Vala Mal Doran quotes from Stargate SG-1

Dr. Jackson

Are you messing with me?

Vala

Is it working?

Vala! You cowardly, backstabbing sorry excuse for a woman. How've you been?

Vala

Inago. You filthy, double talking slug. Nice to see you too.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell

Obviously they used to date.

Vala

Anyhow, since I'm here shall we make the best of it?

Dr. Jackson

No we shalln't.

Dr. Jackson

I can do it. Just uh, do me a favor. I need some help.

Vala

Okay, what?

Dr. Jackson

Go to the panel by the rear exit.

Vala

Okay, now what?

Dr. Jackson

Stay there, shut up, and let me finish.

Vala

Look, I never killed anyone, I never tortured them, I was a wonderful god. Just ask them!

Dr. Jackson

I think we will.

Vala

Why? You don't believe me?

Dr. Jackson

That, and I'm not totally convinced they are ultimately going to follow your command, nor should that be the only reason they don't follow the Priors.

Vala

I am still supposed to be their god, I can't very well go out there and ask them if they are going to listen to me.

Dr. Jackson

I wasn't expecting you to.

Vala

What makes you think they're going to tell you the truth; you're supposed to be my faithful servant.

Dr. Jackson

Then I'll sort of explain that we're not as faithful as you might like to believe, and if necessary I'll also tell them we're plotting to kill you.

Vala

I have heard better plans!

Lt. Colonel Mitchell

I kinda like it.

Vala

Shut up!

Vala

Thank you! I apologize for ever questioning your masterful skills at negotiation!

Dr. Jackson

He's doing the best he can.

Vala

That's what terrifies me!

Dr. Jackson

Okay. We have a very limited window of opportunity here. If you expose yourself as a false god, if you tell these people how you fooled them and why, we might be able to make them skeptical about the Prior.

Vala

Or, it could push them towards believing in the Ori as true gods even more.

Dr. Jackson

No, the only chance these people have, the only chance any of us have against the Priors is to show them that we will not accept the Ori as gods. No matter what happens, we must reject them. True enlightenment must begin with the truth.

Dr. Jackson

[pulling Vala's scarf off her neck] Vala, this is a military vessel.

Vala

I know, darling. I've stolen it before.

Dr. Jackson

Well, just try to be, uh…

Vala

My charming self?

Dr. Jackson

Just a little less talk; a little more shut the hell up.

Dr. Jackson

The next idea we come up with has to be outside the box.

Lt. Colonel Carter

Okay, the gate is composed of individual units. The—There must be some sort of energy linkage between them, like a—like a chain.

Vala

Exactly, so we—

Lt. Colonel Mitchell

So we need a big ol' set of bolt cutters.

Dr. Jackson

Oooh. Too far outside the box. Get closer to the box.

Vala

It's funny, isn't it? Daniel always wanted to get in my pants, and now I'm in his.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell

Oh, that's not funny.

Vala

Hmm?

Lt. Colonel Mitchell

He can't defend himself.

Vala

The village was run by this complete bear of a man named Seevis, who was both barkeep and administrator which seemed the oddest contradiction. He claimed to be the most pious man in the village. If anyone strayed from the path of righteousness, it was Seevis who made sure you were severely punished for it. But seems to be a lot more leeway for sin in the religion of Origin than one would presume from all the preaching.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell

So it’s just like my grandma used to say. No point going to confession if you ain’t got nothing to confess.

Vala

Exactly.

Teal'c

You stated you had information of great importance.

Vala

I do, I do. And I'm getting there.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell

We get the back story. Tomin is a nice guy, Seevis is a butthead. How about you skip ahead a little?

Vala

Okay. Tomin and I got married—

Lt. Colonel Carter

Whoa, married?

Vala

Stay with me. I had no choice. I told you, he was very devout, and there's no way he would have slept with me out of wedlock.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell

Okay, maybe we skipped ahead a little too far.

Vala

Well, I tried to lay it out in order...Ooh, that's a bad choice of words.

Teal'c

You have been impregnated, without copulation.

Vala

Yes! And I'm absolutely terrified - have any of you ever heard anything like it?

Lt. Colonel Mitchell

W-Well.. there is one.

Teal'c

Darth Vader.

Vala

Really? How did that turn out?

Lt. Colonel Mitchell

Well, actually, I was thinking about King Arthur.

Vala

So, this girl in the bar. Her name was Denya, and we struck up a bit of a friendship. By the looks on your faces, I can see you're not surprised I had more in common with the village harlot than I did with any of the ladies from the local knitting circle.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell

Don't know what you're talking about.

Vala

At least she was honest.

Vala

Isn't there a part of you that's from me?

Of course. You are my mother.

Vala

And as your mother, you will listen to me, young lady. There will be no leading of these ships and armies on a mass-murdering crusade! Or else!

Vala

Eh, it was worth a try.