BBartender
For a glass that's gonna cost you about a c-note, you're certainly drinkin' it pretty fast there, pal.
Well, you would to if you only had about two dollars and seventy-five cents if your pocket.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[showing his scars to people at a bar, proving he's FDNY, while drinking expensive whiskey he can't pay for] See, that? See, that, huh? I got that 12 stories up in a raging inferno up in Harlem. In an apartment, lookin' around I lost my halgen, couldn't find it. But I did find someone's grandmother. I had to hand her out in a bucket to save her, had to punch my way through a window. She died about an hour later. See that one? Take a look at that one. That was a drunken asshole up in the Bronx he fell asleep smoking in bed, well, he started the fire. He was trying to crawl out, I brought him down, I was trading my mask off with him coming down the stairs, the stairs give way and I fall through a half of story on to these metal spikes. He lived, but four kids and their mom died. I knew, 60 guys, who died on 9-11. And you know what the funny part is? I betcha 'ya, all the people in this bar, you could name five finalist from American Idol but they can't name one, one name of the 343 men who gave their lives from the FDNY on 9-11, huh. Anybody got a name? One name, huh? Anybody got a name of a dead fireman, huh? No, nobody, didn't think so. I don't have any money because my wallet and my badge were inside my new truck which got stolen this morning. My wife's pregnant, she's gonna have a baby. But we don't know who's it is because she's having sex with me and my brother. My uncle's in the joint because last year he shot my---this drunk driver that killed my only son and I just saw my son on a crosstown bus right in front of this place like three minutes ago. [Bartender gives Tommy the whole bottle of the expensive Irish whiskey]
He's retarded.
Like Rain Man retarded or Paris Hilton retarded?
Well, he can function, like Paris, he can go to the bathroom on his own which I assume Paris can do. He's pretty good with numbers, I'm not sayin' that the guy can count toothpicks off of the floor or anything and you know, he eats things.
Hey, hey now there's nothing retarded about that.
No, I'm not talkin' bout food things, Lou. I'm talking about actual things shit that's layin' around the room. Checkers, paper clips, erasers, pen caps, the guys small intestine must have a silver lining.
Well, you know how they talk about retards having like what's it called retard strength?
What're you lookin' at me for?
Well, maybe that's what Richard the retard has except all of his power is concentrated in his digestive track.
The thing is that I really wanna make a good impression with Nat, so I figured I take the guy to a ballgame.
Yeah, hey that's a good idea. A nice chance to bond.
Yeah, that should work out real nice, you know, assuming he doesn't eat the tickets before you get to the gate.
So, what're you? You a Muslim?
TDTaxi Driver
Yeah.
So what, you believe that you die and you go to heaven and you get what? Seventy...seven virgins?
TDTaxi Driver
Seventy-two.
Seventy-two, right. I mean...what's the point of that? If you think about it...I mean, virgins? When you go to heaven, I mean wouldn't you rather have whores?
TDTaxi Driver
You think that there are whores in heaven? There are no whores in heaven.
I mean, I would prefer that if I went to heaven I would get seventy-seven---
TDTaxi Driver
Seventy-two.
Okay. Seventy-two...whores. Chicks that know something, chicks that know how to blow 'ya---chicks that know tricks.
TDTaxi Driver
Lemme ask you somethin'--
What? What?
TDTaxi Driver
What are you...religion wise.
I'm nothing. I'm a lapsed Catholic.
TDTaxi Driver
Well, my friend, you're going to hell, okay?
I'd rather go to hell with seventy-seven---
TDTaxi Driver
Seventy-two. Seventy-two!
Okay, two-thousand whores! Three thousand whores and Babe Ruth and John Lennon and Elvis Presley, take me to hell. Jesus.
Why didn't you listen to me?
When?
Six years ago when I asked you to spend more time with the kids, to spend more time at home, to spend more time with me. All you had to do was to listen to me! All that was required was that you hear the words!
I heard the words, okay. I quit drinking, I quit my third job, I was home every Saturday.
No, you were always playing softball every Saturday during the summer. All winter you played hockey, all spring, all fall, and the only reason that you quit drinking was because Lou said to you that the chief said something to him---
That wasn't the only reason.
--- not because of me! Not because of the kids! Goddammit, Tommy! [she grabs his coat and shakes him and starts hitting him] All you had to do was listen!
[pinning her against the wall] Goddammit, stop! Are you gonna tell me that simply because I didn't listen well enough that you have ruined my life so far beyond what I could ever imagine? And that's why, because I didn't listen hard enough, and that's why, you're sucking my brother's cock?
Goddammit, Tommy, he was there when I needed someone I was scared shitless -- I just buried my only son.
So did I.
And what did you need, Tommy?
Ah, Goddammit! What did I need--
You know, I needed you! The old you. I needed someone to hold me in my bed at night when I cried. I needed someone to help me after I was done helping the girls wipe away their tears. But, the old you? He was gone. He's buried, with all of your lost brothers and you know what? You can tell all of your lost brothers to go to hell because we're here, and they're not.
Tell me that she is not a nun. Tell me that, she was wearing a nun costume like her French maid costume was at the dry cleaners or somethin', right?
[sighs] Okay. Your confusion is expected as was this conversation. What the mind sees is sometimes not which is real but the reality that is brought to it.
Really?
I'm brushing up on Buddhism. The Buddhist approach to things. Ask yourself this Tommy: If a tree falls in the forest... [Lou opens up a book. Tommy takes Lou's book and throws it out the window] ...and there's no one there to see it or hear it, would you still be such an asshole? Actually, you might've done me a favor there by discarding one of my possessions. That's part of the path to enlightenment.
Okay, my foot is about to take the enlightened path up your ass. Is she a nun or is she not a nun?
She's a semi-nun.
She's a semi-nun, what does that mean? She's in the Nun National Guard, huh? What, She's the bride of Christ one weekend a month? What the hell's that mean?!
Why don't you sit down and calm yourself and I'll make us some green tea. And we will talk.
I'm not sitting with you and doing anything, okay? You have crossed a boundary my friend.
You have boundaries?
I have one boundary Lou. One boundary and one boundary only, and that is no sex with nuns in the place where I live.
She's a nun until the end of the month, okay? She's leaving the order, they know all about it. She's trying to spend a few days, every week, out of the convent trying to adjust.
Trying to adjust what, her vagina?
She's living under their roof for a couple more weeks, she has to abide by their rules...This could be really big for me Tommy.
Oh, I'm sure--sure it is. A nun, what's bigger than a nun? A saint?
You know, I've got a chance here. She's only been with two guys, one was some clown back in high school and the other was, you know, Jesus.
Yeah, Jesus, our lord and savior who died for our sins, that Jesus, right?
Yeah but word on the street is that I was created in his image, you know. There are those people that say, that I too move in mysterious ways.
Uh huh. And technically she’s still married to him so that means she’s cheating on the son of God with you!
I got 100 pounds on the guy, and look no holes in my hands. Bring it on Jesus!
Okay, you just crossed the second boundary, I--I need to lay down. [clutching his chest] What is that smell? It is either the kitchen or I think you might have actually burned a hole in my soul...oh yeah that is it, uh, oh yeah...right through the middle of the soul.
I'm getting the feeling we're not on the same page here about this wedding.
No, I'm getting the feeling we're not in the same book.
Okay, well, I'll do it how ever you want, but what's important to me is that we're standing there taking our vows in the eyes of God, alright?
Where in the eyes of God?
Where do you think, Maggie? In a church, alright? In his house.
Can't God come to our house?
Maggie, please, can't you do this for me and my folks?
I'm no good in churches, Sean. They creep me out. All those statues looking down on me, judging, knowing all the dirty, promiscuous, unprotected sex I've had.
[in a church] I’m having a nicotine kick, I walk into any holy building and my body chemistry goes completely ape shit.
Don’t swear in here.
Ape shit is not a swear word. It’s a zoological term.
...
Can I smoke in here?
Maggie!
What? He walks around burning incense all day, what’s a little more smoke gonna do, right Sean? Right, Danny? [Maggie lights the cigarette]
PPriest
Uh-uh, there’s no smoking in here. [he hands her a tray and she puts the cigarette on it]
[to Sean] He’s probably gonna smoke that when we leave.
Okay, could you cut it out, please? Jesus. [to Priest] Ooh, sorry.
PPriest
The two of you haven’t come here on a dare, have you?
No, no, seriously father, please…ignore my fiancée she’s having some issues with the church and you know, we’re working them out…in counseling. Uh, yes, marriage, Catholic issue counseling. It’s really very helpful.
PPriest
I see. And where are you receiving this counseling?
Uh, Murphy’s Pub on 48th.
PPriest
Okay, I think we’re done here. Should, you uh, find a church that’s willing to marry you, I wanna wish you both the best of luck.
How dare you walk out on us you sanctimonious tool. You have no idea how important this is to him.
PPriest
I assisted during an exorcism in a small village outside Nairobi in 1977, or did we meet somewhere else?
You just ain't returnin' any of my calls, and that ain't very polite.
Yeah, well, you're the expert on polite. Wait, no, you're not.
I got you a present.
[looks in the bag] Two avocados?
Yeah, well, I was tryin' to come up with a peace offering, so I thought I'd bake you a cake or something only I don't know how to cook or any of that shit, so I thought I'd go to the store and buy you a cake only they're too expensive and I can't go to my bakery because I told the guy that his cannolis tasted like cat piss. So I got the avocados, I think they're ripe.
Well, I talked to Father Dan, or well tried to. It turns out that we have been banned from getting married anywhere near the Diocese, much less in it.
Well, Sean, I'm sorry, I really am. Can you not hear me say it? I'm sorry. Maggie Gavin is saying she's sorry. She must really be in love, huh? She is, Sean, in letters eight miles high.
You know, Maggie, yesterday after your performance with the priest I went home and I was really upset and I was thinkin' about you and I threw up. And I thought to myself, well maybe I'm not the smartest guy on the planet, but maybe you shouldn't get married to someone who actually makes you throw up, okay? I don't like to puke. It's not gonna work. [hands her the avocados and walks away]
Sean. Sean. You're making me cry. You're such an asshole!
Jesus Christ, he is now officially two hours overdue. I mean, this is unheard of. Jerry is never late.
Still gettin' Tommy's voice mail. Called him at home, the machine is full.
He was in the shower when I left this morning.
Maybe he like slipped and knocked himself out.
You know, the way that his life's been goin' that would be an improvement.
What do you wanna do, Lou?
What do I wanna do? What does Lou wanna do? Lou wants to sit here with a box of doughnuts and watch Frankenstein. That's what Lou wants to do. Although, that combination usually leads to a jerk off session so Lou will just stand here and worry.
You know, how would you rather go out? Lying there burnt up like Stack in some hospital bed. They come in and take you, bit by bit. Like you're a goddamn Mr. Potato Head. Or like Jerry? Bangin' away, free as a bird, his cock as hard as a shovel, huh? Mr. Potato Head style or cock like a shovel? Well?
I'm thinking. [pauses] Shovel cock.
Huh?
Shovel cock!
That's my boy.
Hey chief, do you wanna break this window?
Nah, this is beveled glass. He'll shit if we break this.
What about this one?
Nah, that's a storm window. I'll tell you what — we were down at the track last week. The guy owes me forty bucks, so let's see if we can find a forty dollar window.
[Franco and Sean put a chair through Jerry's back door window]
FDFuneral Director
This one is considered the Mercedes-Benz of caskets.
And how much?
FDFuneral Director
Fifteen thousand.
And the cemetery fees, the cost of embalming, and the wake and all of that...
FDFuneral Director
I'd have to sit down in front of the computer.
Ballpark.
FDFuneral Director
About forty thousand dollars.
Jesus, it'd be cheaper to buy a used Mercedes and put him in the trunk and drive him off of a goddamn bridge. Tommy, what do you think?
RRoseMary
Listen, it's all about sex and laughing, right? We can all die tomorrow, happy is the key. You gotta be happy.
Nice speech.
RRoseMary
You know where I first heard that speech?
Where?
RRoseMary
From you. After all that they put me through, mom and dad, you know how that made me feel. You gave me that speech, you opened up my eyes, you opened up my ears, Tommy. You made it seem so clear cut. [hugs him] Thank you.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Rescue Me pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.