The Nerd quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

The Nerd

It's the end of the road, Megatron! UUNNNHH! HUUAAH! HUNNNGGHH!! Come on, come on, die! Hunngh! [defeats Megatron] BOOM! Yeah!!! Now, that's some intense shit right there. In conclusion, all I can say about this game--

The Nerd

Stage 10? I fuckin' beat Megatron, who the hell could be next? Fuckin' "Stage 10", my ass! I'm guessing if Megatron's not the final boss, it's gotta be Galvatron or maybe Unicron or Fuckitron, who knows.

The Nerd

Oh. It's (Trypticon, yet strongly resembles) Mecha-Godzilla. Of course. I should've known.

The Nerd

All right. That's it. I'm done with this game. I'd rather press my face against a hippopotamus' butt while it muck-spreads! That's when a hippo takes a shit; rather than allowing the shit to drop from its anus, it presses its tail against its ass crack, waving it back and forth, shredding the shit all over the place! That's as much fun as this game is, like putting a turd in a fan or a band saw. You just don't do it.

The Nerd

[failing to defeat Mechagodzilla] THAT FUCKIN' TIME LIMIT! THAT MOTHERFUCKIN'-SHIT-SUCKIN' TIME LIMIT! It's not even like there's a counter! It's like the game just pulls the plug! Like: "Oh, you're gonna win? Well not anymore, ya ass-backed fecal-fucker shit-faced anus brain!" The game cheats. That's it. That's all there is to it. The game fuckin' cheats.

The Nerd

[reviewing Godzilla on Game Boy] How could they do this to the king of the monsters!? They might as well have Godzilla in a clown suit jumping on a pogo stick. I'm not even gonna waste my time with this shit. The best way to sum this up is to recite a very famous quote from William Shakespeare: "Fuck it!"

The Nerd

15 years later, I'm still pissed. All I wanted was a good Godzilla game, but my childhood passed me by, and I never got it. [He drinks beer] But nowadays, there's plenty of Godzilla games: Godzilla Destroy All Monsters Melee, Godzilla: Save the Earth, and Godzilla: Unleashed. This is after my time. I don't know anything about this here PlayStation 2 and Xbox shit. But I'm gonna give it a try.

The Nerd

[comparing modern-day Godzilla games to the above titles] Why couldn't I have those games when I was a kid?! Goddamn it, I was born too fuckin' early. Instead, I have to grow up these miserable pieces of shit-fuckin' anal juggs. These games suck Baragon's sweaty ballsack! I'd rather get an electric shock from suckin' Mecha-Godzilla's mechanical wiener! These games are shit, drizzling out of the Smog Monster's rancid putrid a-hole! And then, being swallowed and barfed up by Anguirus while I lay on his spikes getting Gigan's buzzsaw up my ass, while Destoroyah dumps his diabolical diarrhea all over my face! Man, it's just a bunch of fuck, it's a pile of cunt, fuck, shit, fuck...cunt...fuck. Goddamn it! I just said "Fuck!" from the bottom of my heart, and I said every curse that there is. There's nothing left. So, you know what? Somebody's gotta invent a new curse word. I think I got it. This game, these fuckin' games are... SCUNT!!! Oh, yeah. It's that bad.

The Nerd

What in the unholy name of ass is this fuckness? [looks at the script and fuckness is displayed as an invalid word] Oh, wait, that's not a word? Well, it should be.

The Nerd

Hmm. "Trans Fishers"? That reminds me of Terence Fisher, the director of many of the hammer horror films. That's a funny coincidence. Oh, wait. "Vran Stoker"? Like Bram Stoker, the author of Dracula? Wha-- "Christopher Bee"? Is it a joke? I don't get it! Are they saying Christopher Lee is like a bee? [Bee with a face like Christopher Lee's comes buzzing by] No, they can't mean that. This is probably just a series of strangely coincidental typos. "Belo Lugosi"? "Boris Karloffice"? They're just fuckin' around. "Love Chaney Jr."? "Mix Schrecks"? "Green Stranger"? Is this supposed to be funny? Like, just to take a celebrity's name and change it around? That's like if I took the name Steven Spielberg and called him "Steven Gielberg". Like, that's not funny, that's kindergarten level! No, kindergarten students don't find that funny! Aliens don't find that funny! Well, anyway, that's Castlevania for you. Good game, but holy fuck, is it hard. Now, as promised, we're gonna plow through the rest of 'em, all the old-school Castlevania games. The ones that I grew up w--

The Nerd

Not that one. Next on our list, is Castlevania III, which in many ways is the true follow-up--

The Nerd

No. I already reviewed that game. So, anyway--

The Nerd

No.

The Nerd

Stop.

The Nerd

Stop!

The Nerd

[annoyed] STOP!

The Nerd

If there's any game which puts you in a bad mood, it's CastleVania III. You know, like if you want a game that'll piss you off, putting this game in your Nintendo is like running open-armed out into a rainstorm of piss. You wanna go balls to the wall? Well, there's one way to put your balls to the wall, and that's to stick your dick into an electric outlet. You wanna play shit tennis with an orangutan while having your head up a hyena's asshole?! Well, good luck. Well, that finishes off the CastleVania trilogy, but there's more memories to be shared. 'Cause Dracula never dies, Halloween is goin' overtime, it's a CastleVania-thon! [howls like a wolf]

The Nerd

When the 1980s came to an end, the Castlevania trilogy was already edged into my mind as classic. It was the arcitype of both the action and horror genres and a masterpiece in side-scrolling gaming. Roughly at the turn of the decade came the 16-bit era. I had no idea that it could actually get better. In 1991, Castlevania made its transition to the new Super Nintendo. But this wasn't just Castlevania IV. Oh, no. This was Super Castlevania IV, and well worthy of that title. The graphics and sound just blew my fucking balls off. The haunting and chilling atmosphere of the old games was now like a walk through the park with the Care Bears. This time, I was really getting scared.

The Nerd

That's what you call Castlevania. Traditional side-scrolling action. Familiar, yet fresh. It takes place all over Europe rather than just strictly in Transylvania. You get a choice of two characters; John Morris and Eric Lecarde. I wonder what happened to the Belmonts? Who are these people? Well, supposedly, John Morris is the son of Quincy Morris from Dracula, the Bram Stoker novel. (cut to him IRL) That just blew my mind! It's like now we're bringing the novel into it? So the whole canon of the games is now with the canon of the book, and... it's like taking two cannons and putting them together!

The Nerd

What are these, skeletons shooting lasers out their cocks?

The Nerd

"ANALBAG", that's me.

The Nerd

You're familiar with the story, right? It goes somethin' like this. Once upon a time, there was a girl named Little Red Riding Hood. She liked to jump in the air and whistle out her vagina. She kicked at trees until Big Bird's ballsack would appear. What, that's not the story? Oh, well excuse me, 'cause this isn't Little Red Riding Hood. This is Little RED Hood.

The Nerd

The only thing you might be wondering now, is what on Earth does this have to do with the story of Little Red Riding Hood? Well... I'll tell ya. Absolutely fuckin' nothing.