Scrubs · Season 1
Hi, I'm trying to keep non-medical personnel from coming back here. I'm the chief of medicine.
I'm the chief of slag-smacking, so I'd keep moving if I were you.
That's very clever.
Being clever's not how I got the job; smacking slags is.
[To Denise] I need you to connect with your patients, okay? If they need some sympathy, dig down in your soul and find some.
Yo, Mr. Harris! Sucks you'll never walk again.
Hell yeah, it does!
Better, right?
No, no, Jo. He... he lost his feet.
I know what you guys are trying to do; I just can't get over the fact that one minute I'm here and the next, I'm not?
[voiceover:] And that's when Turk and I told George how we really felt. [aloud:] George, I'm terrified of dying.
Me, too.
Then why'd you lie?
We fight death for a living every single day. We can't let it know we're afraid of it or it'll kick our ass.
[voiceover:] Maybe, in the end, all you can really hope for is that your last thought is a nice one. Even if it's just about the taste of an ice-cold beer.
It's like all of a sudden this hospital is a police state!
The next thing you know, they're gonna be charging doctors for candy at the gift shop!
They do charge doctors for candy at the gift shop, Elliot.
Really? Then why does Johann always let me...
Because he wants to make you his wife and bring you back to Estonia.
Ah, that's why he's always asking me if I'm comfortable around oxen.
You know what's really driving me crazy? You keep acting like you know me.
Don't bother with the sob story. I've been here a long time, I've heard it all before.
Really? Because my dad died when I was six. And to cope, my mom drank herself through most of my childhood. No one ever did anything for me. I've always had to do it for myself.
[in a sympathetic tone] Oh, Katie...
[choking up] I know.
[suddenly harsh] Heard it! Me? Dead mom. J.D? Dead dad. Elliot? Emotionally abusive parents. Dr. Cox? Emotionally and physically abusive dead parents which he may have killed, no one's sure.
[voiceover] Ted finally said what we were all thinking.
[to Kelso] Why are you spending your retirement hanging around the place you used to work? It's so sad. By comparison, it almost makes my life seem... [pause] Aw! Still sad!
The point is, Elliot. You're a lot stronger than you used to be. I've changed, too... I have a beard now.
How about you? Do you still let that inner-voice of yours control you?
[inner-voice] This is getting too serious! Kick her! Kick her in the head! [out loud] Not as much.
I grew up on the street... No, not the hood. The Sesame Street.
Dude, have you been having fantasies about Muppets all day too?
No, but I'm straight.
That's just un-called for.
Excuse me? Dr. Kelso, isn't it? I'm Jordan Sullivan.
What are you doing?
I'm introducing myself, because clearly anyone who would convince Perry not to take the Chief job has never met me.
That pansy-assed little tattletale!
Bob, so help me God, you fix this or I will grab you by your muffin top and stomp on your withering man-parts until your eyes pop out!
Twenty years ago I would have thrown you on this table and made love to you right here.
And I would have loved it!
So this is what fear feels like. It's kind of like being drunk, only in a very sad way. You're just lovin' watchin' me fall apart like this, huh?
More than comfy shoes and a warm place to crap. But you're gonna take this job. Partly because you were meant to do it, but mostly because if you don't I will always remind you that you are a sackless little fraidy-cat.
Why the hell'd you try to talk me out of it?
I had to tell you the truth to prepare you. If I'd fluffed it up, you would've tortured me forever.
So you actually think I'm the man for the job?
Who the hell do you think recommended you?
Thank you.
You're welcome.
[The two men sit in silence for a few moments; Dr. Cox realizes something and groans.]
Oh, God, no.
What?
You don't really think we're becoming friends, do you?
[Realizes] Good Lord, I hope not.
[Janitor walks into Dr. Cox's new office with a framed picture]
What the hell is that?
Some stupid gift from the board. It's a photo of Sacred Heart when it first opened in 1884.
There's a hybrid in the parking-lot.
I might have the date wrong. So, where do you want me to hang it?
Somebody else's office?
Are you trying to stop me from doing my job? How would you feel if I tried to stop you from taking patients' wallets after they died?
Doctors don't do that.
[smiles and winks] Look at you — sticking with the plan!
[Dr. Kelso walks into Dr. Cox's office as Dr. Cox is holding a photo against the wall]
So that's what a Chief of Medicine does!
Oh now, what's with the lab coat, Bob?
Ah, the old gal down in the pharmacy doesn't know that I've retired, so she still hooks me up with free morning-after pills.
Janice, you have one ugly baby, seriously.
[to Dr. Cox] Did you actually teach your son to be mean to a baby?
Not just any baby but your baby.
[Jack runs to Dr Cox and is scooped up]
Come on, Jackie boy, we're going to get 10,000 jelly beans. I love you so much. [walks off with Jack]
[Sam looks upset]
[to Sam] They can be so hurtful.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Scrubs pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
