George Costanza quotes from Seinfeld

All right, let's go.

I want the magazine!

George

Umm... No.

You know what I would do to you, if I wasn't in these shackles...

George

But you are, "Blanche"! You are in the shackles. Oh, I can't wait to read my "Time" magazine! Last copy, too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow in the park! It's supposed to be a beautiful day! Have a nice life...sentence, that is!

George

Hey! How come I didn't get a Christmas card? Everybody else got one. Jerry got one, Kramer got one. I thought we were good friends. I don't get a Christmas card. I don't get it.

Elaine

You want a Christmas card? You want a Christmas card? All right here. [rubs George's head on her breasts] Here's your Christmas card.

Elaine

I don't wanna go to a miniplex multi-theater!

George

It's the same movie! What's the difference?

Elaine

It's not a theater, it's like a room where they bring in P.O.W.s to show them propaganda films.

George

Hey, you know what else is playing here? "Rochelle Rochelle."

Elaine

Ugh.

George

I wouldn't mind seeing that.

Elaine

Yeah, you know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.

George

So what's your point?

George

Aren't [postal workers] the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?

Newman

[ominously] Sometimes...

Jerry

Why is that?

Newman

Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up! It's relentless! Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out! But the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in! And then the bar code reader breaks! And it's Publisher's Clearing House day!

What are you doing?

George

What?

Did…did you just double-dip that chip?

George

Excuse me?

You double-dipped the chip!

George

Double-dipped? What are you talking about?

You dipped the chip, you took a bite, and you dipped again.

George

So?

That's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip! From now on, when you take a chip, just take one dip and end it!

George

Well, I'm sorry, Timmy...but I don't dip that way. [slowly takes a chip]

Oh, you don't, huh?

George

No. You dip the way you want to dip...[tastefully bites the chip] I'll dip the way I want to dip. [defiengly dips the chip again]

Gimme the chip! [he and George fight over the chip]

Jerry

Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing into the patient!

George

What do you mean "into the patient?"

Jerry

Into the patient, literally!

George

Into the hole?

Jerry

Yes, the hole!

George

Didn't they notice it?

Jerry

No!

George

How could they not notice it?!

Jerry

Because it's a little mint. It's a Junior Mint.

George

W-What did they do?

Jerry

They sealed him up with the mint inside.

George

They left the Junior Mint in him?

Jerry

Yes!

George

I guess it can't hurt him... People eat pounds of those things.

Jerry

They eat them, they don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity!

Jerry

It still smells.

George

How could it still smell after all that?

Jerry

I don't know.

George

Well, what are you gonna do?

Jerry

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm selling that car.

George

You're selling the car?

Jerry

You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine! Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench! And I'll take anything I can get for it.

George

Maybe I'll buy it.

Jerry

Are you crazy? Don't you understand what I'm saying to you? This isn't just an odor! You need a priest to get rid of this thing!

Elaine

I still smell.

Jerry

You see? You see what I'm saying to you? It's a presence! It's the beast!

Kramer

I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.

George

He's right! It's the same thing with the feminists. You know, they want everything to be equal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they?

Elaine

What's that supposed to mean?

George

I don't even like Drake.

Jerry

You don't like The Drake?

George

I hate The Drake.

Elaine

I love The Drake!

Jerry

How could you not like The Drake?

George

Who's The Drake?

Elaine

Who's The Drake?!

Jerry

The Drake is good!

Jerry

Again with the sweat pants?

George

What? I'm comfortable.

Jerry

You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world: "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable."

George

He took a biopsy, Jerry, a biopsy!

Jerry

What'd he say?

George

He said he didn't know what it was.

Jerry

All right, so?

George

When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get out of here". That's what I wanted to hear. "Cancer? Get out of here!"

Jerry

Maybe he doesn't have a "get out of here" kind of personality.

George

How could you be a doctor and not say "get out of here"? It should be part of the training in medical school. "Cancer? Get out of here! Go home! What are you, crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut, you know that?" Told you God would never let me be successful. I never should have written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead, Jerry. Because of this.

Jerry

Can't you at least die with a little dignity?

George

No, I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I've lived my whole life in shame! Why should I die with dignity?

George

Listen, I know we've had our problems in the past, but we've got a show to do tonight. Pull together as a team. Life's too short. I say let's let bygones be bygones. If you took the raisins, if you didn't take the raisins. They weren't even my raisins. I was just curious because it seems like a strange thing to do, to walk into a room, audition, and walk out with a box of raisins. Anyway, whatever. If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office is always open. In the event that I get an office. You'll come in, we'll talk about the raisins, have a nice laugh.

How'd you like it if I just pulled your heart out of your chest right now and shoved it down your throat?

George

You faked?

Elaine

On occasion.

Jerry

And the guy never knows?

Elaine

No.

Jerry

How can he not know that?

Elaine

Because I was gooood.

Jerry

I guess after that many beers he'd be pretty groggy anyway.

Elaine

[chuckles] You didn't know.

Jerry

You faked with me?

Elaine

Yeah.

Jerry

No.

Elaine

Yeah.

Jerry

You faked it?

Elaine

I faked it.

Jerry

The whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?

Elaine

Not bad, huh?

Jerry

What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming?

Elaine

Fake, fake, fake, fake.

Estelle

Maybe you should take a civil service test.

George

I’m not taking a civil service test.

Frank

Look at this, George. [Pulls a coin out of his pocket] Have you ever seen a silver dollar?

George

Yes, I’ve seen a silver dollar.

Estelle

Why don’t you want to take a civil service test?

George

To do what? Work in the post office? Is that what you want me to do?

Frank

Can you believe when I was eighteen, I had a ssssilver dollar collection?

Estelle

You get job security; you get a paycheck every week..

George

I’m a college graduate, you want me to be a mailman?

Frank

You know, I could never bring myself to spend one of these. I had some kind of uhhhhh, phobia.

Estelle

So what are you gonna do?

George

I don’t know. I do know that I have some kind of a talent, something to offer. I just don’t know what it is yet.

Frank

I bet that collection would be worth a lot of money today. [Does a slight of hand trick and George looks annoyed]

George

[On the verge of tears] Oh my god..

Frank

I don’t like this waiter. [Holds his hand up and snaps his fingers trying to get the waiters attention] Look at him. He sees us. Doesn’t wanna come over.

George

I need some air.. [Gets up from the table and starts walking away]

Estelle

George, where are you going?

George

[Looks back] I got a lot of thinking to do.