Dan, I think you and me should talk about this.
You're in my way. Are you going to move...or am I going to move you?
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
(Squeaking from above Roseanne and Dan's bedroom. They think Becky and Mark are having sex)
Becky (from upstairs): Very funny, Darlene! Stop jumping on D.J.'s bed!
[Roseanne and Mark are having a heart-to-heart before Becky and Mark leave for Minneapolis]
All right, I knew this was comin', so... we're too young, I'm not good enough for her, and I got no future.
Eyes on your own paper!
Look, you're just ticked off at me 'cause you think I made Becky marry me. Well, let me tell you somethin'. Becky doesn't do a damn thing she doesn't want to.
Okay, that's fair enough, she got married 'cause she wanted to. Well, she also wants to finish high school. And if she doesn't, I'm gonna know that that's because of you. And she also wants to go to college. And if she doesn't do that, then I'm gonna know that that's because of you.
Hey, I'm gonna take care of her, okay? So just back off.
Foolish boy. Oh-ho, you know nothing of my powers, do you? See, I'm not just some royal pain in your butt anymore. I'm your mother-in-law. You think I've made your life difficult so far? Well now I'm family, and you've seen the way I treat my family.
[to D.J.] Your sister's leavin'.
[cheerfully] See ya! (Runs off)
I hope you know how hard that was for him.
Take it easy.
You too.
I'll miss you.
Will you call?
Promise. I love you, Becky.
I love you, Darlene.
Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You are the wind beneath my wings.
All right, knock it off.
See you, bubble butt.
Later, Morticia.
Monday, we'll go to the gynecologist and get you some birth control.
[puzzled] Why?
Well, because I just don't think I'm responsible enough to be a grandmother yet.
Nothing happened last night, I told you that.
Oh Darlene, he spent the whole night in your room. I'm not stupid!
Yeah well, neither am I. First of all I don't want to have sex yet. And second you think I'd do it with you twenty feet away?
Why not? You can do it real quiet without us knowing about it.
Really? You can't!
[long pause]
You mean you can hear us?
Last night, I had to tell David you were moving furniture.
Hi, guys. Oh, you guys are not going to believe the time I had at that singles dance last night. [The family watches as she puts bread in the toaster...] I haven't even been home yet. Not that I met anybody or anything, [...puts milk in the blender...] but Nancy and I had a few, so I just decided to crash at her place for a while, you know, just for the night. [...takes food out of the freezer] You ought to turn the freezer up. It's getting kind of warm in there. Anyway...
Jackie, let me make you some breakfast, okay, because...
Roseanne, I'm right in the middle of a story here, okay? [She puts the food in the microwave] Anyway, the second we walk in the door, Nancy starts throwing herself at any jerk who's wearing Old Spice, [...goes to the phone to make a call...] which leaves me completely alone, having to fight off this whole parade of losers. [...takes chocolate mix from the pantry to the blender] This one guy actually said, "you're under arrest for stealing my heart." It was priceless! Pathetic! I just want to... see if any of 'em called. Hey, there's a message from you on here, Roseanne. What do you need candles and flashlights for? [She tries turning on the blender, and realizes the electricity is out] Oh.
Well, we don't have any lights, but now we know the speed of Stupid.
[calling the electric company to try to get Roseanne's lights back on] Did you tell them you have children?
Yeah. They don't want 'em.
Mom wants me to go on the pill because Becky had sex.
[pauses] ...I don't think that'll work.
I don't believe this! You guys are both treating me like I'm Becky! I'm not Becky! I don't go to the mall like Becky, I don't do great laundry like Becky, I don't love school like Becky, and I don't sleep with my boyfriend like Becky!
So what are you getting at, Becky?
What I'm getting at, Mother, is I'm stuck here, so I'm paying for how SHE screwed up! If you guys have a problem, you deal with Becky. Leave me out of it. [storms out, slamming the door]
Remember how excited we were when she first learned to talk?
Darlene, come on in here and meet your Aunt Jackie's new boyfriend. [taking Darlene aside] Now, she's really sensitive about the age thing, see, so we're all on our best behavior.
Yeah, okay.
Fisher, this is our little Darlene.
[to Fisher] Aren't you in my science class?
Well, she held out longer than I thought she would.
I like the kids poor, that way they don't clash with the furniture.
I can't believe I'm going through with this. Well, maybe I'll get lucky and choke on my free meal at Lenny's.
Denny's.
Hey Darlene, think fast! [throws her a set of car keys]
What are these for?
Well, it's amazing. Becky's car seems to be running fine now. [hand Darlene an envelope] And here. I think this ought to be enough here to buy you and your fellow creatures of the night dinner and a movie. They're waiting for you at the Pizza King.
Surprise! We want you to leave!
Yes! That's just what I always wanted!
Well, I know my kid.
So what, you mean this whole party thing was a big joke? You put me through hell.
Well, that was kinda for us.
"Maybe she just doesn't know how to tell you she loves you anymore." Sucker!
What? You're not gone yet?
Leaving.
Oh, Darlene?
Yes?
[sighs] I hate your hair.
[smiles] Thanks, Mommy!
I'll take this one. Truth or dare?
Truth.
Okay. Wouldn't you really like to be partners with me and Nancy in our new restaurant?
You and Nancy?
Yeah, I'm going into the business too. Isn't that wild?
You guys are gonna do it without me?
You said you didn't want to do it.
No, I didn't! I said I couldn't do it!
What's the difference?
There's a huge difference, Jackie. "I don't want to do it" means you can go ahead and do it yourself, but "I can't do it" means you can't do it either!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.