Brad Boimler quotes from Star Trek: Lower Decks

Boimler

[panicking] HOLY FUCK, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Brad Boimler

Captain’s Log, Stardate 57436.2. The Cerritos is docked at Douglas Station for routine maintenance and resupply. We will soon set course for the capital planet on the Galar system, where we’re scheduled to make second contact with the Galardonian high council. First Contact is a delicate, high-stakes operation of diplomacy. Once must be ready for anything when humanity is interacting with an alien race for the first time. But we don’t do that. Our specialty is second contact. Still pretty important. We get all the paperwork signed, make sure we’re spelling the name of the planet right, get to know all the good places to eat...

Beckett Mariner

Oh, my God. What are you doing?

Brad Boimler

Uh, nothing, nothing, nothing. I’m just…

Beckett Mariner

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Are you pretending to do a, “Captains Log?”

Brad Boimler

We’re all supposed to keep logs!

Beckett Mariner

Ok, Let me listen to it.

Brad Boimler

[annoyed] No, go away!

D’Vana Tendi

I can’t believe we are going to serve side by side. Scientists and commanders, an elite team.

Beckett Mariner

Yeah, no, we’re not really elite. We’re more like the cool, scrappy underdogs of the ship. You know, we don’t wash our hands, we’re doing kick flips all the time.

Brad Boimler

But with focus and dedication, you could be chief medical officer someday.

Beckett Mariner

Ugh, Senior Officers are overrated. They’re always like stressed out and just yelling about directives. It is better down here where the real action is.

Beckett Mariner

I have served on five ships, man. I have seen stuff. One time I got trapped in a sentient cave for weeks. You ever been trapped in a sentient cave? That's a dark place that knows things. I almost got my head taken off a singing crystal. I have been in a Klingon prison where I had to fight a yeti for my own shoes for no reason! He was just being a dick! You've been on what, four planets?

Brad Boimler

Five, if you include Vulcan."

Beckett Mariner

Of course I don't include stupid Vulcan! You may as well count Earth.

Brad Boimler

[softly] I was counting Earth.

Brad Boimler

I've never even heard of an Anabaj. How did you know?

Beckett Mariner

Affinity for red, drawn to the weak minded, plus I kinda dated one once, but only to make my mom mad.

Brad Boimler

Weak minded?

Brad Boimler

I'm your copilot?! You're taking on more work just to bug me?

Beckett Mariner

Calm down, man. We can't have you co-flying angry. I need you co-calm.

Brad Boimler

I guess I'm just not cut out for Starfleet.

Beckett Mariner

Oh, please, you're Mr. Starfleet.

Brad Boimler

No, I'm not! Not like you are! I should just turn in my uniform and go- work on a research asteroid!

Beckett Mariner

No, absolutely not. Do not even joke about that. That is the lamest thing you could do.

Brad Boimler

I should just study bugs on a far-off planet, and then eventually get eaten, and no one will even know until they stumble upon my distress call, but it'll be way too late, and then they'll have to spend a bunch of time deciphering how things went wrong based on my final shaky video logs!

Beckett Mariner

…I'm sure you wouldn't get eaten.

Ensign Boimler, report to bridge duty at 15:30.

Brad Boimler

Oh, I'll report to bridge duty, and they'll get exactly what they deserve!

What?

Brad Boimler

Uh– Oh, nothing! That was a holodeck. Uh, Moriarty.

Brad Boimler

Where's your pip?

Beckett Mariner

I'm pretty good at getting demoted.

Brad Boimler

In the last hour?!

Beckett Mariner

You know, I'm sorry, but I'm starting to think that Barb might not actually exist.

Brad Boimler

Oh, she's real. She's as real as a hopped-up Q on Captain Picard Day.

Beckett Mariner

I've got a bad feeling about Barb.

Brad Boimler

I know. I can't believe she used to date Jet! That guy's like a Kirk sundae with Trip Tucker sprinkles.

Beckett Mariner

Brad, when a Starfleet relationship seems too good to be true, then– red alert, man! It probably is.

Brad Boimler

You think she's cheating on me?!

Beckett Mariner

No! I think she's a secret alien who's gonna eat you, or a Romulan spy, or a salt succubus, or an android, or a Changeling, or one of those sexy people in rompers that murders you just for going on the grass!

Brad Boimler

I can't believe I actually made eye contact with one of the Zebulon sisters! Oh God! I forgot how to breathe.

Beckett Mariner

Oh my God, and then when they added the third Chu and they were doing the Chu Chu Chu dance? They're geniuses!

D’Vana Tendi

She's 5% faster and 6% smarter. You know, I hand-edited all six billion sequences. It was really fun!

Brad Boimler

When did you even find time for that?

D’Vana Tendi

Sometimes when I say that I'm going to the bathroom, I'm really recoding her DNA.

Brad Boimler

Anyway, I'm into it. We get to rub shoulders with the visiting crew, maybe impress another captain.

Beckett Mariner

Oh, you're just excited to kiss a whole new butt, aren't you?

Brad Boimler

Well, I wouldn't put it like that, but yes. Very.