The Nerd quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

The Nerd

[searching for a game to review that would supposedly give enough material] I got it, Mad Max! It was made by Mindscape, proving that not EVERY NES movie-based game was made by LJN. See - LJN was like a cat, and the NES library was its litter box. When the litter box gets too shitty... the cat shits somewhere else. Now I'm on track.

The Nerd

[reviewing the aforementioned game] Well, ya drive around, ya run around shootin' people, ya drive, shoot, drive, shoot, buy stuff, drive and shoot. I wish it were LJN because they would've given me more to talk about!

The Nerd

Call me an explorer; I've been searching for the perfect shitty game. And I've seen just about EVERYTHING at this point! But ya know what? I'm gonna do something that I've never done yet. And that is to review a game, on... [turns his camera to the TurboGrafx-16] ...the TurboGrafx-16. Holy shit. [The TurboGrafx-16 floats out to the camera.] The TurboGrafx-16 was developed by Hudson Soft and NEC. Its original name in Japan was the PC Engine, which sounds like a computer on a train. No wonder they changed it. The games came on cards, which was unique. It was technically the first 16-bit console, made to compete with the NES, but it was soon trampled by two titans, the Sega Genesis and the Super Nintendo. Yeah, you were either asking your parents for the Genesis or the SNES. The TurboGrafx-16 was the one nobody gave a shit about. It didn't have as many third-party game developers workin' for it, but the benefit of that was that it meant less shitty games! The TurboGrafx library is less contaminated than the rest. That's why it's taken me so long to get to it. There's no major stinkers that stick out. But I might've found one. Darkwing Duck, based on the TV show. remember the show, but I'm not overly familiar with it, which is a fair spot to be in. I have no high expectations, or low expectations. By now, I've played some of the most HORRIBLE GAMES that are humanly possible to make: Plumbers Don't Wear Ties, Big Rigs, Hong Kong 97; I think I've set the bar too high, or too low, depending which way ya look at it. So now, let's go into some more sensible territory; let's get serious. Or should I say... "Let's get dangerous"?

The Nerd

Great! The game just began and they tease ya with an item that you can't get! There's gotta be a way... Oh - I see, ya bounce on the skateboarding penguins' heads. [turns to the camera] How can I be so casual when I say "skateboarding penguins"?

The Nerd

It's not like I have to get the D; I don't even know what it does! But it pisses me off! I feel like an ass! I can't let that go! I feel like I've been fooled! It's like a test from the game programmers! A challenge! Like, you put that D there, and I'm gonna figure out how you intend I get to it! ... I give up. There's a whole game ahead of me. Fuck the D; the D can suck my dick!

The Nerd

I've been playin' on "Normal Mode". I'm changin' it to "Easy". Huh. "Easy" and "Normal". Should be called "Hard", and "FUCKING BULLSHIT"!

The Nerd

Don't you think there'd be a reason why the window is broken? Doesn't it look like I can hop down there? (Darkwing jumps up to the cable) How 'bout hangin' on the power lines? Darkwing is actually reaching up as if he could grab on! But it never happens! It messes with your mind! It's a psychological sucker-front! A facade! It's the equivalent of an open door that ya can't go in!

The Nerd

So much shit comin' at me! SO MUCH SHIT! [The Nerd falls below the platform and into a different level. He is shocked.] What the fuck just happened? It's like you make one wrong step, you go to the dungeon, BITCH!

The Nerd

You can't duck and shoot. Great. Well at least you can duck. You ARE a duck. I dunno what kinda fucked-up duck can't fuckin' duck

The Nerd

(As the Nerd waits for a correct time to jump, a safe falls on Darkwing's head, much to the Nerd's dismay. The camera cuts to him looking shocked by this. He then gets an angry look before he opens his mouth.) (Screams angrily) FU.....!!!! (this is interwoven with multiple clips of the Nerd screaming; the final shot is an explosion) (angrily) If you stand still for TOO long, a safe drops on you! Like the game is saying, "FUCK YOU!" ' Might as well just be a giant middle finger. And it should be the only part of the game in 3D! Put on your 3D glasses! Get ready! Set! Fuck you, kids!

The Nerd

This could've been a decent game. Darkwing Duck is NOT one of those concepts that's doomed from the start. The show had elements of action, crime-solving and humor. It's been done well before! (Footage of the NES version of "Darkwing Duck" is shown) There was an NES version which was basically like Mega Man but with a duck. It was made by Capcom, who of course made the Mega Man games, and DuckTales. Those all turned out great, so what happened here? The control isn't just bad, it's uniquely bad. In an indescribable way.

The Nerd

Every game with bad control has its own feel, its own identity. Making bad games is an artform. It's a delicate recipe. Some are worse than others. It might be a massive truck load of elephant shit, or, a pellet of bird poop. To explain exactly how bad it is, I've invented "The Shit Scale".

The Nerd

It begins with "Games That Are Debatably Bad". Somewhat good games, with serious flaws. Not part of the turd crust, but well within smell range.

The Nerd

Then you get to the "High Level of Shit Contamination". Games that are possible to play, but nobody in their right mind would.

The Nerd

Then ya get into the "Very High" category which encompasses the majority of LJN games. This is where you could still survive, but you'd come out traumatized... for life.