George Costanza quotes from Seinfeld

Kramer

[Seeing George eating pretzels] May I have one of those, madam?

George

Madam? What are you calling me madam for?

Kramer

They're ladies' glasses,

Kramer

Now look here, see it's right here: Gloria Vanderbilt Collection.

George

He sold me ladies' glasses!

Frank

How long it takes to find a bra? What's going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds...you know about the cup sizes and all? They have different cups.

George

I know about the cups.

Frank

You got the A, B, C the D. That's the biggest.

George

I know the D is the biggest. I've based my whole life on knowing that the D is the biggest.

Kramer

I'm tellin' ya! The pigman is alive. The government's been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.

Jerry

Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.

Kramer

Oh, Jerry. Would you wake up to reality! It's a military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.

George

I wish there were pigmen. You get a few of these pigmen walking around I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, Hey he's no pig-man!

Jerry

Believe me, there'd be plenty of women going for the pigmen. No matter what the deformity you'll find some group of perverts attracted to it. Ooo that little tail turns me on.

Mr. Costanza, come in, come in. It’s been a very trying couple of days around the hospital. Doctors, patients, everyone just grief stricken over this unfortunate occurrence.

George

Well, I join them in their grief.

Horrible thing. Flew right past the children’s wing. All the sick children in the playroom looking out the window, just traumatized by the incident. Apparently, they thought he was flying. You know how children are. “Oh, look, a man is flying! A man is flying!” and then…splat.

George

That’s where I come in, on “splat”. You see Mrs. Sweedler, or is it Hospital Administrator Sweedler?

Mrs. Sweedler.

George

Mrs. Sweedler. Thank you very much. You see, this tragedy has affected me in a very…very personal way.

How is that?

George

Yes, well, you see…the deceased…landed on my car. The “splat”, as it were, actually occurred on the roof of my car. Now, of course I can’t help but feel that had it been a convertible, this whole tragedy might have been averted. But I’ve never been the kind of guy to buy a convertible what with the baldness and everything.

Well, I have known bald men who owned convertibles. They wore a hat.

George

Yes, but then everything’s all pulled down and-- Ah, anyway. The damage, unfortunately, has marred an otherwise fine automobile rendering it virtually undrivable.

[Flatly] Yes. Well that is a shame.

George

Yes! A shame. That is exactly how I would put it. Now, Mrs. Sweedler, with all due discretion and sensitivity, and taking in the whole scope of the situation, I just can’t help but think that…the hospital is somehow responsible for compensating the other still living victim of this horrendous, horrendous tragedy.

Mr. Costaza,

George

Yes?

A man plummeted tragically to his ultimate demise,

George

Yes.

And you greedily, callously, want to profit from it?

George

Well, “profit”? I--I think you’ll see from the estimate that I’m not really profiting that much. [Takes the estimate from the insurance company out of his pocket to show Mrs. Sweedler] It might be a little high, but--

Get out. Get out now. Get out of my office!

George

Should I just leave this---?

Get out!

It's not you, it's me.

George

[appalled] You're giving me the "It's Not You, It's Me" routine? I invented "It's Not You, It's Me"! No one tells me it's them, not me! If it's anybody, it's me!

[embarrassed] Alright, alright... George, it's you.

George

You're damn right, it's me!

I find that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.

George

Hmm. Really? Nothing?

Nothing that would indicate involuntary spasms.

George

Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it?

No, not really.

George

How so?

May I suggest the possibility that you're faking?

George

I show up. I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't have the job, by the time he comes back, I'm ensconced.

Jerry

Hmm, not bad.

George

What's the worst thing that can happen?

Jerry

Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out in shame with you tail between your legs.

George

Yeah, so?

George

[about Jodi] Jerry...this woman hates me so much...I'm starting to like her.

Jerry

What?

George Costanza

She just dislikes me so much... It's irresistible.

Jerry

I can see that.

George

I wanna know what I did to this woman.

What, you got a little thing for her?

George

No, No! She's going out with a friend of mine. It's only courteous that we should try and like each other.

What difference does it make? Who cares if she doesn't like you? Does everybody in the world have to like you?

George

Yes! Yes! Everybody has to like me. I must be liked!

Frank Costanza

Is there anything wrong with getting a receipt at a tollbooth?

I'm going upstairs.

Frank Costanza

This stack should be bigger.

Frank Costanza

Where's the TV Guide?

George

What TV Guide?

Frank Costanza

I'm missing TV Guide ... Volume 41, number 31.

Jerry

Elaine took it to read on the subway.

Frank Costanza

Elaine took it? -I didn't know she took it.

George

Well, it's two weeks old.

Frank Costanza

How could you let her take the TV Guide?!

George

He collects them.

Jerry

You collect TV Guide?

Frank Costanza

The nerve of that woman.

Frank Costanza

Walking into my house, stealing my collectibles!

Estelle

[screaming] Oh my God! [she enters holding a small packet] This was in our bed.

Frank

[taking the packet] What is this? [accusingly to George] A prophylactic wrapper?!

Estelle

What is this doing on my bed?!

George

I don't know, uh...

Jerry

I'll see you later. [leaves with unseemly haste]

Frank

You were having sex on our bed?!

George

Yes!

Estelle

Who told you you could have sex in our bed?

George

[pleading] Well, my bed is too small.

Frank

Your bed is too small? I'm gone two weeks and you turn our house into, into Bourbon Street!

Estelle

Where am I going to sleep?

George

What are you talking about?

Estelle

I can't sleep in there!

George

Of course you can.

Estelle

I can't! [screams] I can't!

Frank

That's it! You're grounded!

George

[incredulously] You can't ground me, I'm a grown man.

Frank

You wanna live here? You respect the rules of our house. YOU'RE GROUNDED!!!

Is there one aspect of the faith that you find particularly attractive?

George

I like the hats.

George

By Christmas Day, I will be Brother Costanza.

Jerry

And what does Brother Costanza plan on telling Mother Costanza?

George

Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.

[Referring to him being a marine biologist] Your parents must be so proud of you, George.

George

Oh, they're busting.

What are those people doing over there? [As they approach the group] What's going on over here?

There's a beached whale, she's dying.

Is anyone here a marine biologist?

Save the whale, George. For me.

George

[Recounting the story to Jerry and Kramer at the coffee shop] So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you, boys, I was terrified. But I pressed on! And as I made my way passed the breakers, a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things but I'm telling you, Jerry, at that moment I was a marine biologist.

Elaine

[Enters the coffee shop and sits next to George] George, I'd just been reading this thing in the paper, it's unbelievable!

George

I know, I was just telling the story.

Kramer

Well come on, George, finish the story.

George

The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.

Jerry

Mammal.

George

Whatever.

Kramer

Well, what did you do next?

George

Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me, but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.

Kramer

What is that, a Titleist?

Kramer

A hole in one, huh?

George

Is that the time? I gotta get downtown and buy that suit. The store opens in twenty minutes.

Kramer

Hey, is that Elaine mannequin still there?

George

Yeah.

Kramer

Yeah?

George

The last time I saw her... she was naked.

Jerry

Yeah, And Poppie's got problems.

George

Well, what was I supposed to do? Get out of the shower, put on my bathrobe, go all the way down to the other end, come all the way back?

Elaine

Did you ever hear about holding it in?

George

Oh no. No, that's very bad for the kidneys.

Elaine

How do you know?

George

[scoffs] Medical journals.

Jerry

Do the medical journals mention anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?