Roseanne Conner quotes from Roseanne

Roseanne

[on Mark] I wanna go over to his house and beat the hell out of his mother.

Roseanne

(after the man ceases responding to her) Oh I get it. It's like being in an elevator.

Roseanne

We can't control everything thing our kids do. Sooner or later they're just gonna do what they're gonna do. They're like people that way.

Roseanne

(reading a Valentine's Day card from Dan) Though this gift is not what you desired, the message is quite clear. If you need proof of how much I love you, Well, heck Rosey, I'm still here!

Roseanne

Stay sick Dan. When you get well, I am going to kill you.

Roseanne

Well, we're talking to you.

Roseanne

I'm a better person. I'm a better person. I'm a better person. Hope I don't kill her.

Roseanne

C'mon, Darlene, don't miss out on this just to get back at me. There's better ways of gettin' back at me! Maybe Becky's boyfriend has a little brother!

Roseanne

I just put Becky in charge. That's like putting Fredo in charge of the Corleone family.

Roseanne

[on Lorraine, after Lorraine again makes an excuse to stall at picking up the dog] You would not believe the day she's having. First her car breaks, then a kitchen fire. The way her luck is going, I wouldn't be surprised if the next thing that happens is some irate mother of three jams a skanky little dog down her throat.

Roseanne

[on how she'd react if one of her kids were gay] The only thing I've ever wanted for my kids is that they're happy, and that they're out of the house. And I'll tell you what, happy ain't even that important.

Roseanne

Marriage stinks, with a capital SUCK!

Roseanne

[writhing in pain after throwing her back out] I can't get up and I don't have one of those things! I shouldn't have laughed at that old lady on TV!

Roseanne

What sick Nazi man came up with this idea?

Roseanne

[describing her examination] Well, he said, "Put your clothes on, I'm done." Ya know, like any man.