Elaine Benes quotes from Seinfeld

Unfortunately the immutable laws of physics contradict the whole premise of your account. Allow me to reconstruct this, if I may, for Miss Benes, as I've heard this story a number of times. Newman, Kramer, if you'll indulge me. According to your story, Keith passes you and starts walking up the ramp. Then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple, striking Newman between the third and fourth rib. The spit then came off the rib, turned and hit Newman in the right wrist, causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses in mid-air, mind you, makes a left turn, and lands on Newman's left thigh. Now that is one magic loogie!

...

I'm saying that the spit could not have come from behind, that there had to have been a second spitter, behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you as you claim, that would've caused your head to pitch forward.

Elaine

So the spit could've only come from the front and to the right.

But that's not what they would have you believe.

Newman

[walks out] I'm leavin.' Jerry's a nut!

[following Newman] Wait, wait, wait.

The sad thing is that we may never know the real truth.

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Elaine

[Kissing Keith, thinking] Who does this guy think he is?

KHKeith Hernandez

[Thinking] I'm Keith Hernandez.

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I said 'God bless you'. Was that so wrong?

The question is, did you allow a space for the husband to come in with his 'God bless you'? Because as the husband, he has the right to first refusal.

[The intercom buzzes, Jerry walks over and presses the button]

Elaine

It's me.

Come on up.

Yes, yes, I definitely waited. But let me say this: Once he passes on that option, that 'God bless you' is up for grabs.

No argument. Unless, she's one of these multiple sneezers, and he's holding his 'God bless you' in abeyance, until she completes the series.

Well I don't think she is a multiple sneezer, because she sneezed again later, and it was also a single.

What if she's having an off night?

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All bald people look good in hats.

Elaine

You should have lived in the twenties and thirties. You know, men wore hats all the time then.

What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.

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Elaine

Just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that we're in love, okay? Can you do that?

Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend... Have we been intimate?

Elaine

Yeah, yeah, we've been intimate.

How often do we do it?

Elaine

Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's gonna ask you that?

Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that.

Elaine

Alright, alright. We do it, uh...five times a week, okay?

Oooh, baby.

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Elaine

Oh god, oh, it's you! You scared me!

JDJoe Divola

Good. Fear is our most primal emotion.

Elaine

You left your door open.

JDJoe Divola

I know, I like to encourage intruders.

Elaine

[laughs] What's all this?

JDJoe Divola

Do you like it? My home is a shrine to you.

Elaine

Where did you get all these pictures?

JDJoe Divola

I took them myself with a telephoto lens. Coming out of your office, your apartment, shopping, showering.

Elaine

Showering?

JDJoe Divola

I developed them myself in my dark room. Would you like to see?

Elaine

In the dark room? Uh no, no thank you. Not right now. I'm a day person!

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She's a virgin. I just found out.

Elaine

Well, I didn't know!

Well, it's not like spotting a toupee.

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Elaine

What're you looking at?

There's a naked woman across the street.

Elaine

[chuckling] This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. So, my friend, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight.

Yeah...the - the waitress should've taken it back.

Elaine

So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars.

Uh-huh.

Have a good time.

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Hey! How come I didn't get a Christmas card? Everybody else got one. Jerry got one, Kramer got one. I thought we were good friends. I don't get a Christmas card. I don't get it.

Elaine

You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card? All right here. [rubs George's head on her breasts] Here's your Christmas card.

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Elaine

I don't wanna go to a miniplex multi-theater!

It's the same movie! What's the difference?

Elaine

It's not a theater, it's like a room where they bring in P.O.W.s to show them propaganda films.

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Hey, you know what else is playing here? "Rochelle Rochelle."

Elaine

Ugh.

I wouldn't mind seeing that.

Elaine

Yeah, you know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.

So what's your point?

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Boy, do you smell something?

Elaine

Do I smell something? What am I, hard of smelling? Of course I smell something.

What is it?

Elaine

I think it's B.O.

What?

Elaine

It's B.O. The valet must've had B.O.

It can't be. Nobody has B.O. like this.

Elaine

Jerry, it's B.O.

But the whole car smells.

Elaine

So?

So, when somebody has B.O., the O usually stays with the B. Once the B leaves, the O goes with it.

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It still smells.

How could it still smell after all that?

I don't know.

Well, what are you gonna do?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm selling that car.

You're selling the car?

You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine! Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench! And I'll take anything I can get for it.

Maybe I'll buy it.

Are you crazy? Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This isn't just an odor! You need a priest to get rid of this thing!

[Elaine comes in]

Elaine

I still smell.

You see? You see what I'm saying to you? It's a presence! It's the beast!

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I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.

He's right! It's the same thing with the feminists. You know, they want everything to be equal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they?

Elaine

What's that supposed to mean?

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I don't even like Drake.

You don't like The Drake?