JS Judge Samuels
Would the defendant like to make a closing statement?
[irritated] Yes, I would! Your honour, I’m not a baby-sitter. I’m paid to teach math, and that is what I do. Yes, I could be more sensitive, but let’s face it: The world is full of people like me. People who choose favourites. People who don’t accept excuses. People who are ‘Unfair’. Well, life is unfair and I’m just helping my students to get used to that.
JS Judge Samuels
Mr. Rothwell, just one last question: Do you intend to teach high school for the rest of your life?
[scoffs] Are you kidding? I’m just doing this until I can start up my own software company.
JS Judge Samuels
Thank you. Well, I will return with my decision and a fresh cup of cocoa.
Wait a second, how can being sentenced to teaching high school be sufficient punishment?
Because it’s the worst thing Mr. Rothwell can imagine.
But now kids are going to be stuck with him, year after year!
Well, whether he means to or not, he teaches a valuable lesson.
Some people are just jerks?
Yes, but if you study hard and you don’t let him get to you, you will pass algebra and then you can forget it. But he’s trapped in math forever .
So he did get his just desserts...
M-hm. And now, I think we should get frozen desserts.
[Salem lies on the windowsill, sighing heavily]
Poor Salem. Are you going to be okay?
I guess... with time... No ...!
Don’t worry, you’ll be happy again soon.
Please ! Shelly was the love of my life! What would ever replace her in my heart?
[Sabrina conjures up...]
A GIANT BALL OF YARN ?! [leaps onto it] OH, THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER!
[smiles] I thought you’d like it.
Like it?! I don’t even remember her name!
...So then, Jenny’s dad landed on Park Place, and to pay the rent he had to borrow money from her little brother. It was super-funny.
My family can’t play board games, not since the Pictionary incident. [Jenny and Sabrina look him questioningly] I still can’t talk about it...
Hi, kitten! I just made tuna noodle casserole! [lifts lid of casserole dish and is enveloped by a cloud of steam] What do you think? [coughs]
I think you’re both over done. [pulls out a piece of paper] Here, I made a list of possible topics for tonight’s dinner conversation. Now, if one doesn’t work, move on, but don’t stray from the list. [hands it to Hilda]
Hey, I think I know what to talk about. [reads list] Towels ?
This is such a great place! I mean, how many people have their own turret?
I don’t know, me and Rapunzel?
There’s a totally gothic feel to this place, like anything could happen!
[pointedly] Could ... but doesn’t !
Too bad, that’s like my dream... Hey, I got an idea; Wanna tell each other secrets?
I’ll go first, okay? Ever since I read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, I’ve believed in other realms. Like the way Edmund pushes past the coats and falls into Narnia? I think that could happen if we could just find the door... Wouldn’t that be amazing ?
[to Salem] Hey kitty, do you know where the linen closet is?
I know it’s snooping, but all that talk about towels made me wanna check theirs out. [walks over to the Linen Closet]
R Rulebearer
Do you mind if I smoke? It’s only bubbles.
R Rulebearer
Oh, I’ve been trying to quit, but my job is so stressful... [blows on her pipe]
Stress? Tell me about it.
R Rulebearer
I’m sorry about the rules. I don’t make them up, I only read them... And personally, I think #714 stinks. I mean, what is so bad about mortals?
Nothing. Especially Jenny, she was the coolest.
RB Rule-bearer
So, why not find a loophole?
[surprised] There are loopholes?
R Rulebearer
Yeah, don’t you know the rule?
R Rulebearer
I’m off duty, but... [proclaiming voice] "Rule number 803: For every rule, there is a loop-hole." [normal voice] In fact, there are more loopholes than rules.
So, there’s a chance I can save Jenny?!
RB Rule-bearer
Yeah - but not for another five minutes, I’ve gotta finish my bubbles.
Listen up: "Mortals without concious knowledge of the realm may walk in and out of it freely." [smugly] Loophole!
But Jenny already has concious knowledge
So we get rid of the concious part
No. We convince her she’s having a dream. Then she can leave.
R Rulebearer
Yes, she can. [holds up scroll] I have it in writing.
D Drell
[disappointed] Oh, toothpicks!
R Rulebearer
Sorry. Rules are rules, but loopholes are loopholes!
Now, we'll empty our minds.
[seeing Sabrina's wart] Whoa! Who's your new friend?
[delighted] It’s her first wart as a witch!
Oh, let me get the camera!
What am I gonna do? Harvey and I are supposed to give a report on the rain-forest today, but I am not going to school like this ! [gestures to wart]
You can’t skip school because of a wart. It’s part of being a witch.
It happens to all of us; I once had one on the end of my nose for a decade. [laughs, then stops] Actually, it wasn’t that funny, I wanted to die . Just be glad you can cover yours with a baseball cap. [conjures up a cap for Sabrina]
Orioles? I didn’t know you were a baseball fan.
I’m not - I’m a Brady Anderson fan. He is hot ! I love those side-burns!
Yeah. I may be a house pet, but I totally see it...
[after discovering her Biosphere can't be fixed with magic] Great! Great, great, great!
[angrily] I was being sarcastic ! [storms off]
Oh, I know what I want; Flan! [conjures some up] It’s so wiggly!
I don’t know whether to eat it, or attack it.
Well then, we should celebrate.
And there’s no better way to celebrate than with a woggly joggly flan! [conjures up a flan]
[happily] This is great! Great, great, great! [Zelda, Hilda and Salem give her a hard look] I was being sincere!
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These quotes come from Wikiquote's Sabrina, the Teenage Witch pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License .
