Rick and Morty quotes

You know the goddamn rules: if you see something clucking or pecking, put a buckshot in its panties!

Summer

Your kids and their grandpa are asking you to do an activity with them - when did that stop being a parent's wettest dream?!

I guess around the time our family created a giant incest baby and the government launched it into space.

Summer

[sarcastic] "Oh my god, we made a giant incest baby!" "Oh my god, you might be a clone!" "I exist because you guys failed to abort me!" We get the family we get, not the one we want, and if you want to keep the one you got, get your asses into some anime spacesuits!

Summer

Morty was right - I got addicted to making Grandpa happy!

It's only because your grandpa inflates the value of his happiness.

Jerry

Ah, that's a good point. I mean, look at me. I'm easy to make happy. [bitterly] Which is why nobody gives a shit if I am...!

Summer

I've been really sensitive about family lately because of something I've been keeping secret...

Oh...

Jerry

Okay, who's on the Supreme Court and what state do we live in? It's been years since I thought about this--

Summer

No, I'm not pregnant, but as you guys recall, and as a lot of people keep bringing up, Morty and I did accidentally create a giant incest baby, which the government did launch into space. And... I'm not sure how to tell you this, but, it is still alive, and I have been in contact with it. [narrating over a flashback] There were soldiers waiting for me outside school last month. They took me to the Pentagon and briefed me, and from there, I was shuttled to a secret base on Mars. They had captured him and wanted to see if he'd respond to me instinctively, being his mother. And he sure did. But what they didn't expect was that I'd respond to him. I was supposed to help discipline him so they could turn him into the ultimate weapon. Instead, I trained him to love, to believe in himself - and finally, to escape! [flashback ends] The government doesn't want anyone to know it happened, but it's only a matter of time before the story comes out. And when it does, all we're going to have is each other. And you guys are a couple, and Rick has Morty, but I'm the odd one out, so [starting to cry] I wanted to make sure we stuck together! But instead, I drove us apart, and Rick replaced me with an anime girl, so all I got is myself and my giant, tortured, government-trained rogue incest monster baby out there in space somewhere!

Jerry

[comforting her] Oh, baby, what the fuck? [frowning] And then you have to wonder, what else are they doing with our taxes?

They're not actually gonna attack a space baby, are they?

Summer

I never thought I'd be the one to say this, but you need to watch more anime, Mom. [to the baby] Whoa! Easy there, Naruto!

Eat my ass, BP! You're down here bailing on the rest of us because you don't want to process your grief and shame like a normal person: by drinking and mistreating strangers!

Rick, I do not like to pull threads - it is a disruptive and feline activity - but I must ask...

I-It's fine, you don't have to--

Was there really a second in there where you knew about my child but chose not to inform me, on the chance that I might then grow too busy child-rearing to "hang out"?

Oh, uh... weird way to thank me for discovering your kid--

You did not know of the child when you came to rescue me, and once aware, refrained from sharing until necessary to save yourself.

[after an awkward pause] Fair enough.

I will see you when I see you. [flies away]

Jesus Christ!

You ever think putting the violent ones in the same place might be counterproductive?

They don't pay us to think, Phil.

No, you're right, sorry.

[spinning the "Wheel of Things Better Than Morty"] Come on, anything! Anything but Morty, let's go! Come on baby, no whammies! Duh-duh-duh-duh stop!

Okay, that's it. Two crows. You're fired!

You know what? Eat shit. You're just trying to make me feel worthless.

I never said you're worthless. In fact, I've given you a very clear metric of your worth: two crows. Note I didn't say three!

[on Rick's roulette wheel] What is that?

Oh, heh, that? Th-That's... nothing.

But I see "Two Crows" written right here beside "Gene with Donkey Brains", "Half a Paul Giamatti" and "Sentient Shit"!

I guess, the joke being that crows are stupid?

Look, I... think it's a little more nuanced than that--

Right, because you just learned empathy from us ten minutes ago, but now we're going to learn we don't get your humour? Fucking horseshit!

Yeah, there's not a ton to get, genius. The joke is your grandson was so replaceable that "even two crows could do it!" [chuckles dryly] It's funny, except it's not.

Cool place you've got here. Very "Dark Crystal meets Hot Topic".

So we're like, back-back, right? Rick and Morty, together again. Full-full reset?

[sighs] No. No, Morty, I think we're done.

B-because I spilled the portal fluid and didn't tell you?

No, Morty. 'Cause you were too afraid to tell me. What we had was abusive, don't you see? I'm a bad partner because I never made you a true partner. The crows made me see that. I thought they were a joke like you, but it turns out they're more enlightened than any of us.

Oh, okay? And-and what's the undercut?

You're not hearing me. I will never be the same. So I need to leave with the crows and see what more they can teach me.

Oh. [wipes tears] Oh.

Here. [hands over his portal gun to Morty] I want you to have this.

Oh, wow. I... You know what, Rick? You really have changed.

Thanks, Morty. [starts walking away, then turns back to Morty] I'll always be your grandpa, Morty. Just kinda... obsessed with crows now.

Oh shit! Rick and Two Crows! Kicking off my new franchise! The galaxy is our telephone wire! We'll do a thousand seasons, fourteen episodes each night, nine seconds a pop, because that's the future of viewing! Shows on your shoes! Sneakies! That's when you've got everybody's attention, when they're putting crap on their feet! That's when they wanna laugh, cry or feel anything besides a shoe going on their foot! Watch sitcoms on your sneakers! The Rick and Two Crows Show! We're gonna be laying... laying walnuts on the road for... car tires to open 'em! Y'know what I mean? Forever! Rick and Two Crows, forever!

You sellout Mortys kill me. I'd hate you more than the Ricks you worship if there was any point. But you can't help it. You were bred for it. Wanna see?

You already know rogue Ricks used Mortys to hide themselves from the Citadel. But you might not know it works so well that the Citadel became its own Morty market. And I'm sure you don't know how far they've gone to help supply meet demand. Sure, Ricks could scour infinity for naturally occurring grandsons, but why bother? So much work. Such an admission of need. There aren't "infinite versions" of our grandfather, Morty – he's an infinite smear of one shitty old man. And he's attached to us infinitely through his weakness and our forgiveness. This is why we're with him... this is why we're alive.

Morty, I'm not responsible for every fucked-up Rick out there.

They literally all say that. They all have that excuse. It's part of their system. None of them have to be responsible, they're all victims of themselves. "Oh, it's so hard to be a genius." Couldn't you just die?

Well, what are you doing about it?

Jack shit. I'm leaving. Do you know what the Central Finite Curve is? They built a wall around infinity. They separated all the infinite universes from all the infinite universes where he's the smartest man in the universe. Every version of us has spent every version of all of our lives in one infinite crib, built around an infinite fucking baby. And I'm leaving it. That's what makes me "evil": being sick of him. If you've ever been sick of him, you've been evil too.

Rick... did you really leave the crows for me? Or did you come back because they dumped you?

There you go, kid. Now you're Evil Morty too. Sooner or later, we all are, on this side of the Curve.