Bertram Gilfoyle quotes from Silicon Valley

Dinesh

Sorry, I'm not going to go work for Hooli.

Gilfoyle

Same for me, except for the part about being sorry.

Dinesh

What the fuck are we going to do?

Gilfoyle

I know what the fuck we're going to do. But you're not going to like it. We build our own servers.

Jared

Gilfoyle, servers are essentially a utility. I mean, you wouldn't dig a well for water or build a generator for power.

Gilfoyle

I think we should dig our own well and build our own generator. I also think we should store a year's worth of food and ammunition in a blast cellar. But we don't. So good luck when the shit hits the fan.

Gilfoyle

This might be morbid, but the cold hard fact is that if Blaine dies on our live stream, this could be good for us. I mean, we'd get a lot more traffic.

Dinesh

Well, and it would probably lead to calls for regulations in the stunt industry.

Gilfoyle

So, in the long term, we're saving lives.

Dinesh

Although, there is the moral problem with letting him die.

Gilfoyle

Though he did tell us to shut up. And his name is Blaine.

Dinesh

And Gina is super hot.

Gilfoyle

And this would make her single.

Dinesh

She'd probably need consoling, so... there's an opportunity.

Dinesh

Is that a still image? It's not frozen, is it?

Gilfoyle

No, it's live. It's just not moving very much because it's a fucking egg.

Jared

But think of the wonderful things going on inside that egg. The resolution in your imagination is infinite. Oh, hey, we're up to 17 views.

Dinesh

Did you see that? She gave me her hat.

Gilfoyle

Pretend you've seen a woman before.

Richard

Well, did you hack into it or not?

Gilfoyle

My feeling is, if you're the CEO of a company, and you're dumb enough to leave your login info on Post-It note on your desk, while the people that you fucking ripped off are physically in your office, it's not a hack. It's barely social engineering. It's more like natural selection.

Richard

Well, I mean, we have an unemployed and very pissed off systems guy, who very publicly threatened to skull-fuck our whole system.

Gilfoyle

He's not gonna do shit. He's a coder.

Dinesh

By definition, we're all pussies.

Dinesh

This is fucking amazing, I feel like I'm in Minority Report!

Gilfoyle

Except in reality, you're just a minority.

This is where we would install a Pied Piper engineer.

Richard

Sorry. Why, exactly, would we need to be here?

Your sales representative promised 24-hour-a-day, on-site maintenance... at least for the first year.

Gilfoyle

So, one of us would have to be down here for a year?

Dinesh

Even at night?

There's really no difference between day and night down here, so it makes things easy.

Richard

Okay, well, we should probably get going. Now.

Gilfoyle

Whoa, whoa, hold on. You're wearing a gold chain?

Dinesh

Oh, right. Yeah, I've had it for a while. Just kind of throw it on every then and now.

Gilfoyle

None of that is true. I definitely would've noticed.

Dinesh

Okay, listen. I've been working hard. I'm making money for the first time. I was like... buy myself something nice, you know?

Gilfoyle

But instead of that, you bought a chain?

Dinesh

You're just jealous I have a salary, quitter.

Gilfoyle

And you are too legit to quit, eh, MC Hamas?

Dinesh

[smug] Fuck off.

Gilfoyle

Later, Chain the Virgin.

Richard

[while testing a prototype for the box, the device signals an error] What the fuck? Why isn't this working? Gilfoyle's preprocessor and my compressor should integrate seamlessy. This should work.

Gilfoyle

I may have made my preprocessor slightly faster than you asked me to do, Richard.

Richard

What do you mean? How much slightly faster?

Gilfoyle

200 megs per second.

Dinesh

You dick. That's eight times as fast as the specs required. No wonder our modules aren't running at the same speed. Why would you do that?

Gilfoyle

I tried to make it slow. I really did. But I'm not Dinesh. It's very difficult for me to do shitty work.

Richard

Wait, so she lied? Why would she lie about using the beta?

Gilfoyle

Yeah, why would Dinesh lie about having friends? Why would Tara lie to me about fucking other guys when we have a totally open and hedonistic relationship that allows for behavior like that? Because people like to lie, Richard. It's a war of all against all. The history of humanity is a book written in blood. We're all just animals in a pit.

Richard

I feel very sad.

Dinesh

Fucking Gilfoyle.

Gilfoyle

What in God's name is that?

Jared

What do you think it is? It's a jacket! Now, I only ordered one as a sample, but once I have your sizes, we can all have them.

Dinesh

Why would we all want them? One is already too many. I don't mean in the house. I mean, like, in the world.

Jared

Now Gilfoyle, I have you at about a 40 long? Am I right?

Gilfoyle

If my mother was naked and dead in the street, I would not cover her body with that jacket.

Jared

Everything's fine. You know, everything's fine.

Gilfoyle

That's a lie. I can tell because you subscribe to traditional Judeo-Christian mores of right and wrong. You're made uncomfortable by untruth. My commitment to LaVeyan Satanism grants me certain freedoms. There is no good and evil, there's only self. Would you like a beverage?

Jared

Yes, I would.

Gilfoyle

Lie. You just want me to go to the bar and leave you alone.

Jared

[laughing nervously] Gil... you crack me up.

Gilfoyle

Lie.

Richard

Hey, Dinesh. I'm just, um, looking for Erlich. Have you seen him?

Dinesh

Oh, he went to the liquor store. Gotta keep the party going, you know?

Richard

Oh yeah. Yeah, Series B. Crazy, right?

Dinesh

Oh, it's unreal.

Richard

Yeah.

Dinesh

Almost like some of our users.

Richard

What? What... what does that mean?

Dinesh

Oh, "unreal" has so many meanings. "Fake," "paid for," "one person in Bangladesh pretending to be 6,000..."

Richard

Okay. Um... All right, Dinesh, um...

Dinesh

Oh, no. I don't want to know a fucking thing.

Richard

Okay then. Great. I won't tell you anything because nothing happened.

Dinesh

Great. Okay.

Gilfoyle

But if something did happen, and we're not saying it did, the fact remains that leaves us in a very advantageous position.

Dinesh

There's a lot of money on the table. And it would be a shame if that went away. You know what else would be a shame... is if I couldn't find my flash drive. Gilfoyle, have you seen my flash drive?

Gilfoyle

Right, the one with the zombie script on it?

Dinesh

Why yes, the zombie script that randomizes user action in platforms such as Pied Piper.

Gilfoyle

You mean so that fake users and click farms would be absolutely indistinguishable from real users?

Dinesh

Oh, I suppose. I mean, especially during due diligence, like the kind done by VCs or possible future reviews done by certain regulatory bodies. It also had photos of my auntie. Anyway, Gilfoyle, have you seen it?

Gilfoyle

I have not.

Dinesh

Mm, well, Richard, [places a flash drive on the ground] keep an eye out for it, will ya? Hey, Gilfoyle, you wanna come inside and help me get a new flash drive on WWW.staples.com?

Gilfoyle

Yeah, I think we're sort of done with the ruse.