George Costanza quotes from Seinfeld

George

What kind of hair?

Jerry

You know: long, dark hair.

George

Flowing?

Jerry

Flowing?

George

Is it flowing? I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick, lustrous hair is very important to me.

Jerry

"Thick, lustrous hair is very important to me." Is that what you said?

George

Yeah, that's right.

Jerry

Just clarifying.

George

Let me ask you this. If you stick your hand in the hair is it easy to get it out?

Jerry

Do you want to be able to get it out or do you want to not be able to get it out?

George

I'd like to be able to get it out.

Jerry

I think you'll get it out.

George

What about the skin? I need a good cheek, I like a good cheek.

Jerry

She's got a fine cheek.

George

Is there a pinkish hue?

Jerry

A pinkish hue?

George

Yeah, a rosy glow.

Jerry

There's a hue. She's got great eyebrows; women kill to have her eyebrows.

George

Who cares about eyebrows?

Kramer

[Answers Jerry's phone] Yello? What-delay Industries?

George

[in the bathroom] VANDELAY! SAY VANDELAY!

Kramer

[Elaine tries to interrupt Kramer, but he keeps ignoring her] No, you're way, way off! Well, yeah, that's the right number, but this is an APARTMENT!

George

VANDELAY! SAY- [Falls down next to Kramer] SAY VANDELAY INDUSTRIES!

Kramer

Yeah, no problem. No problem. [Hangs up and looks at George, who is lying despondently on the floor] How did you know who they wanted?

Jerry

And you want to be my latex salesman...

George

Magellan? You like Magellan?

Jerry

Oh yeah, my favorite explorer. Around the world? Come on. Why, who do you like?

George

De Soto.

Jerry

De Soto, why De Soto?

George

He discovered the Mississippi.

Jerry

Oh, like they wouldn't have found that anyway!

George

Did you see the way she was looking at me?

Jerry

She's a Nazi, George, a Nazi!

George

Kind of a cute Nazi, though.

What was that you said about the myth of the Holocaust?

George

Oh, I said so many things. I- [a loud blast is heard] They're shooting! They're shooting!

George

I said 'God bless you'. Was that so wrong?

Jerry

The question is, did you allow a space for the husband to come in with his 'God bless you'? Because as the husband, he has the right to first refusal.

Elaine

It's me.

Jerry

Come on up.

George

Yes, yes, I definitely waited. But let me say this: Once he passes on that option, that 'God bless you' is up for grabs.

Jerry

No argument. Unless, she's one of these multiple sneezers, and he's holding his 'God bless you' in abeyance, until she completes the series.

George

Well I don't think she is a multiple sneezer, because she sneezed again later, and it was also a single.

Jerry

What if she's having an off night?

George

I don't get art.

Jerry

There's nothing to get.

George

No, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation.

George

All bald people look good in hats.

Elaine

You should have lived in the twenties and thirties. You know, men wore hats all the time then.

George

What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.

Kramer

Do you ever yearn?

George

Yearn? Do I yearn?

Kramer

I yearn.

George

You yearn?

Kramer

Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often I sit... and yearn. Have you yearned?

George

Well, not recently. I've craved. Constant craving. But I haven't yearned.

George

I dress by mood.

Jerry

And what mood is this?

George

This is Morning Mist.

Jerry

[trying to make a phone call] I don't have any change. You've got any change?

George

No, I don't have any change. I never carry change.

Jerry

Well, we need change and all I have is twenties.

George

I have a ten.

Jerry

So, break it.

George

I hate asking for change. They always make a face. Like I'm asking them to donate a kidney.

Jerry

So, buy something.

George

What?

Jerry

I don't know, some mints or TicTacs.

George

Breath problem?

Jerry

No, I just want some change.

Jerry

So Kramer, what are you going to do?

Kramer

Do? Do? Hey, I'm doing what I do. You know, I've always done what I do. I'm doing what I do, way I've always done and the way I'll always do it.

George

Kramer, what the hell are you talking about?

Kramer

What do you want me to say? That the things haven't worked out the way that I planned? That I'm struggling, barely able to keep my head above water? That L.A. is a cold place even in the middle of the summer? That it's a lonely place even when your stuck in traffic at the Hollywood Freeway? That I'm no better than a screenwriter driving a cab, a starlet turning tricks, a producer in a house he can't afford? Is that what you want me to say?

George

I'd like to hear that.

Jerry

Yeah...

Kramer

Well, I'm not saying that! You know, things are going pretty well for me here. I met a girl...

Jerry

Kramer, she was murdered!

Kramer

Yeah, well I wasn't looking for a long term relationship. I was on TV.

George

As a suspect in a serial killing.

Kramer

OK, yeah, you guys got to put a negative spin on everything.

Jerry

He's a bubble boy!

George

A bubble boy?!

Jerry

Yes. A bubble boy.

Susan

What's a bubble boy?

Jerry

He lives in a bubble.

George

Boy.

George

Hey, what are you doing tonight?

Jerry

Dating Marla.

George

Oh, the virgin?

Jerry

Yeah.

George

Any, uh...progress, there? What's the latest?

Jerry

Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.

Elaine

What're you looking at?

Jerry

There's a naked woman across the street.

Elaine

[chuckling] This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. So, my friend, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight.

Jerry

Yeah...the - the waitress should've taken it back.

Elaine

So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars.

Jerry

Uh-huh.

George

Have a good time.