Scrubs · Season 1
Listen up, faces. In order to save us all some time, I will call all the males "Daves" and all the females "Debbies".
[excitedly] Debbie is actually my name!
Then out of fairness to the others, you will be "Slagathor". Daves, Debbies, Slagathor, I will be in my office. If you need anything, feel free to bother Dorian.
Even though no one ever comes, every time I hit this nurse's button, I feel a bit better.
That's morphine.
That explains it.
Let's just say that around here, I'm not as loved as your Sargent Borden.
We hated Sgt. Borden.
Come again?
Yeah, he demeaned us, overworked us... Still, maybe sometimes that's what being a good leader is. Uniting everyone by giving 'em someone to hate.
In life, it seems we all have a role to play. Some of us are meant to be loved... and some of us, unfortunately, are meant to be hated.
Goodnight, minions. Slagathor.
But Dr. Kelso wouldn't have it any other way.
You've been wrong so many times that I'm not even going to say something is wrong anymore. I'm going to say that it's "Dorian".
Gandhi, did you tell Jordan what I said about her wanting to cuddle? She doesn't like people to know that she actually cares for me!
Relax, she's pregnant, what could she possibly do?
[Jack runs up to Dr. Cox]
Man check!
[Jack punches Dr. Cox in the crotch and he falls to the floor in pain]
Good boy, Jack, good boy!
He can't possibly make this my fault, right?
Dorian. Dammit, now I'm doing it! [Stepping over Dr. Cox] Careful, he's gone fetal.
My name is Bob Kelso, and I like whores. [pauses while the group stares] Now, why don't I introduce myself like that? Because there is a time and a place for the truth. Take Dorian's intern Brendan, for example. He told his patient that it was the first time he was performing a spinal tap. And what did the patient do, doctor?
Well, uh, she started to hyperventilate, and then she reached for a hit of what she thought was an oxygen tank. It turned out to be a helium container from pediatrics. Then she screamed [in a high falsetto] "I'll kill you bitches!", which, frankly, we all thought was hilarious.
Oh, indeed it was. But you know what wasn't? When she ran for the door, tripped and fell, and broke her femur. Now she's suing the hospital. And since Ted is our lawyer, what's going to happen?
Girlfriend's gonna get paid.
You have to help J.D.
Any other day, I'd just say no, but today, I'm gonna go ahead and say... no.
Elliot, you can't test love. When I met Turk, it seemed he was more in love with his best friend than with me.
Honey, they've got that almond biscotti J.D. loves, so I was wondering if I can borrow some money so I can get him some.
No, you got him a present yesterday.
[about his physical therapist] Why don't you just ask her out?
Expertly flirting is one thing, but I just got out of a serious relationship. Plus, I'm a tent-dwelling poop-fainter who can't drive.
I have a fiberglass skull.
It's always gotta be a competition with you, doesn't it?
[voiceover] Suddenly, all of our memories of the last six years came flooding back, like a clip show in some sitcom too lazy to come up with a fresh story.
Wow, it has been an amazing six years. I wouldn't change any of it, would you guys?
I'd damn sure change this moment, and any other moment that was even remotely like this moment. [leaves]
Hey, Turk...
I'm not giving you a hug.
[narration] I hate this place.
I mean, what the hell? If I wanted my patients to be more depressed I'd just have them read Newbie's latest blog entry.
"Why being really lonely is sometimes super awesome."
Look, man, we all have those bleak moments where we swear we'll never bounce back. Like when I was seventeen, my mom walked in my room with a look that I had never seen. She said, "it's over Turk... Michael Jordan's career is over."
Is anyone a bigger idiot than you?
Is he the Black golfer?
Hey Grandpa, a little help.
Here you go, sport. But call me "Grandpa" again and you and I are going to play a little game called "hide the wingtip". There may be a generational gap here, I'll explain. The wingtip is my shoe, the hiding place is your ass.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Scrubs pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
