Elaine Benes quotes from Seinfeld

Jerry

Well, it looks like you've adjusted to the boxers.

Kramer

Well, I wouldn't go as far as that.

Jerry

You went back to the Jockeys?

Kramer

Wrong again.

Jerry

[realizing ] Oh, no.

Elaine

What? What?

Jerry

Don't you see what's goin' on here? No boxers, no Jockeys…

Jerry

The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine…Kramer, say it isn't so.

Kramer

Oh, it be so. I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it.

Jerry

Hey! Did you get the Volvo?

George

No, I decided to go with an '89 LeBaron.

Elaine

A LeBaron?

Jerry

I thought Consumer said Volvo was the car?

George

What Consumer? I'm the consumer.

Jerry

Alright. Seems like... a strange choice.

George

Well, maybe so... but it was good enough for Mr. Jon Voight.

Elaine

Jon Voight? The actor?

George

That's right. He just happened to be the previous owner of the vehicle.

Jerry

You bought a car because it belonged to Jon Voight?

George

No, no...

Jerry

I think yes, yes. You like the idea of telling people you're driving Jon Voight's car.

Elaine

Um, yeah, hi, I'd like delivery please to 16 West 75th St. apartment 2G.

[menacingly] I know that address! You're Benes, right? You're on our list. NO MORE DELIVERIES!

Elaine

No. no, she doesn't live here anymore. This is someone else.

Oh, yeah. What's the name?

Elaine

Why do you need the name? You already have the address.

[in a sinister tone] We need a name. Give us a name!

Elaine

Okay, okay, Ned Isakoff.

Jerry

I'm going on record right now that was my last kiss hello. I am getting off the kiss program with her.

Elaine

Why?

Jerry

Well, frankly, outside of a sexual relationship, I don't see the point to it. I'm not thrilled with all the handshaking either, but one step at a time. If you could say touch her breast as part of the kiss hello, then I think I could see the value in it a little bit better.

Elaine

How about an intercourse hello? How would that be?

Jerry

Elaine, now you're just being ridiculous.

You know, Jimmy is pretty sweet on you.

Elaine

[thinks that Jimmy is another guy] Aaaaaahhh! He is?

Oh, yeah! Jimmy's been watching you. You're just Jimmy's type.

Elaine

Ahh! Really?

Jimmy's new in town. Jimmy... doesn't really know anyone.

Elaine

Oh! Well, I'd like to get to know him.

Jimmy would like to get to know you.

Jerry

You said, "George likes spicy chicken."

George

No I didn't.

Elaine

Yes, you did. You said, "George likes spicy chicken."

Jerry

You know what you're doing? You're turning into Jimmy.

George

George is getting UPSET!

Elaine

What's this, a drawing of Mr. Magoo?

Jerry

No, that's George.

Jerry

Who are these nitwits that get on a plane with nothing to read? You know who these people are?

Elaine

Who?

Jerry

These are the people that want to talk to you. They got nothing else to do, why not disturb you?

Elaine

I will never understand people.

Jerry

They're the worst.

Jerry

I still can't believe, you're going out on a blind date.

Elaine

I'm not worried. It sounds like he's really good looking.

Jerry

You're going by sound? What are we, whales?

Elaine

I think I can tell.

Jerry

Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good looking?

Elaine

25 percent.

Jerry

25 percent, you say? No way! It's like 4 to 6 percent. It's a 20 to 1 shot.

Elaine

You're way off.

Jerry

Way off? Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's like a leper colony down there.

Elaine

So what you are saying is that 90 to 95 percent of the population is undateable?

Jerry

UNDATEABLE!

Elaine

[To George after he mocked her catalogue] Yeah, what do you do all day?

George

Not that much.

Jerry

I thought that new promotion was supposed to be a lot more work.

George

Yeah, when the season starts. Right now I sit around pretending that I'm busy.

Jerry

How do you pull that off?

George

I always look annoyed. Yeah, when you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy. Think about it... [puts on an annoyed face]

Elaine

Yeah, you do! He looks very busy!

Jerry

Yeah, he looks busy!

George

I know what I'm doin.' In fact Mr. Wilhelm gave me one of those little stress dolls. All right, back to work. [puts on the annoyed face]

Elaine

Hi there. Um... [drums on the counter] Oh, oh, oh, one mulligatawny, and um... What is that right there? Is that Lima beans?

Yes.

Elaine

Never been a big fan. [imitates gagging] Um... Y'know what has anyone ever told you look exactly like Al Pacino? [the Soup Nazi looks at her in confusion] Y'know, Scent of a Woman? Hoo-ah! Hoo-ah! [chuckles]

Very good. Very good. You know something?

Elaine

Hmm?

NO SOUP FOR YOU!

Elaine

What?!

Come back one year! Next!

Kramer

Hello and welcome to Moviefone! Brought to you by the New York Times and HOT 97. Coming to theatres this Friday... [deep trailer voice-over] Kevin Bacon. Susan Sarandon. You've got to get me over that mountain! NOO! [imitates air raid effect and long scream] There's no higher place than... Mountain High. Rated R. If you know the name of the movie that you'd like to see, press 1.

Elaine

Kramer? Is that you?

Kramer

Elaine?

Elaine

What time does Chow Fung start?

Kramer

I dunno.

Elaine, you've tested positive for opium.

Elaine

What?

That's right, Elaine. White lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally!

I know what you're going through. I too once fell under the spell of opium. It was 1979. I was traveling the Yangtzee in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest. I had got to the market after sundown. All of the clothing traders had gone, but a different sort of trader still lurked about. "Just a taste" he said. That was all it took.

Elaine

Mr. Peterman, I don't know what's going on here. I am not addicted to anything.

Oh, Elaine, the toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. The price? Your soul. Oh, and by the way, you have till 5:00 to clear out your desk. You're fired.

Jerry

Hey, uh... what'd you get there?

Kramer

I bought Dungarees.

Elaine

Kramer, they're painted on!

Kramer

Well, they're slim-fit.

Jerry

Slim-fit?

Kramer

Yeah, they're streamlined.

Jerry

You're walkin' like Frankenstein!

Kramer

What? They just gotta be worked in a little bit, that's all.

Jerry

It was unprecedented. I mean, it was the first truly mutual breakup in relationship history. No rejection, no guilt, no remorse.

Elaine

You've never felt remorse.

Jerry

I know. I feel bad about that.