Carla Espinosa quotes from Scrubs

Carla

I'm having a weird pregnancy craving. Hey, J.D., if you go out, would you get me a hot Italian sausage?

The Todd

I've got a hot Italian sausage for you, right here!

The Todd

People think I just walk into these situations, but it's really a lot of hard work. You know what else is hard? ...I should go.

J.D.

I think I may vomit.

Carla

Now Dr. Cox needs our help getting through this. Jordan can watch him in the morning and at night, but she's got Jack, plus... she's not that emotionally available.

Jordan

[cheerfully] I'm dead inside!

Carla

Remember when I first started dating Turk and I wanted to bail on him because he cried at the end of sex?

Turk

[alarmed] Baby!

J.D.

[to Turk] Relax, Brown Bear, there's no shame in cry-maxing.

Carla

I could give you a whole list of things that suck about being pregnant. For example, I am now horny as I've ever been, and my husband is repulsed by me.

Turk

Baby, if you really need it that badly, I will suck it up, close my eyes so tight, and then do you.

Carla

Thank you for the sacrifice.

Turk

It's because I love you.

Carla

Elliot, you can't test love. When I met Turk, it seemed he was more in love with his best friend than with me.

Turk

Honey, they've got that almond biscotti J.D. loves, so I was wondering if I can borrow some money so I can get him some.

Carla

No, you got him a present yesterday.

Dr. Kelso

What are you thinking, Ted?

Ted

[voiceover] I could jam this [knife] through the soft spot on his temple, then slit my wrists with it before anyone got in to stop me... [to Kelso] The usual, sir.

Dr. Kelso

Well, you'd never do it; you don't have the guts.

Carla

If it's okay with you, we'll take that raise now.

Dr. Kelso

Okay, but in this little fantasy of yours, can I not have prostate problems any more? I can't sleep more than 40 minutes without needing to take a whiz...

Carla

Unfortunately for you, someone left this invoice for the hospital needles on my desk. And they're really undercharging you! So, either you shell out the extra 20 grand a month for our raises, or we call the needle company and it'll cost you twice that.

Dr. Kelso

[angrily] Ted, are you responsible for this?

Ted

[expressionless] Please, sir. I don't have the guts. [voiceover, deliriously happy] Oh yeah! Suck it bitch! I will murder you!

[to his girlfriend Lady] I think it's time you learned the real me. Here we go. I'm not... like normal people. I don't have superpowers, but I'm working on it. For instance, watch me move this pen. [stares at pen; it doesn't move] It worked at home. I don't know. Maybe my table's slanted. Uh, anyway. Um, in my spare time, I also enjoy stuffing animals. Usually with other animals. For instance, a badger will hold five squirrels. A squirrel will hold most of a cat. A mouse will hold a shrew and a vole. You get it... the circle of life. I have broken the sound barrier, but you must never ask me how. I don't believe in the moon. I think it's just the back of the sun.

Kelso

Ha! I love a good trainwreck! [Carla goes to interfere]

Furthermore, I think if you look closely enough at a...

Carla

Stop it you! She doesn't know you're joking.

No, I'm...

Oh, he's... he's joking? [Carla nods] Oh thank God.

Turk

Like them. I bet you that in two weeks they will be back together.

Carla

Do you think so? Some people are not going to like that.

Carla

Janitor, are you familiar with the term "delusions of grandeur"?

I believe I coined that term.

You know what's really driving me crazy? You keep acting like you know me.

Carla

Don't bother with the sob story. I've been here a long time, I've heard it all before.

Really? Because my dad died when I was six. And to cope, my mom drank herself through most of my childhood. No one ever did anything for me. I've always had to do it for myself.

Carla

[in a sympathetic tone] Oh, Katie...

[choking up] I know.

Carla

[suddenly harsh] Heard it! Me? Dead mom. J.D? Dead dad. Elliot? Emotionally abusive parents. Dr. Cox? Emotionally and physically abusive dead parents which he may have killed, no one's sure.

What the hell is that?

Some stupid gift from the board. It's a photo of Sacred Heart when it first opened in 1884.

Carla

There's a hybrid in the parking-lot.

I might have the date wrong. So, where do you want me to hang it?

Somebody else's office?

Are you trying to stop me from doing my job? How would you feel if I tried to stop you from taking patients' wallets after they died?

Doctors don't do that.

[smiles and winks] Look at you — sticking with the plan!

Carla

So, how was your honeymoon? Did you know Kelso stayed in the Bahamas too?

I love you.

Dr. Kelso

I love you too. Let's never leave.

[uncomfortable] Yeah, we saw him...

Dr. Kelso

Yeah, I'm sorry. I was so blitzed on rum drinks I didn't know where I was. I feel horrible.

Oh, no, stop it. At first, you were like the third wheel from hell, but then we made you do stuff. Made you pay for our meals, got you in a couple bar fights... On the beach, we bet you you couldn't eat a starfish.

Dr. Kelso

And?

I owe you a buck.

Carla

I'm just saying, the only time you guys haven't been together was our honeymoon.

Carla

What?

J.D.

It's time.

Turk

No!

J.D.

Yes!

Turk

Fine. Honey, uh, J.D. and I were together during our honeymoon. He flew in and stayed in the bungalow by the pool.

J.D.

He forgot his favorite lotion! Was I supposed to let him get ashey?

J.D.

Is Hooch still crazy?

Carla

He's gotten worse.