George Costanza quotes from Seinfeld

George

A guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's a signal?

Elaine

Yeah, it's a social thing.

George

What if he left you a used Kleenex? What's that, a valentine?

Jerry

She lives with her parents.

George

Really? Maybe this will become like a cool thing, living with your parents.

Jerry

Yeah, then maybe baldness will catch on.

George

I'm trying to get out of this Big Brother program. So when you get to Paris (handing Morty the postcards) all you have to do is drop 'em in any mailbox.

Morty

But there are no stamps on these.

George

Well no not yet, you gotta buy french stamps (pauses) I-I'll reimburse you of course.

Helen

Why are you doing this?

Jerry

He wants this guy to think he's in Paris.

Helen

Why?

Jerry

Because George is a deeply disturbed individual.

George

What looked like pushing...what looked like knocking down...was a safety precaution! In a fire, you stay close to the ground, am I right? And when I ran out that door, I was not leaving anyone behind! Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my life making sure that exit was clear. Any other questions?

How do you live with yourself?

George

It's not easy.

George

Do women know about "shrinkage"?

Elaine

What do you mean, like laundry?

George

No...

Jerry

Like when a man goes swimming...afterwards...

Elaine

[figures it out, gives a look of surprise, then confusion] It shrinks?

Jerry

Like a frightened turtle!

Elaine

Why does it shrink?

George

[growing despondent] It just does.

Elaine

...I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.

George

Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's all been wrong.

Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.

George

Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of tuna on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted ... with a side of potato salad ... and a cup of tea!

Elaine

Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.

Jerry

You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, because salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.

George

[sarcastically] Good for the tuna.

Elaine

[a blonde looks at George] Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.

George

So what? What am I supposed to do?

Elaine

Go talk to her.

George

Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.

Jerry

Well, here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.

George

Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.

Jerry

If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.

George

Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something! [He goes over to the woman] Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.

Oh, yes I was. You just ordered the exact same lunch as me.

George

[Takes a deep breath] My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

[smiles] I'm Victoria. Hi.

Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He's one of the applicants.

George Steinbrenner

Nice to meet you.

Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect I find it hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past 20 years, you have caused myself and the city of New York a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduce them to a laughingstock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.

George Steinbrenner

Hire this man!!

George

So did you enjoy your lunch?

Elaine

Yeah, A big salad. Very good. Actually it was too big. Ha ha ha. What?

George

Oh, because she handed you the bag. I could have handed you the bag. She happened to pick it up at the restaurant even though...

Elaine

Even though what?

George

No, it's just you thanked HER, and and oh, what's the difference?

Elaine

What? What are you trying to say, George?

George

It's just that I was the one who actually paid for the big salad. She just happened to hand it to you. But it's no big deal.

Elaine

You want the money for the big salad, George?

George

No, no.

Elaine

What is the problem?

George

There is no problem... just a small miscommunication. Whereby you thanked her instead of the person actually responsible for purchasing the big salad.

George

Did you just see what happened here? Did you see the way she pointed at the check? She gave me the finger!

Jerry

That's how waitress-types express derision. They don't want to get their mouths dirty.

George

If it's not about sports, I find it very hard to concentrate.

Jerry

You're not very bright, are you?

George

No I'm not. I would like to be, but I'm not.

Jerry

You're in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle. So you think to yourself, "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

George

No, no, no, no, no. It was not trash.

Jerry

Was it in the trash?

George

Yes.

Jerry

Then it was trash.

George

It wasn't down in; it was sort of on top.

Jerry

But it was in the cylinder.

George

Above the rim.

Jerry

Adjacent to refuse, is refuse.

George

It was on a magazine, and it still had the doily on.

Jerry

Was it eaten?

George

One little bite.

Jerry

Well, that's garbage.

Jerry

So, you just pretended it didn't bother you?

George

What is that, 'boyfriend'? I don't understand that. What, what does she think I asked her out for?

Jerry

Boy, it's the way they just slip that in there, too.

George

Yeah, like it's just part of the conversation. 'Oh, my boyfriend really likes watches. He's a real watch freak.' Well, that's fabulous.

Jerry

Well, let me ask you this. What exactly did you say when you asked her out?

George

I said, 'Would you like to go for a walk or something?'

Jerry

Oh, a walk, well...

George

Or something. I said, 'Or something'!

Jerry

Or something. Yeah, that's a date.

George

There you go!

Jerry

You know, there is always the possibility that she called an audible.

George

What do you mean?

Jerry

Well, she got up to the line of scrimmage, didn't like the looks of the defense and changed the play.

George

I think things were going okay. We were having a nice conversation.

Jerry

Uh huh.

George

I mentioned how I liked horse manure.

Jerry

You did?

George

Yeah.

Jerry

Yeah. You said you liked horse manure.

George

Yeah. You know, about how when you break it down, it's really a very positive thing. You know, you have a 'newer,' with a 'ma' in front of it. MA-NURE. It's not bad.

Jerry

And it was around this point that she mentioned the boyfriend?

George

Yeah. Oh, you think because of what I said about the manure. I was just saying how it takes a negative thing, and puts a positive spin on it.

Jerry

I'm just saying there's a chance she may not have been enamored with your thoughts and feelings on manure.

George

So you don't think she really has a boyfriend?

Jerry

My honest opinion, I think she made it up.

Jerry

Hey! Did you get the Volvo?

George

No, I decided to go with an '89 LeBaron.

Elaine

A LeBaron?

Jerry

I thought Consumer said Volvo was the car?

George

What Consumer? I'm the consumer.

Jerry

Alright. Seems like... a strange choice.

George

Well, maybe so... but it was good enough for Mr. Jon Voight.

Elaine

Jon Voight? The actor?

George

That's right. He just happened to be the previous owner of the vehicle.

Jerry

You bought a car because it belonged to Jon Voight?

George

No, no...

Jerry

I think yes, yes. You like the idea of telling people you're driving Jon Voight's car.

Jerry

You got no waist in that thing.

George

And your arms look like something in a kosher deli.

George

Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch? In the Middle Ages you could get locked up for even suggesting it!

Jerry

They did not have roommates in the middle ages!

George

Well, I'm sure at some point between the years 800 and 1200, somewhere, there were two women living together.

Jerry

The point is I intend to undertake this. And I'll do it with or without you. So if you're scared, if you haven't got the stomach for this, let's get it out right now! And I'll go on my own. If not, you can get on board and we can get to work! Now what's it going to be?

George

Alright, dammit, I'm in.