Jim Ross quotes from Royal Rumble

[on entry #14: Muhammad Hassan] Unfortunately, this man is from Raw.

You proud of this guy, JR?

I am not.

You can keep him on Raw, I'll tell you that right now.

I'll make you a trade.

What the hell is Simon Dean doing?

I have no idea. Your Raw guys are...I don't know what the hell they're doing playing games, with all respect.

He's as goofy as a pet coon, I can tell you that right now. Look at him. He's warming up. He had all damn day to warm up! Get in the ring, you idiot! Mysterio taking out Eddie Guerrero face-first.

[laughing] Dude's doing Hindu squats outside of the ring. [Edge eliminates Eddie Guerrero] Oh, damn it to Hell! You gotta be kidding.

Eddie Guerrero eliminated. Edge eliminating Eddie Guerrero.

That's your fault! That's Raw's fault, because this guy on the outside's doing squats and he distracted Guerrero!

[as Simon Dean gets in the ring] I hope somebody eliminates Simon Dean, like, immediately. Right now.

Me too.

John Doan could've eliminated him for all I care!

[on entry #21: Jonathan Coachman] Tell me, JR, that he deserves to be in the Rumble.

I can't.

Well, look at the arms on him. Last time I saw arms like that, they were hanging out of a nest. Give me a break, this guy's not a superstar.

Don't get mad at me about it, I didn't put him in.

I'm mad at everybody!

Bischoff put him in.

That's true.

Look at Coach taking his time. He's got...just so you know who he is, you ever wonder, just look at his ass—it's got "Coach" written all over it.

[as Batista hoists Cena up] Can you say Batista Bomb?

No, no, no!

My God, they both went out!

Wait, I don't know what I want. [Both sets of referees debate] Wait, who touched first?

Batista wins it!

What?! No, wait a minute.

Jack Doan is calling...Referee Jack Doan has raised Batista's hand. [Batista rolls back into the ring, followed by Cena and referee Jim Korderas] Both men went over the top rope, both men's feet obviously touched the floor.

Wait, hold on, JR, I think...[Korderas raises Cena's hand] No, Cena won! [Back-and-forth, the Raw referees raise Batista's hand, and the SmackDown refs Cena's] No, no, no, no, no...

Two Raw referees hold Batista's hand up...

What the Hell?!?

We've got a major malfunction in the junction here. We've got two winners of the Royal Rumble, or do we?

Batista from Raw overpowering John Cena...

No, no, no, no [Batista throws Cena out, finally winning the Rumble] NO!

Batista beats Cena! Batista, the exclamation point, is on the sentence!

The winner of the Royal Rumble match: Batista!

It was not without controversy, but by God, we know now who's going to the main event at WrestleMania, Tazz!

Was that a scream of joy from Melina?

I haven't made a lot of women scream, so I can't tell you.

How would you like to share a subway car with Snitsky at about midnight?

I wouldn't want to share a Subway sandwich with Snitsky at midnight.

What?!

Wait a minute! What the hell?!

What is this?!

IT'S JOHN CENA! JOHN CENA!

Oh my gosh!

#30!

This is unbelievable!

You gotta be kiddin' me!

Oh, my God!

Triple H's expression told the entire story!

The roof is exploding off of Madison Square Garden! John Cena, the 30th entrant in the Royal Rumble match! And, yes, indeed, business just picked up!

All the action has stopped in the ring! You've got to be kidding me!

John Cena just told Triple H, "It's go time!"

These men, somehow, someway, are able to stand, and it's the Game who rises first. [Triple H hoists John Cena on his shoulders and attempts to throw him out, but Cena holds on to the bottom rope] Cena! Cena now in a precarious position! Cena holding on to the top rope, but the Game, so strong, so powerful, with the heart and the soul to headline WrestleMania! [Cena gets off Triple H's shoulders and attempts to FU him] And Cena counters!

Whoa! WHOA!

But not for long, Cena countered! [Triple H attempts the Pedigree, but Cena counters and hoists Triple H on his shoulders] The counter... OH, A SHOW OF STRENGTH! [Cena FU's Triple H over the top rope, winning the Rumble]

WHOA!

CENA WITH A FU, AND CENA DOES IT!

WHOA-OH-OH!

Ladies and gentlemen, the 2008 Royal Rumble winner is JOHN CENA!

When we started this historic night, the last man I thought that would headline WrestleMania would be John Cena because I didn't think John Cena was physically able to return to combat in the WWE! And, my, my, how wrong I was!

Not only did John Cena return, he has prevailed! Unbelievable!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wh-

And there's Vi-

Vickie Guerrero!

The general manager! [Jeff kicks Vickie off of him] Our general manager-

There's no disqualification.

Here to intervene!

Swanton Bomb! And that should do it!

Can Jeff capitalize? Can Jeff sow it in for the cover?

Edge, down. Edge not moving.

Aw, come on!

Wow.

Whoa, Matt Hardy!

Yeah, no disqualification here!

Jeff's brother Matt... [Matt hands Jeff the chair amidst Vickie's screaming] ...handing him a legal weapon. [Jeff prepares to hit Edge with the chair, but Matt stops him, then goes outside the ring to pick up the other chair laying on the floor] The Hardys...

Ho-ho-ho-ha-ha!

Shades of TLC!

Oh, my God!

Staggering. I - [stammers] - I don't know what to say, I...

Jeff Hardy was living his dream. And now his dream has become a family nightmare.

You know, JR, I-I don't think Edge had any idea, of any of this unfolding the way it unfolded, I - nor do I think Vickie had anything to do with this. In shocking fashion, we crowned a new WWE champion?

Which one's it gonna be? Big Shad or JTG?

[as JTG pulls out a coin] There can only be one, they're gonna flip a coin. [JTG flips it, wins the toss, and goes to the ring] Is that a coin?

What did you think it was, a tooth?

No telling. Could be a license plate this guys made. [Shad picks up the coin and can't help but smile when he sees that...] It's a double-sided coin!

JTG wins the toss and has elected to offend.

It was a two-headed coin!

In some of the pubs that Finlay frequents, this is the way they decide who picks up the tab.

Something you usually don't ever do.

[as Santino Marella, the #28 entry, charges to the ring] The king of the unibrow. No offense, King. [The very moment Santino enters the ring, Kane clotheslines him back out, eliminating him] OH!

WHAT?!

Good lord!

I wasn't ready! I wasn't ready! No! I wasn't actually prepared! I'm going back in!

That was a record! I think the Warlord's record may have been broken!

Err.. No redos, Santino! [Kane laughs as the replay of the elimination is shown on screen] Ha!Ha!Ha! Let's see if we can time this in our heads. 1,001...one thousan...he didn't even last two seconds! About a second-and-a-half!

So Santino may have gone in the record books, but not in the way he would've liked.

There goes Orton!

Orton's gon... Orton's not gone! [Triple H Pedigrees Cody Rhodes] What a Pedigree! A Pedigree to Rhodes! [ Ted DiBiase runs at Triple H, but Triple H sends DiBiase flying over the top rope to the floor, eliminating him] DiBiase's gone! We're down to three! We're down to three!

There goes Rhodes! He's gone! Cody Rhodes is gone!

Triple H...is gone! ORTON DID IT!

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 2009 Royal Rumble: Randy Orton!

Randy Orton from behind! Just as the Game had eliminated Cody Rhodes, Orton struck!

The Game eliminated 2/3 of Legacy, but Randy Orton took advantage of opportunity to win the 2009 Royal Rumble! And you know what this means!

[as Cody and Ted re-enter] It means that that man, Randy Orton, has a one-way ticket to the 25th Anniversary of WrestleMania. But he didn't do it alone—there's his help.

The Game fought and fought and fought, tried to hang on, but it was too much. The odds were too much, and now Randy Orton's legacy is this—he is guaranteed a championship match at the 25th Anniversary of WrestleMania.

[as Orton points to the WrestleMania sign] 48 minutes and 27 seconds it took Randy Orton to win this Royal Rumble.

Randy Orton is going to WrestleMania to become a champion, to compete in the main event, and it's guaranteed.