Jim Ross quotes from Royal Rumble

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JJim

[The Undertaker stands alone in the ring, having thrown out four men] You don't need RE/MAX or Century 21 to tell you whose yard this belongs to, and I don't think it's for sale.

You know what, JR? There's only one thing I wouldn't wanna be.

JJim

What's that, King?

Next.

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Matt Hardy could certainly use some help out here, couldn't he?

JJim

Yeah, he ain't likely to get it. It's every man for himself. [Time expires. Entry #10 is Jeff Hardy] But maybe so, King!

What?!

JJim

Here comes Jeff Hardy!

Now wait a minute.

JJim

Undertaker about to suplex Matt to the outside, Jeff Hardy blocked that, and now both the Hardys...

I got a question—who picked these numbers?

JJim

They were drawn randomly. The numbers are drawn randomly [Lita jumps into the ring and joins the Undertaker beatdown] The Hardys and Lita getting some retribution for their near-career-ending injuries!

[as Lita is pulled out] They let her out there and she doesn't have a number?

JJim

[off the Hardys embrace] Look at the reunion of the Hardys! They're back on the same page! Lita's on the same page!

No, Lita's off the page!

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JJim

And Maven- [he dropkicks the Undertaker, who is being distracted by the Hardy Boyz who he has just eliminated, in the back. The momentum carries the Undertaker over the top rope and eliminates him] OH MY GOD! MY GOD! MAVEN FROM TOUGH ENOUGH JUST ELIMINATED THE UNDERTAKER!!!

WHAT?! WHAT?!

JJim

MY GOD, MY GOD, I DON'T BELIEVE IT! Now that is... that is the biggest shocker I've ever seen at the Royal Rumble!

WHAT?!

JJim

You heard me right!

Let me do it again. WHAT?!

JJim

Maven just eliminated the Undertaker, and Maven cannot believe it!

Maven...

JJim

Not to say what the Undertaker must be thinking right now.

Jerry [as the Undertaker re-enters the ring and approaches Maven]: ...maybe you don't wanna believe it, because, you may have made the biggest mistake of your young life!

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JJim

[after an eliminated Austin nails Kurt Angle, Mr. Perfect, and Triple H with a chair] Austin may have been eliminated, King, but he's made his mark indelibly on the head of his three adversaries!

He is the meanest, maddest snake you'll ever lay eyes on! You don't trust anybody, especially that snake right there!

JJim

The Bionic Redneck is pissed, you can count on that!

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JJim

Angle in trouble! Angle in trouble!

No, Kurt! NO! [Triple H clotheslines Angle out of the ring, winning the Rumble]

JJim

IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER! THE GAME! THE GAME!

HFHoward Finkel

Your winner of the Royal Rumble match: Triple H!

JJim

He went through eight months of hell just to make it back, but many said he'd never make it! And now Triple H is going to WrestleMania! Triple H is going to meet the Undisputed WWF Champion at WrestleMania!

JLJerry "The King" Lawler

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[after Chris Jericho nails Shawn Michaels with a chair] Jericho admitted he always admired and emulated Shawn Michaels, but you'd never know it from that vile chair shot!

JRJim Ross

I don't know if Jericho respects anybody or anything!

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Poor HBK caught off guard right from the get-go with the help, of course, from Christian and that phony entrance there; Jericho shows up from behind, low blow... [Jericho tosses Michaels onto the floor, eliminating him] ...and ousts Shawn Michaels!

JJim

Shawn Michaels eliminated by Chris Jericho! Shawn Michaels, battered and bloody, a low blow, a chair shot, the distraction, all combined to eliminate Shawn Michaels. I tell you what, I would not have called that in a million years.

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JCJohn Cena

Yo, Yo, Yo!!! Thuganomics Style!

Naw, naw, Put down your tea potties, get away from your John Hancocks

I'm rockin this Thuganomics style

Yo, besides open mics, one thing that gets me boiled

Is an old school 30-man battle royal

I'm-a win this, I'm-a make my impression

Show Vinnie Mac that I got ruthless aggression

The odds were even until you chose me

Now it's 29 dudes and one ruthless MC

Yo, it doesn't matter, kid, 'cause I'll rip your nose off

I could batter you naked with no clothes on

Kid, what you talkin' 'bout. Three reasons I'm-a win this

Reason #1—I cut you up like cucumbers

Reason #2 that you care to protest

I'll be chokin' you like Sprewell be chokin' coaches

Reason #3's hard for me to explain to ya

But I'm-a win tonight and go on to WrestleMania

The Royal Rumble's just another test I got to pass

Y'all dudes are like a kid with one leg—you half-assed

Yo, what you talkin' 'bout, kid. You can't touch this

Throw the double clutches if you're down with untouches

Yo it's my year, I suggest you take the year off.

I'm sick like Tyson was when he bit Holyfield's ear off.

It doesn't matter, kid. Yo, you should stop defeat me

My style's like a swollen penis, you can't beat me.

Oh, do you like the rap, JR?

JJim

Ninety seconds of...what the hell'd he say? Word to your mother.

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JJim

Cena's an amazing young athletic prospect on SmackDown!. He's a future main event player, and you're in the main event at WrestleMania if you can win the Royal Rumble match. Cena's got his whole career ahead of him—a great young prospect, but he rapped for damn near ninety seconds.

So what's wrong with that? He's still in the Royal Rumble.

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[Undertaker is staring back at an already-eliminated Batista, who he just hit with a steel chair]

JJim

And Brock Lesnar...

HEY!

JJim

LESNAR! [Lesnar throws out Undertaker, winning the Rumble] And OH YES! BROCK LESNAR'S WON THE RUMBLE! BROCK LESNAR HAS ELIMINATED THE UNDERTAKER!

HFHoward Finkel

Here is the winner of the Royal Rumble match, Brock Lesnar!

Look at the Undertaker. Yeah, he got you. He got you, Undertaker.

JJim

Brock Lesnar is now in the main event at WrestleMania! The Road to WrestleMania has begun here at the Royal Rumble!

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[Undertaker reenters the ring after Brock Lesnar's win] Wait a minute. What's gonna happen here?

JJim

This could be another explosion.

No, I think the Undertaker's saying...that's twice you got me. But next time you got a title, he wants a shot.

JJim

I think that's exactly what the Undertaker said: if you become the Champion again, give me my opportunity. And Brock Lesnar will give the Undertaker that opportunity.

Undertaker had delivered that chair shot on Batista, but he took his mind off Brock Lesnar, just for a split second.

JJim

This is gonna kill Paul Heyman.

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JRJim Ross

Randy Orton needs to make hay while the sun is shining, so to speak.

What the hell does that mean, JR? I'm from Brooklyn.

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[after Ernest "The Cat Miller is eliminated, having spent his entire stay dancing in the ring to "Somebody Call My Mama"] Good, enough of the dancing. I'm sick of the dancing.

JJim

Well, we're back down to where we started. We'll continue the wrestling portion of the Royal Rumble match.

Somebody better call his mama. Call him a taxi to the hotel.

JJim

Cat's got plenty of time to call his mama.

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JJim

[Benoit, on the apron, has a headlock on the Big Show] Benoit's a-holding, and holding, he's holding! [Benoit takes the Big Show off his feet and slowly, but surely, tips him over the top rope] The Big Show's teetering! The Big Show's teetering! Can Benoit--

Oh my God! Oh my God! He's gonna go! JR!

JJim

THE BIG SHOW-

Can he do it? Hang on, Show!

JJim

SHOW IS TEETERING!

Hang on, Show!

JJim

BENOIT'S HOLDING ON!

[Benoit finally throws Big Show out, winning the Rumble] WOWWWWWWWWW!

JJim

YES! BENOIT!!! BENOIT HAS DONE IT!

HHoward

Here is your winner of the 2004 Royal Rumble match: Chris Benoit!

Benoit's going to WrestleMania, JR, and he's getting a title shot.

JJim

Chris Benoit, for over one hour of hell, has won the Royal Rumble match before 17,289 fans! And yes, Chris Benoit's dream to headline WrestleMania has come true!

Chris Benoit has worked has ass off for 19 years, and the day has come!