The Nerd quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

The Nerd

Aiming the newspaper into the mailbox is like trying to slingshot a dingleberry from a playground roundabout that’s situated on a moving parade float aiming into a bottle cap that’s tied by a string to a Himalayan snow-cock! While drunk! It would take somebody from NASA who knows how to calculate exactly when a certain asteroid is going to pass by a certain planet when it's lined up with a certain constellation during a certain moon phase. Meanwhile, I'm still trying to calculate my cat's shit comets that spreads across the carpet after wiping its ass on it before its anal glands have been evacuated.

The Nerd

Then there's a tire that randomly comes rolling out from behind the house. Who's back there rolling tires? Get a life.

The Nerd

The Grim Reaper is in town... That's a problem. Here read the Obituaries you piece of shit.

The Nerd

(belches) Yeah, that's how you critique it, you just say this sucks... yeah... uh... you know when you eat rump roast - are you like, eating a cow's butt? (burps) You know the word "this" is like "shit" spelled backwards? Or uh... maybe it isn't. Maybe I should like, uh... play another game, or something?

The Nerd

[Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie on Game Boy] Take a look at the Rangers. Which one's your favorite? (shows the Rangers on the Game Boy's monochrome screen) The Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, or Dark Green Ranger? Mine's the Dark Green Ranger.

The Nerd

This problem escalates when you get to the sand. Oh, God, the sand. Let me tell you about this. You have to punch and kick all this sand out of the way, and it's a race against time because there's a machine following close behind you. If it touches you, it's a one-hit death. You have to get rid of that sand as fast as humanly possible. You can't afford any wasted hits, which means you have to master the science behind this punch-kick phenomenon. The top square can only be taken out with the punch. The middle with a kick or a ducking punch. The bottom, only with a ducking kick. So not only do you have to know when it's going to be a punch or a kick, but you also have to know when to be standing or ducking. The only successful pattern I found is duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. I can't even do it without saying it out loud. Duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. Duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. Fuck-shit-shit, fuck-fuck-shit! Fuck-shit-shit, fuck-fuck-shit! FUCK-SHIT-SHIT, FUCK-FUCK-SHIT! (Ranger dies) FUUUUCK!!!

The Nerd

I mean, how bad could this po- it's gonna fuckin' suck, isn't it?

The Nerd

So far, this game has given me nothing but shit! The game is giving me shit!!! [The Sonic 06 box game is literally trying to give the Nerd a piece of shit] No! No! No!

The Nerd

[Talking about how the shopkeeper is only saying welcome] Especially him. The only word on the screen is "welcome", but his mouth is moving like crazy. What more could he possibly be saying?! [The Nerd appears on screen and mimics the shopkeeper] Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcomewelcomewelcome...

The Nerd

[Commenting on another NPC] Then there's this crack addict in an alley. [The Nerd mimics the NPC] Hey, hey, hey, did you see that, did you hear that? [starts babbling unintelligibly] Cra- Cra- crack, I need crack.

The Nerd

Did Tails just kill himself?!!

The Nerd

He did!!

The Nerd

[appearing on the game screen] He just couldn't take it... The game was that bad! (sighs and jumps into the water)

The Nerd

[about the Free Willy poster] It looks like the kid is punching the whale! Who the hell could punch a killer whale so hard it becomes airborne?! You don't fuck with that kid!

The Nerd

"Cleared ACT Mission"? What kind of terminology is that? That's like saying "Cleared LEVEL Stage". This game is "DICK Cock".

The Nerd

ou know what? I've played worse. This at least qualifies as a game. But the problem was, it needed to be a masterpiece because it was a Sonic the Hedgehog game. And not just any Sonic game, but it was THE Sonic game for a new console and a new generation. This would be like if Zelda: Twilight Princess sucked. They even had the balls to call it Sonic the Hedgehog. Not Sonic Revival 3D or somethin' -- no, just plain Sonic the Hedgehog, as if, this is the only Sonic game you need to know. If you've never played one before... just start with this one! Everyone calls it Sonic '06, but I call it Sonic O-Fuckin' Piece of Shit! This is ANAL SAUCE! It's so BAD, it's a work of art! It's a fine, delicately-crafted sculpture of SHIT! And I'm impressed! You know, this is another one worthy of the collection. I don't mean THIS collection. I mean THE collection.

The Nerd

OH, THE ONLY PLANET THIS GAME CAME FROM IS URANUS! OH, THIS GAME IS A MADHOUSE! A MADHOUSE! OH, YOU DAMN DIRTY GAME DESIGNERS! YOU MANIACS! YOU FUCKED IT UP! DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! Oh, that's it. I'm going back to Earth!