Elaine Benes quotes from Seinfeld

Frank

I'm sitting at home, reading a periodical, and this is the call I get? My son is a bootlegger? [He hits George in the head]

George

Ow! Dad...

Frank

Who put you up to this, was it her?

Elaine

All right. Wait a minute. I think you've got it backwards.

Frank

My George isn't clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.

Elaine

You got that right.

Frank

What the hell does that mean?

Elaine

It means whatever the hell you want it to mean.

Frank

You sayin' you want a piece of me?

Elaine

I'd drop you like a bag of dirt.

Frank

You want a piece of me?! YOU GOT IT!!!

Jerry

See that salesman, twirling that umbrella?

Elaine

Uh huh.

Jerry

I invented that.

Elaine

That had to be invented?

Elaine

You speak Burmese?

No Elaine, that was gibberish. So did you have any trouble finding the place?

Elaine

No, you're the only white poet warlord in the neighborhood

Are you an assassin?

Elaine

I work for your mail order catalog.

You're an errand girl sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill?

Elaine

Well, actually I do have a bill here, if you could just sign this expense, I think I could still make the last fan boat out of here

I'd be happy to Elaine... but I will have to see this hat.

Jerry

You had more bread?

Elaine

That's not the point. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. I mean, to be stab-worthy, you know? It's kind of a compliment.

Jerry

Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one.

George

Listen to the comeback: "Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you."

George

Wha...You gotta be kidding me?!

Elaine

How 'bout this one? How 'bout, "Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent."?

George

What does that mean?

Jerry

Hey, here you go: "Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six."

George

No. No, no, no. You're not helping me.

Kramer

Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him.

Kramer

Hey, Elaine, do you have some free time tomorrow afternoon?

Elaine

Me?

Kramer

Yeah, because you're perfect. You're a calculating, cold-hearted business woman. When there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on throats.

Jerry

Oh, come on.

Situation number four: You're breathing on your own you're conscious, but with no muscular function.

Kramer

Well, would I be able to communicate? I don't see how. I don't like the sound of this one.

Elaine

Yeah, let's pull the cord, huh? Yank it like you're starting a mower.

Moving on.

You have liver, kidneys and gallbladder but no central nervous system.

Kramer

Well, I gotta have a central nervous system.

Elaine

Okay.

One lung, blind, and you're eating through a tube.

Kramer

No, that's not my style.

Elaine

[after Jerry's girlfriend's toothbrush got knocked into the toilet] You still couldn't kiss her?

Jerry

She has a taint. I can't see it, but I know it's there.

Elaine

Oh, so now you're finding fault on a sub-atomic level.

Jerry

Maybe if I could shrink myself down, like in Fantastic Voyage, and get inside a microscopic submarine, I could be sure. Although if there was something there, it might be pretty scary. Course, I would have that laser.

Elaine

Jer, do you see where this is going?

Jerry

Being really clean and happy?

Elaine

Jerry, you have tendencies. They're always annoying, but they were just tendencies. But now, if you can't kiss this girl, I'm afraid we're talking disorder.

Jerry

Disorder?

Elaine

And from disorder, you're a quirk or two away from full-on dementia.

Jerry

[thoughtful] Hmm, that could hurt me.

How could you not love that movie?

Elaine

How about, it sucked?

Elaine

[quietly, watching The English Patient] No. I can't do this any more. I can't. It's too long. [yells] Quit telling your stupid story about the stupid desert, and just die already! DIE!

[surprised] Elaine, you don't like the movie?

Elaine

[shouts] I hate it!

Elaine

Oh, go to hell!

Elaine

I've yada yada'd sex.

George

Really?

Elaine

Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.

Jerry

But you yada yada'd over the best part.

Elaine

No, I mentioned the bisque.

Kramer

So how's George?

Jerry

I don't know. They don't tell me anything. What's that?

Kramer

[holding his broken Tony award, mournfully] Tony.

Jerry

What happened to you?

Kramer

Raquel Welch. [Welch had attacked Kramer after he attempted to fire her from the set of 'Scarsdale Surprise']

Jerry

What happened to you?

Elaine

Raquel Welch.

Jerry

Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. No, no, no, I do not want to stop over in Cincinnati. Well, then you upgrade me. That's right, you should thank me. Goodbye. [Hangs up] Hey, I'm flyin' first class.

Elaine

Where did that come from?

Jerry

Patty showed me how to get mad. You gotta problem with that?

Elaine

[intimidated] No.

Jerry

Good.

Kramer

You went to the coffee shop without me? I told ya, I just wanted to hop in the shower.

Jerry

That was an hour ago. What were you doing in there?

Kramer

Showering. How long does it take you?

Jerry

Ten minutes.

Kramer

Ten minutes? That's kooky talk. Hey Elaine, how long do you spend in the shower?

Elaine

Ten minutes.

Kramer

Let me smell you.

Elaine

All right. Whiff away.

Kramer

[after delicately sniffing Elaine] Uh... that's not bad at all.

Kramer

Newman and I are reversing the peepholes on our door so you can see in.

Elaine

Why?

Newman

To prevent an ambush.

Kramer

Yeah, so now I can peek to see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies.

Jerry

But then anyone can just look in and see you.

Kramer

Our policy is, we're comfortable with our bodies. You know, if someone wants to help themselves to an eyeful, well, we say "Enjoy the show."

Jerry

You've been hiding her from us. you must really like her?

George

Ah! the minute I saw this girl, we just clicked. She's got such a nice face... hmm, her eyes, her mouth, nose...

Elaine

We know what a face consists of.