Matt Albie quotes from Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip

Harriet

[about an interview] I said the Bible says it's a sin. It also says judge not lest ye be judged, and that it was something for smarter people than me to decide.

Matt

"Ye" is a word you don't hear a lot.

Harriet

How do you manage to see every piece of my press?

Matt

We have a press department, I get a daily press packet. They highlight what they want me to see - this one got a highlight, an arrow and a sticker!

Harriet

Well, as I said, they left out the second sentence.

Matt

Yeah, can I ask you something? Does your ass hurt from straddling the fence like that all the time?

Harriet

I don't even know what the sides are in the culture war.

Matt

Well, your side hates my side because you think we think you're stupid, and my side hates your side because we think you're stupid.

Harriet

Shut up, you live off Mulholland, there are other streets in the country where marriage is still important.

Matt

It's important off of Mulholland too, but let me ask you something how is my marriage, your marriage, or anyone else's marriage even marginally affected by the gay couple two doors down from them also getting married, and if it does, how is that their problem?

Danny

I'll tell ya, considering me and half the cast spend most of the day in Pahrump, Nevada, I thought it was a pretty good show.

Matt

Yeah?

Danny

I did.

Matt

Indiana? Illinois? Missouri? Are rebel forces gathering?

Danny

No.

Matt

Then why are we praying for peace in the Midwest?

Danny

Girl's nice to look at.

Jordan

I saw the end... and I think we should all take a moment to consider the suffering in Des Moines.

Matt

I am psyched for this photo-shoot of yours.

Harriet

I want to commission a scientific study of how news travels in this building!

Matt

Hey, I'm not even sure there's such a thing as the Internet. It might just be Jeannie telling everyone stuff.

Danny

It took a lot of convincing, but Suzanne's agreed to be your assistant.

Matt

Yeah?

Suzanne

If you'll take me.

Matt

I'll take the hell out of you.

Suzanne

Is there a way you'd like me to dress?

Matt

Sure, but I have to wake up for school now.

What are you, Linus?

Matt

Yes. Yes I am. I carry with me the true meaning of Christmas.

You carry with you a dead Christmas tree.

Matt

All Christmas trees are dead,they've been cut down.

Matt

Twelve hundred dollars I gotta give to abstinence people?

Suzanne

Twelve hundred and one.

Matt

Alright, do it, and can you find me some non-profit organization that fundamentally does the opposite of what these guys do, so I can donate an equal amount to them, and make it a wash?

Suzanne

That means an organization that encourages people to have sex?

Matt

It's L.A. You should be able to throw a rock and hit one.

Matt

I went down there to pitch her a sketch about a Christian Radio Host, and it turns out, she's a Christian.

I'm a Christian.

Matt

Yeah, but she's like...ya know...a member!

Really?

Matt

What were the odds of that? I'd say the last two places I'd expect to find a member of the Christian right are the corridors of Studio 60 and a synagogue.

Did you offend her?

Matt

I couldn't have offended her more if I re-crucified her savior, it was stunning!

Danny

Where are they?

Danny

What the hell are these?

Matt

Flintstones Vitamins.

Danny

These are Flintstones Vitamins.

Matt

Yeah. I like the Bam-Bams. You got a problem with that?

Matt

Isn't it possible that Mary got pregnant by another man, and Joseph stepped up so his wife wouldn't get stoned to death by the village?

Harriet

No.

Matt

It's more likely that an angel inseminated her, and she gave birth to a magical wizard who could rise from the dead?

Harriet

He's not David Copperfield!

Matt

Science is something you believe in, science has to be proven, or they don't get to call it science

Harriet

Wouldn't it be great if you knew something about Christians, before you start...

Matt

It's a fairy tale!

Harriet

No, it's not

Matt

We've been having this fight for six months!

Harriet

We've been having this fight for two years!

Matt

We have been having this fight in two different millennia, now!

Matt

15 minutes goes by without me hearing from you, I'm driving over there with a police escort.

Danny

Where're you getting a police escort from?

Matt

I will commit a crime and lead them on a high speed chase if I have to; I am not kidding around!

Danny

Matthew, don't take this the wrong way, but I love you.

Matt

Okay.

Danny

Did you take it the wrong way?

Matt

I took it to mean you're gay and you want me.

Danny

Good.

Matt

I love you too, brother.

Harriet

You kept that from me?

Matt

When you're high, you keep it from everyone. (Harry hits him) Ow.

Harriet

Not me. Never me. I'm the one person.

Matt

Ok.

Harriet

I'm the one person, always.