Rick and Morty quotes

[donning the rings] Now we can be together, Planetina.

[pulls a sword on him] I am an individual character, I represent no group!

[using the rings on him] FIRE! WATER! DIRT! AIR!

AAAAAARGH! NOT COOL!

Then I put my sunglasses on and walked out like nothing happened!

I'm finally free! All because of Morty!

Jerry

[unsettled] What a romantic story about our son killing a roomful of people...

My whole life, I've never fit in anywhere! Everything I have to say is always met with an eyeroll, as if the act of hearing what I have to say is some exhausting chore! Nobody in this family thinks I can say or do anything right! I've been all over the universe, met hundreds of people, [starting to tear up] and Planetina's the only one I've ever met that makes me feel like I belong! And you just kicked her out of our house!

Morty, please--

I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS! [leaves, slamming the door]

[saddened and afraid] Please go. I-I-I can't see you anymore.

Don't you even want to try to make it work? We were so close.

You murdered 300 people.

And you murdered my kids.

They were gonna sell you away forever. Eddie was trying to kill me! Th-Those miners were innocent.

Those "innocent" miners voted men into power to protect their precious jobs so they can buy more plastic garbage and eat the corpses of tortured animals - the system is broken, Morty! This is the only way I can save Earth... the only way I can save you.

If that's the only way, I-I don't want to be saved. Please go.

But... I love you. [cups his cheek]

I-I-I can't. I-I can't love you, I-I just can't. Please understand.

[sniffing, clearly close to tears] No... I'll go. But don't you dare ask me to understand.

Planetina, I... I'm so sorry.

[now openly crying] Fuck you.

Morty... are you all right?

[sobbing] She's gone, Mom! She's gone! I loved her so much! [collapses into her arms]

I know you did, honey. [kisses his forehead and shushes him gently] Mommy's here...

This is Professor Shabooboo, the world's leading expert on sperm. Thanks for getting here so fast.

My schedule was wide open. I have been tracking our new sperm friends since their arrival. I-If my calculations are correct, they have gathered here. [unravels a poster of the Grand Canyon]

Why would the sperm go to the Grand Canyon? [silence; gets lots of incredulous looks and smirks] Why are you looking at me like the answer is obvious? [stifled sniggers are heard] Oh, you can't be serious! Are we in middle school? You think sperm are instinctively heading for America's--?

Don't high road us, lady, it's where they went!

The sperm made a catapult?! A-A-Are they getting smarter?!

No, you're getting dumber, because that's a trebuchet.

Nobody knows the difference!

They're reloading that textbook trebuchet! Time to fly!

Hey, what the fuck are you doing with my stuff?! A-A-And w-why do you have the horse jerkoff machine from my daughter's hospital?!

We need it to create our army.

Well, you need more than that, dummy, you need a horse!

Oh, but our stallion is already here. Isn't that right, Morty? Or shall I say... father?

[realizing what happened] Morty, you nasty, lying little world-ending pervert!

I-I'm sorry! [sobs in shame]

What was it like?

[still sobbing] Fantastic!

Rick, I'm sorry! I-I just thought maybe I could have repeated sex with a horse machine without it becoming Armageddon. I-I realize that's on me.

[trapped in a frozen block of DNA] Yeah, not exactly accepting apologies while I'm stuck here as Handjob Solo.

This is all your fault for being ashamed of us, Morty. How many millions went to their graves for you, hurling themselves into the void, only to discover a grody sock or a carefully folded landing strip of toilet paper?!

How do you know all this?!

Oh-ho, honey, because we're the very essence of you! We are your shame incarnate! And once we're through with you, our sperm army will take over the world! Put him on the machine!

Rick, do something!

On it. [rocks back and forth and falls onto his back]

Wh-what did you do?

I got out of your eyeline.

I always knew your hormones would cause a world war between humans and cannibalistic horse people. I just didn't know it would be like this.

I can't change my nature.

What are you, a scorpion in a Navajo fable? Everyone can change their nature, Morty. It's what defines our species. Look at Iron Man. That actor was an animal in the '90s! Literally waking up in bushes! His agent had to catch him with a butterfly net.

Summer

You're gonna need my help. It's only a matter of time before Bruce learns you're a creepy little grandpa's boy always climbing up into alien asses.

Or the "Summer Smith shampoos her pubes" rumor.

Summer

Okay, you came to play. We both need to acquire Chutback's loyalty before he finds out we're losers. By all accounts, it's a very small window, so I think it's in our best interests to work as a team.

Yeah, most people would call that family.

You're so gross!

Summer

You have to like it, or you're sexist!

Don't you see, Rick? Jerry was just bait. The two of you - you're a package deal.

The hell are you talking about?

You think Jerry is lame and you're cool, but the lamest thing of all is thinking that! The two of you combined is what we call the lamest thing ever!

[horrified] Oh, no... No!

Jerry

[smugly] Well, well, well. Table for surprised, party of me.

Ugh...

Yes! See? Cringe cannot exist in a vacuum. It needs to be observed!

Morty! You just destroyed the map and activated the giant assassin hidden in the Statue of Liberty!

I'm sorry! W-Wait, what?

It was a Trojan Horse, Morty. Never trust the French. All right, fun's fun, but now the federal government's gonna be pissed again. Way to go. And on America's birthday, or whatever the fuck Thanksgiving is.

What the fuck is that?

Not what... who.

The only thing to fear is me!

How the fuck does the White House have a clone spider of FDR?!

It's no clone, it's FDR! He was a guinea pig for the polio vaccine. We asked ourselves, "What walks the most?"

"We"? You're taking credit for this?!

The office comes with baggage, Morty!

What is your problem?! Why do you hate this country?!

I hate every country in the universe, brother! They’re job placement programs for the politicians that invent them!

Okay, Fight Club - I get paid to protect the sidelines you sit on!

You get paid to make sports metaphors!

Summer

The turkey is raw, dad. Shit's potato bunz.

Jerry

Sorry, Summer, the United States enclosed us in a shimmer bubble that scrambled my oven timer. So I guess elections do have consequences.

Eat my ass, Jerry! I've seen your IRS records. You can blame me once you have taxable income.

[laughs, then catches himself] Yes, Jerry's a piece of shit, I agree.