Rescue Me quotes

Tommy

[about Colleen and Shawn waiting to have sex] She's not gettin' married, I'm tellin' you that. How did we go wrong? We purposefully raised her the wrong way, as a lapsed Catholic so now she enjoying herself on birth control, bangin' her brains out, but now she wants to reclaim her virginity and wait to have sex 'til she gets married. My daughter turned Amish on me, how's that possible? She's not gettin' married, she's not gonna end up like her mom, I'm tellin' 'ya.

Lou

Wh- What do you mean? Gorgeous, 40, and angry? She's Irish, she's gonna end up angry no matter what.

Tommy

She's not gettin' married, I'm tellin' 'ya. Too young!

Lou

Tommy, you keep that act up, she's gonna get married even sooner.

Tommy

I'm gonna tell 'ya what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna talk to her, have a conversation with her, and she's gonna end up having sex with him, okay? She's gonna have lots of sex with him, she's gonna have so much sex, that it's gonna turn into what sex is supposed to be: Boring, monotonous chore, just like it is for everyone else who's in a long-term relationship, and then he's gonna get bored, and then he's gonna leave, and then we're all set, and the marriage is off.

Lou

Right. So lemme get this start, you're gonna have a conversation with your teenage daughter, telling her to have sex with her boyfriend?

Tommy

Yes, I am.

Lou

Can I sit in on that conversation? Because it's gonna be so creepy, it's gonna reset the high end of my creep-meter for the rest of my life.

Mike

You know, uh, Frank, I got this uncle out in Staten Island and he owns this company, they transport hazard waste. I was gonna work for him, but a couple days before, 9/11 happened. And uh, I watched the news, and I saw all the people postin' flyers around town lookin' for their loved one's, and I just really felt, like I'm sure everybody did, that I had to do something, y'know. ... So, I decided to become a firefighter. You know, how a lot of kids wanna be firemen when they get older, well, I wanted to be a superhero. Even after, I knew that they really didn't exist, I still wanted to be one, because I wanted to fight the bad guys, you know. Frank, what I'm tryin' to say is... that I became a firefighter because of the bad guys did on 9/11, and if you're tellin' me that there are other bad guys and that they're our leaders, our people, the people who are supposed to watchin' out for everybody, that's too scary. I can't even think about that. I mean, I understand that there's evil in this world, but I just feel a lot better if it comes from some place that I don't call home.

Franco

Yeah. ... You say you were gonna take up transporting hazardous waste?

Mike

Yeah, I was gonna be a driver.

Franco

Jesus. I never thought I'd say this, but thank God for 9/11. [they laugh]

Colleen

What did you wanna talk to me about?

Tommy

Uh, I just wanted to say that, your mother and I... we're very proud of you, and we think Shawn's great.

Colleen

He is.

Tommy

Yes, and the being black thing, doesn't bother us at all. I mean, I think we've raised you kids with that color, creed, religion, you know... none of that stuff, you know, doesn't matter to us. And... you know, love, it's a big thing... it's... you know, it-- it, it just happens. And I think it's kinda important to... you know... What?

Colleen

What's the problem?

Tommy

There's no problem, honey, I just wanna... okay... If you were gonna buy a car, you'd test drive it, that's what I'm tryin' to say.

Colleen

Oh, my God.

Tommy

No, no, listen. If you were gonna test drive a car, you'd take it out and you'd drive it around, and you'd maybe take it on the highway...

Sean

[walks up]: Hey, Col, how are 'ya? You're gonna buy a car so I hear? Y'know my friend, Mark, is gettin' rid of this old--

Tommy

Y'know, she's all set, she's got a car. That's nice though. Thanks. [Sean walks off, Tommy continues his thought before Sean interrupted] Listen, I just think you know, it's important that the parts... fit.

Colleen

What parts?

Tommy

You know the parts, and don't make me say the parts, you--

Colleen

His penis in my vagina.

Sean

[overhearing]: You guys aren't talkin' about cars, are you? [Tommy makes a face, and Sean walks off]

Colleen

Are you actually tellin' me to have sex with Shawn?

Tommy

No... kinda... yeah. I'm just sayin' that I don't think it's such a bad idea for you to do it, okay? You don't have to do the whole thing... just y'know, do the Clinton thing, you don't have to go all the way--

Colleen

Oh, my God!

Tommy

Honey, what? I thought that would be easier.

Colleen

Dad! Dad, are you tellin' me to-- Oh, my God.

Tommy

I'm not tellin' you anything, what? What? It's a suggestion, I'm suggesting some stuff to help you with your--

Colleen

I'm telling mom.

Black Shawn

Hey, Tommy? Did you tell Colleen to go down on me?

Tommy

What?

Black Shawn

She said you said somethin' about Bill Clinton. ... I just find that shit, very, very disturbing.

Tommy

I didn't say anything like that.

Black Shawn

Now, here I am a good brother, tryin' to keep it real, and here you are tellin' her to go down on me, and service me in an oral fashion.

Tommy

Wh-what? Wh--What? See? This is the reason you can't tell anybody anything any more, it gets blow out of proportion!

Black Shawn

I'm gonna stay strong, and focused, and give her that good lovin' on our weddin' night!

Tommy

Wh-- Al-alright, but you wouldn't buy a car without test driving it!

Sheila

My husband was a firefighter when we met in high school, in his mind. His uncle Mike, Tommy's dad, had been a firefighter. His uncle Teddy. He and Tommy, that's the only thing they ever thought of being. So when I saw that new footage of Jimmy...it made me happy. I can't explain it, but I knew that he didn't...that he wasn't in the first building.

But all the reports were saying that...

Sheila

Do you know that feeling that you get when you just, like, so barely escape a car crash? You know, someone suddenly stops short or races in front of you at an intersection, and you think to yourself for a second, like, right as you slam the brakes, like, "oh. Oh! Okay, this might be it." You know? And all the air skips out of your lungs, and your heart feels like it's gonna explode with fright, and your skin sits up real tight on your bones, and there's this huge rush of breath and blood and... That shiver just shot, like, right through me, but not when the first building fell. It was during the second. I knew that Jimmy was gone during the second collapse. I stopped breathing. My eyes—I couldn't blink. My hands froze up like claws. And I thought to myself, "oh, we're never going to finish the kitchen." You know, cause we were working on the kitchen, putting in new counters and cabinets and stuff. And as those first floors began to tumble down...I mean, like, I don't know, however long it took, like, eleven seconds, my whole life, my love, the way I wake up in the morning every day, the way I go to sleep every night, all of that just changed forever. Floor by floor, I just disappeared. When you lose that one person that you, you know, were meant to be with for the rest of your life so unexpectedly and so soon, I don't— It's like, you know, who can walk into your... Real love? It's just gone. Talk. Touch. Sex. And breakfast. It's funny, you know. I totally thought that I was going to just go fetal and curl up in a ball and...and cry. But I didn't. I made arrangements. I carried my husband's helmet to the funeral. I listened to the mayor and the chief and Tommy talk about my husband. I buried him. I held my son as he cried against my shoulder, and I tucked him in that way every night for months. And then I went fetal for five years. Among many other things, I— I completely zeroed in on Tommy because he was the closest thing that I could find on this entire earth to replace Jimmy. I cursed Tommy. I slept with Tommy. I blamed Tommy. I made Tommy breakfast. Tommy finished my kitchen. I know that Tommy is haunted by Jimmy's death, literally. And I...I...I think that sometimes Tommy wishes that Jimmy had lived, and that he had died in Jimmy's place. And so do I.

Lou

Finally, a moment of self-awareness

Sean

No, seriously, I haven’t taken a shit in like five days. I’m really getting backed up. I feel like I have a shit turduckin sitting in my colon.

What’s a turduckin dude? I mean I get the turd part, but -

Lou

Fancy poultry thing. It’s a chicken jammed inside a duck jammed inside a turkey.

Sean

Yeah, except in my case it’s a shit jammed inside a bigger shit jammed inside a really big shit.

Tommy

Okay, never thought I’d say this, but can we go back to the twins?

Lou

Alright, here’s my theory: I think there’s some guy with this super twin producing sperm, running around Hollywood impregnating all these broads.

Sean

Who? Who is it?

Tommy

Here’s one way to find him, look for a guy with four balls.

Four balls, how do you think he deals with the chaffing issues?

Lou

Well, I have another theory and that theory involves fact that I think this guy put some of the celebrity baby money into design and construction of the special ball harness.

Sean

Oooh, like a basket.

Franco

No, more like a cradle.

Tommy

Like a ball hammock.

Lou

Ahh!

Tommy

And with that gentlemen, I bid you adieu.

Remember, she's got a boyfriend.

Tommy

Yes, she does... who's paralyzed... You know, his thing still works...

Janet

Are you kidding me?

Janet

You know, I guess when people are looking that far down their noses at you, you want to give them a good goddamn show. Yeah, you like it? I think we can go. You know, I'm not a fashion designer, but here's a fashion tip for you - never wear yellow because kids might try to ride you to school.

Sean

Do you think it's possible to die of shit poisoning? You know like if your shit backs up and you haven't shit for days and days and days? Do you just die or does it have to come out eventually? Because if so, I'm going to have invest in some earplugs.

Franco

Well, have you thought about getting your kidneys checked out?

Sean

What's that supposed to mean?

Franco

I'm just saying think I they have something to do with your waste functions. You might have a problem, you know?

Sean

Yeah? Well maybe you've got a problem, asshole, talking about other people's functions. What are you, a doctor?

Franco

You know I'm not, Sean.

Sean

Yeah, well shut your mouth.

Franco

Maybe ought to shut yours, shit's starting to come out of it.

Sean

Yeah, I wish.

Franco

[about his next boxing opponent] Yeah. No, this guy looks a little bit questionable chief. I mean is he in the department or what?

Needles

He's in the system.

Franco

The system. What system?

Needles

The penal system. Killed a guy with his thumb. Allegedly. Don't worry he's wearing gloves.

Teddy

Oh my God. Your father would be spinning if he knew you were having sex with these old timers.

Maggie

Oh please, dad would have given his God damn Purple Heart. Besides some of these Vietnam and Gulf war vets are totally hot. And I dabbled in Korean but that's where I draw the line. Anything beyond Korea would just be gross.

What are you doing?

Tommy

Flying a kite out of my ass. What do you think I'm doing?

Okay don't say that, now every time I look at your ass I'm gonna think about Ben Franklin coming out of it.

Black Shawn

You don't turn a ... hose on a black man.

Tommy

Yeah?

Black Shawn

Yeah, yeah, did you see the footage from Birmingham?

Tommy

See the footage? I was there.

Tommy

Great. He's drinkin' again?

Teddy

Like a Kennedy on election day!

Tommy

You’d better pray that if your Wall Street office, or your luxury, lonely loft that you’re always talkin’ about, if it’s full of smoke, that there’s a guy with balls as big as mine who jumps off a rig and runs in and carries you out. And I tell you what: If I do, if I happen to save your ass, or your ass, you know what I’m doin’ afterwards? When I get home, I’m gonna have a nice, big, tall, cold glass of vodka, or a nice, warm tumbler full of whisky. That’s what I’m gonna have. You guys got nothin’ for me? That’s what I’ve got for you. That’s my little message. I’m gonna spend the rest of my time on this particular planet drinking, and liking it. My suggestion to you: Try doin’ the same. Bottoms up, folks.