Vala Mal Doran quotes from Stargate SG-1

Man, look who's talking.

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[to Vala] Ladies first.

Vala

[to Daniel] Well then, after you.

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[SG-1 rings into the empty caves]

Wicked!...and empty.

Vala

I haven't been this disappointed since Daniel and I had sex.

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Vala

You should give me a weapon.

Nope.

Vala

There could be some sort of icky creature down here left behind to protect the treasure.

For hundreds of years?

Vala

Some sort of stasis or hibernation. What if it senses our presence and awakens hungry for human flesh?

That doesn't quite sound like the Ancients' style.

Vala

Still...

I'm sure if there is a monster down here, it's going to be much more scared of you than you are of it. Especially once it gets to know you.

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[a hologram of Merlin appears]

Merlin

Welcome, ye knights of the round table, men of honor, followers of the path of righteousness. Only those with wealth of knowledge and truth of spirit shall be given access to the underworld, the storehouse of riches of Ambrosius Aurelianus. Prove ye worthy, and all shall be revealed.

That's incredible. Certain scholars have speculated that Ambrosius and Arthur were one and the same, but that would have made him 74 years old at the Battle of Mount Badon. It's actually quite fascinating. See, Ambrosius was the son of the Emperor Constantine—

Vala

[dismissive] Yes, yes, yes. "Fascinating" is the one thing it's not. How do we "prove ye worthy" and get "all to be revealed"?

I have no idea, but something tells me truth of spirit may be a bit of a problem for you.

Vala

[defensively] You know nothing about me!

Because everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie.

Don't make me separate you two.

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If you immediately know the candlelight is fire…

Vala

Huh?

Nothing.

Vala

Hmmm…

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This pot says 'The universe is infinite.'

Vala

That seems infinitely useless; what does this one say?

'The treasure is in this pot.'

Vala

Really? I was hoping for something a little more substantial, but okay.

Wait, wait, wait!

Vala

Too obvious?

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Vala

Well. Don't you all have me surrounded.

General Landry

Welcome to the SGC. I'm General Landry.

Vala

Vala. Vala Mal Doran. Thank you so much for the lovely greeting party. We all had a wonderful time searching each other, didn't we, boys?

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Vala

You ever heard of the Go'auld Nut?

As in... cashew? Pea-...? [off Vala's look] Oh, you mean the Egyptian sky goddess.

Vala

Yes.

No, never heard of her.

Vala

These were her ceremonial marriage bracelets. She would affix them to herself and her husband of the moment.

"Of the moment".

Vala

Yes, she had many. One of the few admirable traits about her.

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[to Landry] I mean, isn't that why we're doing this, all of this? The Stargate program, the budget? Isn't it so we can go out and meet new races? Gather advanced technology? Possibly learn about ourselves in the process?

Vala

Oh, come on. You do it to meet women.

[also to Landry] She has a point, sir.

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[regarding the book]

It says here the Alterans named their new home Avalon and built many Astria Porta.

Stargates?

Yes.

Vala

I thought the Ancients built the Stargates.

Well, it stands to reason that they didn't always call themselves the Ancients.

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[The villagers are about to burn Vala to death]

What the hell did you say?!

Vala

I think at first it's what I didn't say. You see, apparently there's a blessing you're supposed to recite over the leaves before you drink, which nobody warned me about. Then I think it's what I did say. I was trying to politely explain what was going on and then his wife started screaming and accusing me of being overcome. At which point I believe I suggested she might want to think about procreation... with herself.

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Vala

If the Ori are so powerful, why do they need people to spy for them?

PPrior

The Ori need nothing from us.

[quoting] "It is we who must seek the truth of the universe in order to achieve enlightenment."

[Vala gives Daniel a funny look]

[shrugs] Been down this road before.