H.Q. I told them that we don't have a Chief, and they said that they sent somebody.
It must've been Izzy, right?
No, it's not Izzy, he's got his own crew to deal with. Same with Needles. They tell me this guy... (looks at his paper) Tell me, how do you pronounce this? P-E-C-H-E-R.
You've gotta be kiddin' me. It's gold.
This is like shootin' fish is a goddamn barrel. You've got so many options here.
Yeah, if he's an asshole, you've got peck-a-wood, peck-a-head.
Yeah, and if he's good lookin', Gregory Pecker.
And if he's black... you've got Black 'n Pecker.
[looking at a 9/11 Memorial] It's hard to believe it's been five years, man.
Yeah I saw a thing about this in the Times, the picture didn't do it justice.
You realize the only reason this is here, is because firefighters and regular people, wanted to honor the guys we lost. There were no politicians involved.
No. The Chief of the Department, did I tell ya, when they did the unveiling... his speech, he said "All we got was empty promises from empty suits."
You know I feel for those families over there. Waiting for a memorial for their loved ones, we already got ours.
You know, the guys from this house, they lost a lot of brothers that day... they wrote on the back of this thing, they put personal prayers, put personal notes, and remembrances, of all the brothers they lost that day... and then they sealed it up so that nobody will ever be able to read what they wrote.
That's the way it should be, it stays between brothers.
Each other is all we got, right.
[coming up with a plan about the baby] Alright, so you know what we do, we pretend that we're together, and when the baby's born I'll help you raise it, and if it's a boy, grand slam because that solves my dad's problem with the male heir thing...
Okay, and what if the baby looks like Johnny? [Tommy scoffs] What?
Like that's a possibility.
Both of Angie's kids look just like Angie, okay? Nothing like Johnny, okay? My sperm versus Johnny's sperm, are you kiddin' me?
My sperm are like... they have ant strength, they can lift other sperm outta the way, okay?
Wait, um, what's sperm? [Tommy looks to Janet who throws her hands up in the air at him]
It's -- It's, uh food. It's like uh, Spam, except it has more... protein and it's hard to find in the store. Now get outta here.
Well, I thought it was the stuff that came out of a man's penis during intercourse.
You know? What do you mean 'you know'?
And it's good pot, not the cheap shit we used to get.
Great, great. That's a great attitdude. You know, I told you years ago, that pot is a gateway drug--- So she comes home tonight, not only is she high, she's drunk. Drunk. Yeah, shitfaced. Puked. Yeah.
No, I think her 50 year old boyfriend was handling the driving responsiblities.
He's 26. And that's good, that's good.
Because he doesn't drink.
Okay. I'm pretty sure she's bangin' this guy.
I know. She's on the pill.
You put her on the pill? In-insane. Just totally-- ... You-- you got the whole toolbox goin' here, booze, penises, ... I-- I can't believe that I'm finally the moral compass in this family.
Okay, Colleen, sex with the boyfriend, in the car in front of the house. How about that, huh? The neighbors could've seen--
Honey, she's a kid, she just turned 18... you know...
You got me pregnant when I was 17.
In your truck, while we were drinking, and on pot.
You're throwing away the porn?
Okay, look, Maggie, a lotta wives-- they would be thrilled if their husbands were throwing away their porn they would see it as a mature and committed act, and -- and I thnk that you should see this as a real positive thing.
You know, that's all fine and good, Sean, only it's my porn.
Yeah, but you don't need it anymore 'cause 'ya got me.
[laughs] Put the box down.
C'mon, Maggie I just wanna be married for two seconds without--
No, now! You see this box? This box is your friend, it might even be your best friend because it is the only thing breathing life into our relationship right now.
Maggie, we've been married nine months. What are you talkin' about breathin' life into the relationship?
Everyone needs breath, everyone needs a spark, Sean!
Okay, and the spark is watching some girl get double teamed by guys with cocks the size of telephone poles?
No, I don't understand. I don't understand, Maggie, and I don't think you understand that I might have a problem with this. You know, that this might make me feel... inferior.
Oh, but Sean you have nothing to feel inferior about.
Well.... except for the fact that your cock isn't as big as a telephone pole. But, that's--
That's okay, I'm going to work. You go look at your porn.
Sean--- Sean, you don't want your cock that big. Your life would be terrible, you would not be able to buy pants.
EEddie
Yeah, through your goddamn teeth I want you to lie.
EEddie
You-- You can't [starts laughing]
Look, I can lie to my wife, my kids, the guys at work, the guys at headquarters, cops, yeah I can do that kinda lyin'. That's like triple-A ball, you know? But these are lawyers, this is major league pitching here to these guys, I'm good but I'm not that good.
Hey guys, can I ask you somethin'?
What? What do you mean 'here we go'?
Well, everytime you say 'Hey guys, can I ask you somethin', we're either gonna end up in some ridiculous, dead end incrediably moronic conversation or you're gonna say somethin' so stupid that we're gonna spend the night unable to sleep because we're gonna end up thinking back to what you said and laughing our tired asses off. Not like it's gonna stop you. (hands out plates of food) My grandma's lemon chicken, you dumb Irish minks, so eat slow. Proceed, Sean.
Wow. Okay, you know how uh, porn has come out on DVD so it's like really cheap and available? And you go onto the internet and it's right there and kinda pop-upable in your face. ... Well, here's-- here's my question: Do you guys, do you still use the you know, the good 'ol spank bank?
Finally. A perfect fit for some fine dinner conversation.
Well, at this stage of the game my wife's got a bigger bank than I do.
Let me think though, Scarlett Johannson. Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Garner. Uh, Barbra Hersh, this chick I went to high school with, uh... Brittney Klein, another chick I went to high school with. Karen Palonowski, whoo she was on the swim team. Janet... Uh lemme see...
Janet... Janet... Janakowski. She was uh, on the debate team, she was uh... she was so hot, she could really debate.
Shit. Gimme the knives. [grabs all the knives from the table]
What's happening? I don't understand. Shit where was I...?
I think you were talking about my wife.
No, no, god no, I was not talking about... your wife?
Yes, yes, you were. You're jerkin' off to my wife.
No. Oh my God, I don't know where you got that from, I did not say that! I would never...
Yes, yes you did. That's what you said. Yes you did. You did, you did!
Okay, I did. But let me explain. It was the picnic a few years ago, okay? You remember she showed up with the white blouse on and it was kind of see though and we had a water balloon fight, I mean come on!
FDNY ain't like it used to be, man. It's all bean counters and brown nosers now. Guys like me, a dyin' breed.
EEddie
Oh, yeah, with the drinkin' and the druggin' and the mistresses, and the lyin and the cheatin'. World ain't what it used to be, huh, Tom? Hey, we gotta go. Teddy's case just came in.
EEddie
If I had to bet right now on your case or Teddy's I'd have to call it even.
EEddie
Because they both hinge on the same thing.
I wanna know what really happened that night, okay? All of it.
You know the truth, Tommy. You're an uncontrollable alcohol with a heavy case of survivor's guilt. Couple of big swigs, the guilt goes right out the window, and you're rippin' off my panties and wippin' out your dick. I saw somethin' about it on Oprah, the grieving process. That's how men deal with death. They wanna have a lot of sex, they think it kills off all the emotions inside.
[after Sheila sprays him with perfume] Wh-what are you doing?
You had a little baby stink on you. Anyway, it's Curious by Britney Spears, it's fancy.
Well, the mystery's over, she's a whore.
