Jerry Seinfeld quotes from Seinfeld

Jerry

I've been outed. I wasn't even in!

Jerry

Everyone thinks we're gay!... Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Jerry

He's a male bimbo... He's a mimbo!

Jerry

See, the key to eating a black-and-white cookie, Elaine... is you wanna get some black and some white in each bite. Nothing mixes better than vanilla and chocolate. And yet still somehow, racial harmony eludes us. If people would only look to the cookie... all our problems would be solved.

Jerry

"Cash advance"? Yes... no. "Balance inquiry"? No. "Receipt"? No. Processing... processing... processing. [to the person next to him] I win!

Jerry

A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.

Jerry

[during stand-up] To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there...you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it...you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual?

Jerry

Oh, it's "Risk." It's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.

Jerry

You think I want another family? My father's demanding my uncle pay interest on fifty dollars he was supposed to give my mother in 1941 and my uncle put my nana in a home to try and shut her up! And I'll tell you another thing, Cosmo Kramer, whatever you wanna be called. The kissing thing is over. There's no more kissing, and I don't care what the consequences are. [Suddenly, Kramer grabs Jerry, pulls him in and kisses him full on the mouth. George half-enters. Kramer releases Jerry, who stares at him in shock. George stands in the doorway and looks between Jerry and Kramer without saying a word. He has a "Well, what do you know?" expression on his face. He slowly backs out of the doorway and closes it behind him]

Jerry

Gum is one of the weirdest human inventions. It's not a liquid. It's not a solid. It's not a food. What is it? It isn't really anything. You know, I mean, it's like a stationary bike for your jaw. Remember when you were in school, and teachers would get all riled up if they caught you with gum? When you're a kid, you think, "What is the big deal?" But as an adult, I can understand it because when you're chewing gum you don't look like you're too thrilled with anything anybody has to say.

Jerry

I'm telling you right now, Elaine, this guy's gonna dangle that dress in front of you like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule.

Jerry

I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME!

Jerry

[reading the latest Ziggy comic] "The New Yorker's stealing my jokes". Ha, now that's funny... because it's true.

Jerry

[to audience] Oh, hello. Nine years: seems like a long time, doesn't it? It is, and we've packed a lot in the four of us. It seems like every week a whole new set of problems would just crop up outta nowhere... except for summer where nothing seemed to happen for months at a time.

George

All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign.

Jerry

Right.

George

You know, anything in the, in the lip area is good.

Jerry

Lip area.

George

You know, a hug: definitely good.

Jerry

Hug is definitely good.

George

Sure.

Jerry

Although what if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart?

George

That's so brutal, I hate that.

Jerry

You know how they do that?

George

That's why, you know, a shake is bad.

Jerry

Shake is bad, but what if it's the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes?

George

Hand sandwich.

Jerry

Right.

George

I see. Well, that's open to interpretation. Because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes...