Shameless · Season 1
[Breathes hard] That's strange. I have... I have a strange... [Breathes shortly] a strange feeling. I... oof. Liam, do I feel warm to you? [Pants]
Nah.
[Groans and sighs] Ah. My back. [Grunts and groans] It's like... my blood is warming. [Groans and throws a shirt over his back like a superhero cape]
Sign over the bar to me and I'll tell them that we were legit married and this was all just a big mistake.
No. I will sell my bar and live like a queen in Russia with all my money.
Bullshit. Your dream is a Quiznos in Kansas.
I keep two-thirds of bar.
One-third, and you pay Kev's medical bills. You also agree to take care of the three kids three days a week.
We are thrupple again?
No.
I manage bar and all bills.
We do that together, and you teach me what I don't know.
I teach you. But Kev, he is too stupid for math.
It's the inbreeding.
What?
We have a deal?
[Lip, Ian, Debbie and Carl are in the apartment that Fiona is renovating and she is sitting on floor with back against wall]
If we weren't so screwed, we wouldn't ask for your help.
The dude almost drowned me in my own hot tub.
You don't have to help us, but it would be really helpful if you could just tell us... tell us what you did with the last two pounds of meth.
[Fiona sighs and gets up to them lined up like a bootcamp rollcall]
Is this the part where you lecture us? 'Cause if you could just speed it up a little bit, that...
You wanna be a smartass, or do you want my help? I'm taking my time with this because I want you all to remember this... how hard you tried not to have to come to me. Because if you didn't have to come to me, then maybe you could just get through all this without having to admit... one simple truth. Which is that I was right. When I told you that keeping the meth... was a bad idea...
Mm-hmm.
[Whispers] ...I was right. When I begged you not to take it... I was right. When I told you that selling it and turning yourselves into fucking meth dealers was a terrible decision that could go horribly wrong, I was... super fucking right.
Well...
I am the one who saw to your survival...
[Ian groans]
...since you were babies. I am the only reason that you are still breathing and have limbs intact. So, I want you to remember this moment. So that the next time that I try to warn you against a plan that Frank and Monica thought was a good idea, maybe... just... maybe you will fucking listen!
Are you gonna tell us where the meth is or not, Fiona?
I am, Debs. I am. Right after every single one of you says... "you were right."
[Ian sighs]
"And I was wrong, Fiona."
Are you serious?
[Laughs] Yeah.
Sweet Jesus. What is that smell? Ugh, God.
I... I have my hot tub. It's worth, like, four K. It's, like, 33,000 in all.
That's not enough. You still owe me 37 grand!
Stop, stop. Let me handle this, please. Eric, is it? You were Monica's partner, I take it? Which means half of the drugs belonged to her, and we have done all we can to pay you back for your half. That smell? That reek, Eric? That stench that's filling your nostrils? That's Monica. Dead, rotting, beautiful, tortured, magnificent, ridiculous, worm-infested Monica. She died. We watched her die. And then we put her in the ground. We buried some drugs with her, but that's neither here nor there. And then we dug her up. But two bags of meth... plus nine grand and a hot tub? That's all we've got. That's it. And now she's six feet under again. And if you come near my family, Eric, as God as my witness, I will bury you with her. Are we clear?
Yeah. We're clear.
[Comes up to Fiona in the under renovation apartment] Did you have a chance to reconsider my friends' application?
I did not have that chance, Mel. I was dealing with a... family situation. And I was too busy texting Bahir and discovering your bedbug bullshit.
So?
[Inhales deeply and starts walking up to Mel's face] So... I've been trying to be... nice. Been trying to be mature. Trying to rise above my station in life. But if you wanna go ghetto on me... I will beat you at that game every fucking time. So, you're gonna call Bahir and tell him that you were lying. 'Cause if you don't... I'll fill your bed with real bedbugs just so I have an excuse to burn all your shit in the street. And then I'll evict you so that I can double your rent. 'Cause you don't scare me. We clear? [Mel nods head] All right, baby. You can do this. I'm right here.
[Ian and Carl are jogging when they pass Lula is putting up flyers]
You guys live up the street, right?
Depends on who's asking.
I'm Lula, I run the neighborhood watch program.
The neighborhood what?
Several houses in the area have been broken into. We're asking everyone to stay alert. They took Miss Fenderson's ventilation machine two nights ago and last night was Mr. Wilson across the street.
The Desert Storm guy?
They took his Purple Heart and Silver Star from his mantle and his TV.
Messing with a veteran is a serious violation of everything we hold dear as Americans. What intel do you have of the perpetrators?
He means we'll take a flyer [Takes a flyer] and keep an eye out.
Uh...
Thank you. [To Carl] Hey. [They continue jogging]
I can't believe I'm about to meet my real life family. Didn't know I had any relatives. How am I supposed to greet them? Do we hug? Kiss on the cheek? I don't wanna get it wrong.
All of my family reunions start with my aunts blaming each other for who fucked up the potato salad.
Wow, look at all the birds. It's all so green. It's the land of my people.
Looks like one of those movies where the black folks die first.
[To Kevin] Just like your brothers. Love the dark meat. Must be in the blood.
[Ian and Carl come in the door to kitchen]
Violating a veteran of the Armed Forces requires an immediate show of counterinsurgency. Shock and awe for those bitches.
[Hands Lip a flyer] Don't ask.
Fuck's a neighborhood watch?
A club of George Zimmerman-type of pussies who aren't trained for military action.
Oh, I think it's a group version of not minding your own business.
Fiona's gonna be pissy.
Why, what'd you do?
Let Sean in.
What? Sean? Sean?! He was here?!
Yep, then he left.
Fiona's gonna kill him.
Sun salutations, fruits of my loins. Am I hearing correctly? The Sean has returned?
Yep.
This is a test of our family's spiritual growth. I forgive him and wish him peace on his journey.
How much longer are we gonna be putting up with St. Francis of the Southside?
Permanent life change is a daily practice, Lip. I've just entered my symbolic 30s and they require a new sense of maturity.
What happened to your symbolic 20s?
We grow up fast in the age of enlightenment.
That's great, so Frank's in his early 30s and I'm back in puberty. I'm getting a boner every morning and having to whack off.
You're not getting laid?
No, it's part of the rules of sobriety. You know, I'm supposed to stay away from relationships... for a while.
Ooh, beware of rules, son. Real change happens when you reset your internal clock.
Thanks for the fatherly advice.
Your 30s are all about becoming a stand-up man. And learning to embrace fatherhood.
Too bad you're out of kids to screw up.
That's so not true. I've still got Liam. He's the only Gallagher who hasn't been ruined by that whirlwind known as Monica. And I'm going to parent him the way I should've been parenting all along, right, son? Let's get you to school on time. The first step in good parenting... Punctuality. Let's go.
This is your pa after a fight, God rest his soul. His face is a little bloody after beating Buddy Smith within an inch of his life for calling your grandma a whore. We are true Kentuckians. Stand up for family.
Wow. That... that's what I do. I didn't know it was a Kentucky thing.
These are your brothers, Biff and Barry after going deer hunting. I got their first kill right up there on the wall. And that is your Uncle Travis with one of his biggest catfish catches.
70 pound.
You use your arm as bait?
Used my fist and my arm. Stick it in the hole, catfish chomps down on it, pull him out.
Damn. (LAUGHS)
Heh, hurts a little bit but it's a hell of a lot of fun.
And that's your sister Bambi. She used to think the camera flash was a poltergeist. [Laughs]
And what about my mother?
[Sucks in teeth] She ran off, sweetie. We never heard from her again. About the same time we lost you.
Why did you leave me at the gas station?
[Sighs] It was an accident, Barty. Your daddy went to pee and he left you at the double bubble machine because you loved to watch those little gumballs. And... he thought that I grabbed you and I thought that he grabbed you and the car was full of kids and didn't none of us know till we drove ten hours into the next state. You'll see. Tomorrow, when the whole family comes over for the barbecue... You never left our hearts.
[Refers to framed photo above fireplace] Who's this?
That's Great Grandpa Colonel Joe Petersman. He was a decorated raider in the Civil War.
[Referring to two African-Americans on either sides of him] Who're the two guys behind him?
Jessup and Harold. Old members of the family.
[His foot is caught in bear trap in backyard] Ow! Oh, what the fuck?!
[Rushes out back door] Oh, shit! I got him!
[Groans] Uh, ow! Oh! Oh! What the fuck?! Aah!
I see you found the little copper treat I left you.
Who are you?!
I'm your worst fuckin' nightmare!
Ahh!
[Visiting JJ chained up in the basement] I see you found the little treat I left you. Sorry I gotta keep you down here, son. I understand why you did what you did, but you stole from a veteran, homey. It's a crime against America. Actions have consequences.
Hey there, associate manager of the garden department.
Aha! Hey, hand me that little spade over there... Ah, heck, you know what? Never mind, forget it. I'm already covered in dirt.
Mrs. Seery told us about Liam's test. The parents have assembled a committee to eliminate cultural bias in standardized testing. We're petitioning Congress to support the Every Student Succeeds Act, and we're instituting a round table to open each exam question to multiple interpretations based on ethnic and economic considerations.
It's an excellent start, and I'm happy to lead the charge, although sometimes I feel like our journey is this big and a committee is this big.
Your hands... filthy.
Some employees like to wear gloves. I prefer the sensation of my bare hands in the moist soil.
Wish I could get laid someplace comfortable, like with a bed or... Show me your hands again. [Making love to Frank in the storeroom] Oh! Your fingernails are so dirty! Ah! Now tell me how much you made last year, without taxes.
I don't know. Two grand, maybe, and I don't pay taxes.
Ah!
Hi.
The boy from tea.
Yeah. Uh, look. Sorry to bug you so late...
Reasons you're here. Quickly.
We need money to buy the church, or we'll lose it.
Buy? I thought you wanted to lease.
It changed.
I don't appreciate unannounced home visits. Run along, now.
I know you from The Fairy Tail. You're a Friday night regular. You cover your face with your turtleneck when you come. So maybe your wife would like to know about that.
Hon? It's the redhead from the club. Thinks you should know about my turtleneck. Also, he wants money.
Lillian. I'm the one with the money. Pleasure. How much would you like?
Um... 30K, for a down payment to buy a building for at-risk youth.
I hear you give exquisite head. I'm curious if your skills extend to both genders.
Good night, son.
You get the light? Read to me.
Why would I do that?
Other kids' parents read to them at night.
Oh. Right, that's a... that's a thing. [Picks book off table] Uh... "The victorious strategist seeks battle after the victory has been won, while he who is destined to defeat first fights and seeks victory afterwards." Hmm.
Are we at war?
Yes, we are, son. You're, um... probably a little young for this, but I'm gonna plant a seed here. Those rich, white, liberal parents at your school were once radicals. Rebels. Renegades. At some point, they fell in step with societal expectations and became robots. So when they look at us, loudmouthed, antiestablishment, unafraid to confront the power structures, they feel alive. So... we gotta take advantage of that. Right?
Right.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Shameless pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
