Buffer quotes from Sea Patrol

ET

[Grabs a fish Buffer had picked up.] Oh! Buffer! You kiss me! Kiss me!

Buffer

Unlike some of us, ET, I’ve got standards.

Chefo

I reckon that Buffer’s a one-fish kind of guy.

Buffer

Righto, you lot! I want these uppers clear for a freshwater washdown! Spider, you’re in charge!

Spider

Yes, Buff!

Spider

That storm in the night sure made a mess. You ever seen it blow as big, ET?

ET

Mate, I slept like a baby. Didn’t feel a thing. Don't know what you’re talking about.

Spider

You're pulling my chain, right? The waves were massive. They were at least 20 metres.

Chefo

20 metres, hey, Spide? You sure you weren’t asleep too?

RO

Squid for breakfast! [He throws a squid down.] Looks like we did some illegal fishing in that storm.

Spider

[Laughs.] You were saying?

RO

I believe you, Spider. How else did we get all this seafood up here?

Chefo

Alright. I’m taking bets to see how many rounds it’ll take. My money’s on a single shot.

Spider

One shot for me.

Chefo

Trust the Spider.

Nav

I vote for three. I think you boys might miss the first couple.

Chefo

Whoo. Nav doesn’t think much of our gunnery skills.

Mike

Let’s focus on the job at hand.

Nav

Sorry, boss.

Mike

If the navy permitted a wager... I’d bet on two rounds of the 50-cal.

Buffer

I’m with you, sir.

Spider

Do you know what she’s talking about, Buff?

Buffer

[Behind his hand.] I have no idea, but I sure do like the cut of her jib.

Kate

Hello, sailors. How are you both feeling?

Spider

Oh, much better, thank you, ma’am.

Buffer

X, I am so hungry, I could eat the sleep out of a cow’s eye.

ET

Well, that’s good, mate, ‘cause I think Chefo just ordered for you.

Chefo

That’s right. I’ve got crabs if you boys want ‘em. That’s not what I meant. That is... I’m out of here.

Spider

How are we gonna get him back?

Buffer

Sir will just ask nice and polite and they’ll send him over on a line.

Chefo

And if Spicy Donger says no, we storm the boat and tear their heads off.

Spider

Buff, look.

Buffer

They’ve got him in hotpants.

Chefo

They’ll pay. Oh, they’ll pay big time.

Swain

[Holding an ultrasound picture.] Hey, what do you reckon?

Buffer

Definitely looks like a peanut, Swaino.

Buffer

Misty found my conversation inspiring.

Swain

Misty? [He grabs the piece of paper Buffer is holding.] Misty was that blonde you were talking to at the bar last night?

Charge

Name like ‘Misty’, she’s either a stripper or a whale-watcher.

Swain

Or both.

Charge

Possibly both.

Buffer

Hey, hey, I finally get a woman interested and I’m gonna die inhaling some deadly toxin.

Charge

Toxin, perfume – same result.

Buffer

Yeah, I’d like to see how these guys handle this toxin when I feed it to them.

Swain

Oh, gentlemen, company.

Uh, hi. I agree with you completely. [Sticking out her hand.] Martina.

Buffer

Buffer. Peter.

Charge

[Clears his throat.] You’ll have to excuse us, Martina. Peter’s watch is about to start, and I need to give my boys some information.

Understood. We’re relying on you boys to find this ship.

Swain

Oh, ma’am, if anyone can sniff it out, it’s the CO.

[Picking up Buffer’s email.] Oh, uh, I look forward to hearing some of your inspiring conversation.

Buffer

Ma’am.

Swain

Must be your pheromones, mate.

Buffer

What?

Swain

Exactly.

Buffer

Nice of you to join us, Spider. Hurry up and get your antiflash gear on. Chefo can’t operate that 50-cal in his own.

Spider

Sorry, Buff!

Chefo

You heard the man! Smurf up!

Buffer

Ma’am.

Just wanted to thank you for looking after me.

Buffer

Well, you didn’t need much looking after, ma’am. You handled those seas like a veteran.

Well, um, thanks, anyway.

Buffer

No trouble.

Well, take care.

Buffer

Yeah, you too.

Buffer

Ma’am? [She stops.] Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Yeah, that would be great. Um, how about Wednesday?

Buffer

Wednesday’s good.

Great, well, I’ll give you my card.

Buffer

Thank you. May I escort you off the ship?

Sure.

Nav

ET's being posted with us?

Mike

Good to have the old gang back together, wouldn't you say?

Charge

Wooh-hoo-hoo! It's the creature from the deep.

ET

I heard you fellas couldn't deal without me.

Buffer

Yeah right.

Swain

It's good to see you again mate.

ET

It's good to be here.

Spider

Ma’am. Put down the weapon. I mean it ma’am. Put the weapon down.

Spider

Now, step away from the cauliflower.

Buffer

It’s a broccoli, you idiot.

Buffer

I thought the Charge was stabbed. Did he hit his head as well?

Kate

He's doing Tai Chi.

Buffer

Yeah, yeah, and if it was you, I wouldn't be asking. But it's the Charge!

Buffer

It's a great to hear your voice, sir. Any advice would be highly appreciated.

Mike

Buffer, it's a time for a Graunch boarding.

Kate

[To Swain.] Tell me he didn't say "Graunch"!

Swain

I think he did, ma'am.

Buffer

Sir, you are a mad man. It's a pleasure to serve under you. Wish us luck. Over.

ET

Man, this smell’s knocking me out.

Buffer

It smells ‘a-trochus’.

ET

Mate, that joke’s ‘a-trochus’.

Kate

What I need is a card that says 'Why is there a man in a barrel?'

Buffer

Can't help you there.