Ladies and gentlemen, I believe that Team Angle has been ejected from this contest!
TTazz
Wait a minute, that ain't...if that's true, that ain't cool, that ain't right!
What do you mean, it's not right?
TTazz
[stammering] Well, I...maybe it is right. I don't know, I thought Team Angle was out here to learn and...observe from Kurt Angle.
Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit will be a classic match-up. There is no need for Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas to be involved. I believe Kurt Angle, Tazz, deep down inside realizes that he cannot beat Chris Benoit. He brought Benjamin and Haas in here as an insurance policy—that insurance policy has been sent to the back.
[Benoit, on the apron, has a headlock on the Big Show] Benoit's a-holding, and holding, he's holding! [Benoit takes the Big Show off his feet and slowly, but surely, tips him over the top rope] The Big Show's teetering! The Big Show's teetering! Can Benoit--
TTazz
Oh my God! Oh my God! He's gonna go! JR!
TTazz
Can he do it? Hang on, Show!
TTazz
[Benoit finally throws Big Show out, winning the Rumble] WOWWWWWWWWW!
YES! BENOIT!!! BENOIT HAS DONE IT!
Here is your winner of the 2004 Royal Rumble match: Chris Benoit!
TTazz
Benoit's going to WrestleMania, JR, and he's getting a title shot.
Chris Benoit, for over one hour of hell, has won the Royal Rumble match before 17,289 fans! And yes, Chris Benoit's dream to headline WrestleMania has come true!
TTazz
Chris Benoit has worked has ass off for 19 years, and the day has come!
What the hell is Simon Dean doing?
TTazz
I have no idea. Your Raw guys are...I don't know what the hell they're doing playing games, with all respect.
He's as goofy as a pet coon, I can tell you that right now. Look at him. He's warming up. He had all damn day to warm up! Get in the ring, you idiot! Mysterio taking out Eddie Guerrero face-first.
TTazz
[laughing] Dude's doing Hindu squats outside of the ring. [Edge eliminates Eddie Guerrero] Oh, damn it to Hell! You gotta be kidding.
Eddie Guerrero eliminated. Edge eliminating Eddie Guerrero.
TTazz
That's your fault! That's Raw's fault, because this guy on the outside's doing squats and he distracted Guerrero!
...
[as Simon Dean gets in the ring] I hope somebody eliminates Simon Dean, like, immediately. Right now.
John Doan could've eliminated him for all I care!
[as Batista hoists Cena up] Can you say Batista Bomb?
[Cena shifts his weight so Batista backs into the ropes, the momentum sending both over the top rope and onto the floor]
My God, they both went out!
TTazz
Wait, I don't know what I want. [Both sets of referees debate] Wait, who touched first?
[Jack Doan raises Batista's hand]
TTazz
What?! No, wait a minute.
Jack Doan is calling...Referee Jack Doan has raised Batista's hand. [Batista rolls back into the ring, followed by Cena and referee Jim Korderas] Both men went over the top rope, both men's feet obviously touched the floor.
TTazz
Wait, hold on, JR, I think...[Korderas raises Cena's hand] No, Cena won! [Back-and-forth, the Raw referees raise Batista's hand, and the SmackDown refs Cena's] No, no, no, no, no...
Two Raw referees hold Batista's hand up...
We've got a major malfunction in the junction here. We've got two winners of the Royal Rumble, or do we?
Batista from Raw overpowering John Cena...
TTazz
No, no, no, no [Batista throws Cena out, finally winning the Rumble] NO!
Batista beats Cena! Batista, the exclamation point, is on the sentence!
The winner of the Royal Rumble match: Batista!
It was not without controversy, but by God, we know now who's going to the main event at WrestleMania, Tazz!
[Buzzer sounds for #30. The music plays and doors open for...]
Wait a minute! What the hell?!
IT'S JOHN CENA! JOHN CENA!
TTazz
You gotta be kiddin' me!
Triple H's expression told the entire story!
The roof is exploding off of Madison Square Garden! John Cena, the 30th entrant in the Royal Rumble match! And, yes, indeed, business just picked up!
All the action has stopped in the ring! You've got to be kidding me!
John Cena just told Triple H, "It's go time!"
Jim Ross [as Jeff Hardy starts to climb to the top turnbuckle]: Jeff Hardy, willing himself! [suddenly Vickie Guerrero appears and tries to pull Jeff down] Jeff Hardy living extreme-
TTazz
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wh-
The general manager! [Jeff kicks Vickie off of him] Our general manager-
TTazz
There's no disqualification.
Tazz [as Jeff hits the Swanton Bomb on Edge, who is down] Jeff Hardy!
Swanton Bomb! And that should do it!
TTazz
Can Jeff capitalize? Can Jeff sow it in for the cover?
Edge, down. Edge not moving.
Tazz [as the referee starts the 3-count] Got him, got him!-
[Vickie then grabs the referee to stop the count]
Jim [as Vickie is screaming at the referee]: The general manager interrupted the count, or I personally guarantee you this one would be over!
[suddenly Matt Hardy comes out to the ring, steel chair in hand, and pushes Vickie into the ring]
Jim [as Matt corrals Vickie to the corner of the ring]: And now the tables got a little bit ho - set a little differently!
TTazz
Yeah, no disqualification here!
Jeff's brother Matt... [Matt hands Jeff the chair amidst Vickie's screaming] ...handing him a legal weapon. [Jeff prepares to hit Edge with the chair, but Matt stops him, then goes outside the ring to pick up the other chair laying on the floor] The Hardys...
Tazz [as Jeff lays his chair under Edge's head] Con-chair-to city!
[suddenly Matt strikes Jeff in the head with the other chair. Jeff goes down and is out cold]
[the crowd boos loudly as Matt stares at his fallen brother. Edge comes to, looks at Matt, pulls Jeff in and, keeping one eye on Matt, covers Jeff for the three count]
Justin Roberts [as the referee hands Edge the WWE championship belt]: The winner of this match, and NEW WWE champion, the Rated-R Superstar, Edge!
[Edge celebrates with Vickie as Matt quietly leaves the ring and walks away]
Jim [after a long pause]: I'm absolutely in shock. I don't believe what we have just witnessed here tonight at the Royal Rumble.
TTazz
Staggering. I - [stammers] - I don't know what to say, I...
Jeff Hardy was living his dream. And now his dream has become a family nightmare.
TTazz
You know, JR, I-I don't think Edge had any idea, of any of this unfolding the way it unfolded, I - nor do I think Vickie had anything to do with this. In shocking fashion, we crowned a new WWE champion?