This one's gonna take. My boys are gonna hit your bull's-eye.
Mm. I can feel it.
Come on, boys! [Laughs] Swim! Swim like Michael Phelps! Swim, baby! Can a vagina go deaf?
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Reading a birthday cake] Haddy Birtbay Juby?
Bakery guy is dyslexic.
It's not the homo thing that gets me, 'cause gays hit on me all the time and it doesn't bother me.
Of course they do. You wear designer jeans and coconut hair product. You're like gay flypaper.
[To Molly] I will totally teach you to swim. We can protect one another from city kids who hate white people!
I don't know what you see in that geriatric viagroid.
He buys me stuff. Orders me room service... He isn't afraid to kiss me.
Hey, you know that guy you beat the shit out off at that club? Want me to sneak into his mansion and take all of his crap.
Really. Hilarious.
Can't get them himself. Divorce. Says I can take whatever I want. He's loaded. You want in? [Mickey holds up a pistol] Jesus! Use blanks, maybe!
Can I bring my cousins?
Yeah.
Alright. I'm in.
[Lloyd visits Ian at work at Kash and Grab]
LLloyd
Can you forgive a man who's falling apart? A little?
Yeah.
LLloyd
Can I kiss you?
No.
LLloyd
Just a little. So listen. Um, I need somebody to rob my house, and I'm hoping you could help.
You want me to rob your house?
LLloyd
Candace changed the locks on the house. My goddamn house. And she won't let me back in, so I need someone to steal my stuff. If I do it, the neighbors might recognize me. You go in during daylight hours, and you look like movers. You'll be fine. Look, she stays up till 3:00 a.m. Drinking Stoli' Vanilla and watching Bowflex ads. She'll be unconscious until well past noon. Okay, this could be very lucrative for you. You can take anything you want. Come on, it's all insured. All I want are my two armani suits, My Lucien Freud, and my bottle of 1990 Chateau Latour Pauillac. What do you say? Will you do it?
[Frank is sleeping in a dirt hole leaning against fence and Fiona walks along kicking Frank in the head]
Enough with the kicking! Christ!
Where is she?!
I can't- I give up. I need sleep.
Let me spell this out for you. The city digs up some bones. The police show up. They figure out it's Aunt Ginger. They date the bones. They realize she's been dead for 14 years, And yet, her social security checks are being cashed every month. This isn't a DUI, Frank. You buried a body and you stole from the federal government. You will never get out of prison. Think about it.
Fuck.
Frank?
Yes, son?
Why would a dude put his penis In another dude's mouth?
Well, sometimes men discover things about themselves, like they prefer male genitalia To female genitalia.
Wait. So some guys like to lick wieners?
Well, I'm sure at first they're attracted To each other's build. And once a connection gets made, Then the wieners get licked. It's a scorcher today, ain't it?
VDr. Vega
[Glancing at computer] I've got an 11:00 ovarian cyst, an 11:30 UTI, and a preteen pregnancy in the lobby, so can you tell me why you're here when I just saw you two weeks ago?
We've been banging like bunnies And I can't get pregnant. I need another exam.
VDr. Vega
It won't change anything.
But you said last time I had a chance of getting pregnant.
VDr. Vega
I believe I said you had very little chance. I also used the words, "highly unlikely" And "wildly improbable."
You got my baby girl's hopes up for nothing.
VDr. Vega
I chose to mitigate a difficult discussion with upbeat and positive phrasings.
I need to know the truth. Can I have a damn baby or not?
VDr. Vega
Put is this way, you have a 99.999 chance of not getting pregnant, nothing is impossible.
So does, like, one penis go into the other penis?
HJHank jr.
Of course. When gay dudes get horny, Their pee holes open.
[Debbie walks up to Frank jackhammering in the backyard]
Daddy!
Hey. Whoa. You stink like bleach.
Yeah, I was at the pool today. I stayed under for 112 seconds.
Hey, good for you!
Yeah.
Show those syphilis-ridden turbo sluts a thing or two. They think they own the water just 'cause they piss in it.
I need to know where the gay wieners go.
[Sighs] You know how you plunge a toilet when it's backed up?
Yeah.
Think of it as one dude plunging another dude's toilet.
MMolly
I can't wait to get my period. Mom said it's the body's tribute to female sacrifice.
You're not a girl, honey. You're a boy who was raised By a jacked-up meth head of a mom Who made you think you were a girl Because she hates men.
MMolly
I'm not a girl?!
[Sheila has realised her hospice patient, a senior nun has been blogging about Sheila on her iPad]
Oh! Oh! I thought you took a vow of silence. The silence doesn't include the internet? You have been blogging about me every day?
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