Why shouldn't we be able to do that once in a while if we want to?
ElaineI know.
I mean, really, what is the big deal? We go in there. [Points to the bedroom] We're in there for a while. We come right back out here. It's not complicated.
Elaine
It's almost stupid if we didn't.
Elaine
Absurd!
Of course, I guess, maybe, some little problems could arise.
Elaine
Well, there are always a few.
I mean, if anything happened, and we couldn't be friends the way we are now, that would be really bad.
Elaine
Devastating.
Because this is very good. [Points back and forth between them to indicate friendship]
Elaine
And that would be good. [Points to bedroom]
That would be good too. The idea is combine the this and the that. But this cannot be disturbed.
Elaine
Yeah, we just wanna take this and...add that.
But of course, we'd have to figure out a way to avoid the things that cause the little problems. Maybe some rules or something.
Elaine
Huh.
For example, now, I call you whenever I'm inclined and vice versa.
Elaine
Right.
But if we did that, we might feel a certain obligation to call.
Elaine
Well why should that be? Oh, I have an idea. I have an idea. No calls the day after that.
Beautiful. Let's make it a rule.
Elaine
All right, sir.
Now here's another little rule. When we see each other now, we retire to our separate quarters. But sometimes, when people get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. When that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from that. And I don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that.
Elaine
Okay, okay. Spending the night is optional!
Well now we're gettin' somewhere.
Elaine
Now, what about the kiss goodnight?
Elaine
It's...bourgeois.
Elaine
Ya know, its not fair people are seated First Come First Served, It should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just going over there and taking some food off somebody's plate.
I'll tell you what, there's 50 bucks in it for you if you do it.
Elaine
What do you mean?
You walk over that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything, you eat it, say 'thank you very much', wipe your mouth, walk away- I give you 50 bucks.
They won't do anything; in fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives.
Elaine
50 bucks, you'll give me 50 bucks?
50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples.
Elaine
OK, I don't wanna go over there and do it, and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it or something...
Elaine
Should I do it, George?
For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow.
I think the busboy's in trouble.
Did I get him in trouble? Because of what I said? I just told him what happened. He didn't do it on purpose! [The manager and the busboy are arguing, The busboy points in the direction of George.] He pointed at me. Why did he point at me?
Elaine
I said I would never eat here again. But, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding.
[casually] I didn't say anything.
[George enters, his pants are ripped at the knee]
One of those kids called me a Mary.
Elaine
A what?
I was jumping over a puddle and for some reason I went like this. [George stretches out his arms in a ballet motion] They called me a Mary. So I chased them, and I tripped and I fell.
Yeah, you know kids, they can be very perceptive.
Elaine
Oh, you're being audited? What for?
Oh, I contributed money to a charity that turned out to be fraudulent. It's very...
Elaine
When was this?
Uh, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.
Elaine
I remember you donated to some volcano thing on our first date.
Elaine
Oh, wait a minute. Don't tell me that that was ...
Elaine
What did you think, that would impress me?
You got it all wrong. I was thinking only of the poor Krakatoans.
Elaine
Like you make this donation for 50 bucks and I'd start tearing my clothes off?
Those brave Krakatoans East of Java, who sacrificed so much for so long.
Elaine
Now you're being audited because of it. You see that's Karma.
Elaine
[about driving them around to find the lost car] Why can't you do it?
Elaine
No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to.
Elaine
But why? Why don't you want to?
Elaine
But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out?
Hey, how'd you do on that IQ test?
Elaine
What IQ test?
Why must you always be the focal point of attention? Why can't you just be? Why can't you live?
Elaine
It's just a Latin phrase, George, it does not mean anything. Now, what is this IQ test?
This woman that he's dating is making him take this IQ test for this course.
Elaine
Oh, that sounds like fun!
Yeah, fun. IQ test's are totally bogus! They prove nothing!
Elaine
You'll do well, you're smart.
No, see, he's not smart. People think he's smart but he's not.
Elaine
What did you get on your SAT's?
You know, I don't even know my IQ.
Elaine
Mine's 145.
Elaine
You get outta here!
You get outta here! [Elaine laughs]
[jokingly] Maybe you should take the test for me.
Boy, that'd be something, cheating on an IQ test. Hey, remember in college when you passed Lettick the test out the window? You became a legend after that.
Yeah. Yeah, I really has some guts back then. [Serious] Why don't we do it again?
Elaine
What?
You could take the IQ test for me. I could pass it to you out of a window. We can do it, she lives on the first floor!
Elaine
You serious?
Elaine
Where would I take the test?
I don't know. She lives right around the corner, you could take it here or go to the coffee shop.
Elaine
No, that would be too noisy.
Take it at the Dram Cafe, you won't hear a peep.
Elaine
[to Jerry] What do you think?
Hey, I love a good caper.
Elaine
Yeah, that's what it is, isn't it? A caper. Huh.
Elaine
What the hey?
Yeah! Beautiful! [goes to high-five Elaine but misses and hits her in the head] Ooh, sorry!
[Jerry is looking out the window again and spots George below]
How'd you do on the IQ test?
[Jerry starts laughing]
Elaine
85?
Elaine
He's coming up?
Well, I'm no genius, but according to my calculations, he should be here in a few seconds.
Elaine
Yeah, but an 85, Jerry, that's ridiculous.
Well, maybe the test was gender biased, you know a lot of questions about hunting and testicles...
[George comes in looking angry]
[Sarcastically to Elaine] Oh, hello professor.
Elaine
George, I cannot believe...
Elaine
No, there's gotta be a mistake.
You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.
Elaine
Listen, there were too many distractions there. Babu...what ever his name was and Kramer...I couldn't concentrate.
[Mockingly] It was a madhouse.
Elaine
Jerry, it was! Let me take it again.
Elaine
Oh come on, come on, I'll guarantee you 140. What do you have to lose?
Elaine
No, no, come on, I guarantee it!
Elaine
Ok. Now where am I gonna take it?
Take it here, I'll leave. There will be no distractions.
Elaine
[about Eva's fur] You don't care that innocent defenseless animals are being tortured so that you can look good?
Could we talk about this some other time?
AAva
Are you a vegetarian?
Elaine
Yeah, I eat fish occasionally.
AAva
So you're a hypocrite.
Hey, I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect.
All right, Coney Island. Okay, you can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway-Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4, or 5, but don't get on the G. See, that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th street, then you got to get on the R.
Elaine
Couldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island?
Seinfeld · 352 quotes
