Roseanne Conner quotes from Roseanne

Roseanne

If my parents move to Lanford, I'm going to be sleeping on a cot for the rest of my life because I'm going to be in prison for blowing them away.

Roseanne

(to Dan) What'd you get us for later? (Dan shows her a video and they both giggle heavily) That's perfect!

Roseanne

I hate my boss! I hope he never graduates high school.

Roseanne

(After hearing Becky's mean attitude) Geez, I thought I was the Wicked Witch.

Roseanne

Here I am, 5 o'clock in the morning, stuffing breadcrumbs up a dead bird's butt!

Roseanne

[to Brian, after learning that she is fired] I need that job, and I hate like hell that I do, but I need it. And I'm not working there because I need an allowance. I'm paying for a mortgage and putting food on the table and buying clothes for three kids. I don't think you'd even understand that. I don't think you understand anything. You're not grown up enough yet to understand that your life doesn't always turn out the way you plan it to be, and sometimes you end up doing stuff you thought you'd never do in a million years, but you still have to do it 'cause there's nothing else you can do.

Roseanne

I've definitely sunk to an all-time new low: I've been fired by Opie.

Roseanne

You've got a big booger hanging out of your nose!

Roseanne

I guess you can catch more flies with manure, than with honey.

Roseanne

(to Jackie who's complaining that her new boyfriend doesn't know the "real" her) Maybe it's because you're acting like Gidget on an aphrodisiac for the past three weeks.

Roseanne

[to Meg's dog, Jacques] C'mere, you little squirrel on a rope.

Roseanne

People like us, the poor people, and the people like us regular people are paying more taxes than the rich people because they got all these lawyers who find loopholes, I want loopholes. I mean, we're paying you guys our money anyway, and then you mishandle it worse than any of us ever could. And the government is like 3 trillion dollars in debt, I think I heard that on "Donahue." Can you imagine 3 trillion dollars in debt? That's like you make what $15,000 a year and then charge up your Master cards $50,000, and then you pay $5,000 monthly income. You know, people like us, we should get smart and audit them.

Roseanne

Gone with the Wind was a book?

Roseanne

[entering the kitchen] Boy, it's just a beautiful morning today, it just makes me wanna SING!!!

Roseanne

[on her new waitress job versus her old beauty parlor job] Well, the way I look at it, I'm still working with hair; only now, it's in the food.