buzzer sound) A "Tektite". Now what the fuck is a Tektite!? Is that even a real word? I'll look it up...yeah, it is. (reads off a dictionary) "Tektite. Any of several kinds of small glassy bodies, in various forms, occurring in Australia and elsewhere, now believed to have been produced by the impact of meteorites on the earth's surface." Yeah. Or, a spider. Well, fuck. Let's move onto Zelda II.

In each town, there's a woman that restores your health. She invites Link inside, and you never see what's happening in there. Is she giving him a potion? Is she performing a magic spell? No. We all know what's really happening. Link is like, you know, getting a little of the ol' in-out in-out. I mean, this isn't little boy Link anymore, he's grown up now. He learns all these special moves like the down-thrust and the up-thrust, and there, he learns the cunt-thrust. Yeah, that should be the name of a band. But really, Link deserves to get some because of all this hell he goes through. He's not gonna get any from Zelda... Well, then again, she's in a sleeping spell. What was Link doing there in the first place? Oh, no, Link's a poon hound.

(repeatedly failing to defeat the final boss, Dark Link) Well, it's impossible. I have better luck trying to fight my own shadow! (imitates trying to punch his own shadow on the wall and hurting his hand against the wall) You motherfucker! C'mon! God damn! (cuts back to the Nerd on his couch) You can't beat your own shadow, and that's what this game is. It's your dark alter ego that knows more about you than you know about yourself. I don't know how you could win, unless you're really hardcore. Some gamers are so hardcore with the first game, they've actually made it to Ganon without the sword. That's insane! But, people like a good challenge. You want a good challenge? Try beating Zelda II with the Power Glove, yeah. That's a laugh. In conclusion, it's still a great game. But many consider it the black sheep of the Zelda franchise. And understandably, it's very different from the first game but obviously Nintendo didn't want to just rehash the same game over again so they tried something new. Some people were confused and admittedly it had some mixed results. But it had a legacy of its own. It was the first Zelda game that had towns to visit and to have a magic meter and many games copied its style such as Battle of the Olympus and even Rambo. Bottom line, it's a good game, but a very frustrating one. I'll never beat it as long as I live. Nope. (turns off TV, walks away, but then runs back to the TV to turn it back on. The ending message appears on the TV saying "You saved Hyrule and you are a real hero!" Then, he looks at the Power Glove in shock and disbelief. Then the curtain lowers and then Zelda and Link supposedly kiss with the curtain covering it up and the words "The End" appear.)

(sighs) What's the point? It's all gonna be dust one day. [He decides to play Lester the Unlikely] Lester the Unlikely. It's unlikely that this is gonna be a good game. (Inserts the game in and turns the Super Nintendo on as Lester yells like Tarzan.) Okay, title screen. Guy swinging on a vine. Like every other jungle adventure game. Then comes the story. You're Lester, a comic book geek who wanders onto a dock, and then... (Groans) OK, I have no faith in this character already if he's gonna go to sleep on a piece of cargo that's being loaded onto a ship. He becomes an involuntary stowaway, the ship's raided by pirates, and Lester swims to a nearby tropical island. That's where the game begins.

Half the time Lester does things against your own will. [Lester automatically runs away from a crab] I didn't do that! The game did! Have you ever had a game character disobey? [Lester runs away from a large turtle on the ground] Go near the damn turtle! Why does he keep running!? What's so threatening about a fucking turtle!? [Lester runs away from another turtle] Run, Lester, run! Get away from that turtle! That turtle might charge really fucking fast!

This is a penis-shaped piss stain on the face of gaming. I'd rather fuck the Wicked Witch of the West! I'd rather play a CD-i game! Yeah! Like The Flowers of Robert Mapplethorpe. [plays it, but after a while of just looking at still images of flowers] ...No, I wouldn't.