The Nerd quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

The Nerd

Next is the "Severe Zone". This is for masochists only. These are games that could kill a person. STAY AWAY. Don't even think about it!

The Nerd

Then we have Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Enough said.

The Nerd

Finally, at the EXTREME end of the scale, "MAJOR CODE RED"; we have games that don't even qualify as games at all. They shouldn't even be on the scale! But they are. And that's so you know to beware. NEVER play them, NEVER talk about them.

The Nerd

So where does Darkwing Duck fall on the scale? I'd say somewhere around... here. ("Very High" category) Of course that means there are games that are worse, but from what I've seen so far, Darkwing Duck is the WORST game on the TurboGrafx-16. Being the worst at something is quite an achievement. I'm the fuckin' Nerd, I'll see ya next time. (The Nerd throws the game and grunts angrily) Nnrgh!

The Nerd

So what do you do in this game? Well, the instructions say: "You are free to enjoy Seaman-" [slaps the instruction booklet against his forehead] AW, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOOO! IT'S SEA-MAN! SEA...MAN! Not semen. [awkwardly pauses for 2 seconds] AS IN JIZZ! SPLOOGE! MAN BAZOOKA JUICE!

The Nerd

Yeah, you wanna look cool? Put a Sega Dreamcast on your wrist with a TV and a gas-powered electric generator! You'd be so awesome! Let's play this.

The Nerd

Agh! Ah, that's repulsive!

The Nerd

...Whooooaaaa...

The Nerd

GAH! OH, MY GOD! AHHH, GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MYSTICAL ANCIENT PHARAOH MOTHERFUCKERS! Ah! I gotta do it! I gotta do it for Nimoy! (gives the Vulcan salute) FOR NIMOY!

The Nerd

C'mon, c'mon - oh, get the fuck outta my way - [a monk gets crushed by a moving pillar] AH-HA-HAH! YEAH! DID YOU SEE THAT?! I FUCKIN' SQUASHED THAT BITCH! [A pillar squashes Sub-Zero] FUUUUUUCCCCKKK!!!

The Nerd

[first lines] It's been 10 years since I first began broadcasting to you through the miracle of YouTube technology. And since then, I've been trying to keep up with the times. I've just finished upgrading my vinyl record collection to cassettes. And I got a new cell phone... [he holds up an old-style Motorola mobile phone] (Check it out.) [Nokia fanfare plays] ...and I finally got one of those new rectangular TVs. I've been reorganizing all my game consoles, new video switchers, working out all the bugs, new shelves, I can now get behind my game consoles to reach all the wires, and of course, the ability to play games in HD clarity. Yeah, hi-def. Yeah. Now let's play some 8-bits.

The Nerd

BLAM! Shooting shit, running around in your blue underwear! It doesn't get any better than this. It ain't Superman, or Ultraman, it's Capcom's Mega Man, a robot hero built by Dr. Light to battle against the Evil Dr. Wily and his never-ending supply of robot villains in the year 2...whatever. The 2D gameplay is as classic as they come with a little bit of Contra, a little bit of Metroid, but but still stands in its own right with its stage select system and the ability to steal each of the boss character's weapons. Oh, we can't forget about those disappearing blocks! One of the many rules of gaming: never trust what's under your feet.

The Nerd

Mega Man II is favored by many. It's considered to be one of the supreme examples of these types of side-scrolling action games. It's the one everybody knows. Just like another Capcom game, Street Fighter II, which revolutionized the tournament fighter genre. I guess you can say Capcom made the best number twos. It's the simple things that make it so appealing. For example, Mega Man's run cycle: he's constantly at full sprint. You can see the determination, the pure gallantry, but that doesn't even graze upon why the gameplay is so addicting. The jumping, the midair shooting, it's a science that triggers a phenomenon in your brain. It's so bad ass... [he pauses his speech while he plays Mega Man 2] Oh. Sorry, I was just playing the game.

The Nerd

When you do catch yourself a break to stop and listen, you'll realize you're hearing some of the most rocking video game tunes of all time! If only the idea of video game soundtrack albums caught on back then. You'd get 21 hits in one fantastic collection, including (The Nerd belts out the Crashman Stage Music.) and... (He belts out the Dr. Wily Stage Music. A fake infomercial screen appears) This offer's not available in stores; order today.

The Nerd

Explosions! Dialogue! EXPLOSIONS AND DIALOGUE, AT THE SAME TIME! [Shouting] OH, MY GOD!!!

The Nerd

This is fucking horseshit. I've had enough shitty games. I've dedicated myself to this for too long! I've had it! I quit.

The Nerd

I'm back. It's yours truly, the fuckin' Nerd, here to play some more shitty games. Let's pop this fucker in here-- [The Nerd picks up an SNES cartridge and is shocked to see it is Mega Man Soccer. He puts the game in the SNES, turns it on, plays it and shudders in shock at the game play.] Wha--? W--? WHAT... WERE... THEY...THINKING?!? [he runs, hurls himself out the window and screams.]

The Nerd

Extra! Extra! Paperboy goes mad! Here's some assifieds! Here you go daily douchebag! 10% off your next purchase of "FUCK YOU"! Cloudy with a chance of ass kicking! Dear Abby, make 'em eat shit! Crosswords, can you spell cunt? Horoscopes, you will achieve greatness - in HELL!