TV show quotes
Listen, man, real talk, deep down, you hate Tommy Gavin.
I do?
Yeah, because he's taught you everything you know about being a firefighter and the fact that he's had to save your sorry ass on more than one occasion, but deep down, despite the fact that he's an ego-maniacal self-centered son of a bitch, you wanna be just like 'em. Yeah, you wanna be Tommy Gavin. You wanna be exactly what you hate, and that's some sad shit.
Screw you, Probie!
[about Tony, Colleen's boyfriend] You know, he can't even read music.
Really?
Yeah. But, neither could John Lennon, by the way.
Yeah. [to himself] Where's Mark David Chapman when you need 'em?
[about Colleen] She kicked me in the shins, three times. Unbelievable.
Tom, quick suggestion.
Yeah.
If you wanna take steps to really, really improve your relationship with your daughter, not to mention your soon to be ex-wife, two words: shin guards.
Baseball and life, one and the same. Everybody says that life is too short. Bullshit. Life, unless you get cancer, hit by a bus, or set on fire,+ takes forever. Just like Baseball. Its a series of long, mind bogglingly boring stretches of time where absolutely nothing happens. So, You take a nap. Then, after a little while, when that crisp crack of the bat hitting the ball, so crisp you can almost smell the wood burning. Jolts you awake and you open your eyes to see something so exciting and intricate. Possibly very, very meaningful has just happened. But you missed it because you were just so god damn bored in the first place. Oh you know, couple of hot dogs, throw in some beers, the occasional blow job and that's that.
[about his inheritance] I already promised it to the Cancer Society.
Ugh. The Cancer Society. What's the cancer society gonna cure with your measly $100,000?
$250,000 actually.
If you give it to those people, you know what they're gonna use it for?
Research?
Postage, to send letters out to other people to get more money. It's a vicious cycle, Mike. Not to mention, that they're never gonna find a cure, 'cause there isn't one. Cancer is God's disease, it's his way of thinning out the herd. And it's cruel, and mysterious and no one's ever gonna figure it out, 'cause that's the way that God likes it.
[about opening a bar] Well, if I'm providing the money, then what are you guys bringing to the table?
Dude, I got my associate's degree from Scranton... almost. I would provide the business savvy. You would be the money, I would be the brain's. Got it?
Wait a second, if your dumbass is the brains, then what the hell does that make me?
Well, we're gonna need a bouncer for sure. I mean, if Mike's the money, and I'm the brains, you would be the brawn.
Why do I gotta be the brawn?
Well, first of all, Lou told me what you did to that bum in the fire the other day. Secondly, you're Puerto Rican, kinda scary. I mean, who's gonna mess around at a bar with a big, giant scary, Puerto Rican guy standing at the door, y'know? Except maybe other Puerto Ricans, but let's be honest, we're not gonna let them in.
Whatever, man. Give me whatever title you want, I just wanna be around to watch you two humps sink this damn ship.
Alright, what do you say, Mike?
As long as I get to name the place.
... No.
Okay. Deal.
Hey, Tom? Did you hear?
What?
Mike, Franco and I, we're buyin' a bar.
Uh, correction. Mike bought the bar, and I'm watching Garrity screw it up.
It's gonna be awesome. And if you have any suggestions Tom, we're totally open.
Uh, cool. Yeah, I got a couple. Build it on the edge of a cliff, go inside and start fixing it up and then pay somebody to come along and just push it over the side. It'll save you a lot of time and money.
Yeah, well, that's actually not gonna work 'cause we're opening it in the city.
Alright, quick quiz. You gotta pick one, you gotta lose one. Ball or eye?
Ball, or no eye. Or... ball. I mean, if you lose an eye, you can't even see your balls, so what's the point of that?
Pause, pause. I have the floor. Ball. It immediately cuts your chances of ball cancer in half.
That's a good point. I'm gonna go ball.
What if you pick the wrong one?
Eye. Definitely eye.
You and Tommy are tight, right?
Well, if you mean, we're close, then yeah. In terms of actual tightness, I can only speak for myself.
So if Tommy were to find out that one of the guy's on the crew was doin' somethin' behind his back that he might not be--
Oh my God, you're sleeping with Colleen.
How'd you know?
I'm right?
So is that bad?
It-- It could only be worse if you were banging Katy. Tell me you're not banging Katy.
Of course not. I'm not banging either one of them.
Wait a minute, you just said you were sleeping with Colleen.
I am.
So?
See, we're sleeping together but we're not like, y'know-- [makes a motion with his hand]
So you're not-- [makes a sex noise]
No, no, no. And if we ever do, I pray it won't look or sound anything like that.
So, what's the deal? Tommy's gonna kill you anyway, for just seeing her, you might as well get a little piece before you go.
Those days for me are over.
What getting laid days?
Listen, Lou, there's somethin' that you need to know about your man, Shawn, I've tapped plenty of asses in my day, good ass, and usually pretty quick. The quicker I tap it, the quicker I'm out the door. I'm looking for a real relationship here. You know, I want the sex to have value.
Well, your life's on the line, that's valuable.
Come on, you mean to tell me that you've never had a relationship where you waited to have sex?
Not on purpose.
Well, this is on purpose. The next ass I tap, is the ass I marry.
Oh, yeah, that's sweet. I'd like to see that on a sampler. But I would leave Tommy out of it, it's gonna be really hard to tap that ass from beyond the grave.
I'm sorry, you bought a lezbo bar? What are you crazy?
Well, it was a lezbo bar a long time ago.
Well, Mike, the whole reason we're doin' this, the whole reason we're buyin' this bar is because of the pussy vibe.
And to make money, dude.
No, Sean-o's right, it's because of the pussy.
Yeah, and now you stuck us with a place that possibly has the wrong pussy vibe...
Is there any pussy vibe that's wrong?
And you know what? The Realtor said that years ago this whole building was a gynecologist's office.
Okay, now, I gotta rethink the whole pussy vibe thing. Maybe it was a gynecologist's office longer than it was a lezbo bar. Which then, the good pussy vibe might counteract the bad.
I've waited my whole life for this. We're actually having a discussion about pussy Feng-Shui.
Thomas, you're just in time for another in a series of gripping exchanges and deep thought and personal wisdom.
What are we talkin' about?
Today's topic is the most number of times they've masturbated in one day.
Yeah, I'm 7, Sean's 4. Lou?
3.
Just 3?
Well, it's only 8:30, the day's young. I'd go for 4, but I'm doing food prep.
Well, yeah, but it takes a little longer now, I mean, the older you get... don't you need more time in between... you know...
Ejaculations?
Well, I mean, that's if you get technical, I was gonna say jizzes.
We did have a kid in the old neighborhood, Bobby Morgan, claimed he jacked off 17 times in one 24 hour period.
No way.
17 times, is that even possible?
Well, even more amazing than that, it was a school day.
Shit, 17 times.
Yeah, he said the last time, it pretty much just came out air.
So his cock farted? I mean, come on, if it comes out air, it's a fart.
I'm just waitin' for Tommy, I gotta talk to him.
Oh, about bangin' his daughter?
What the hell! Who told you? ... Lou!
Lou's bangin' her, too?
That's some bullshit, I cannot believe he told you. It's supposed to be top secret!
I heard it from Neills.
Neills knows?
What are you so surprised about? People hear juicy gossip, they're gonna spread it around. This is a firehouse, you take away the rig, the gear and the testosterone, it's nothing but a goddamn sorority in here.
[about his dad] Teddy, his was 82, okay--
What are you puttin' time limits on people now? Shut your mouth. Just because it's okay for you, doesn't mean it's goddamn okay for the rest of us.
Who says it's okay for me?
I seen 'ya, I seen 'ya at the funeral. I'm up there cryin' my eyes out like a bitch and you're sitting there like a goddamn stone. And then all that shit you said the other night after we watched the movies? You make me sick just to look at you. You're glad he's gone, you're glad because now you don't have to look at the kind of man that you'd never be.
[about his hearing] You know guys, I'm sure you're aware, if this doesn't go my way, which I'm sure it won't, they're gonna put me on immediate light duty and the odds are that I'm not gonna be comin' back to the firehouse. I just wanted to say--
[at the same time] Nah, nah, Tommy. We feel that same way. It's been an honor working with you.
Lemme just get this out of the way, and say it out loud, as firefighters, it's like a football team, y'know our pluses and minuses balanced out and we made a great team, we really did. And I felt really safe working with you guys, and you saved my ass many times and vice versa. But... you know, I felt blessed, and the other thing that I wanted to say... [they all tell him he doesn't have to] Let me just say this stuff, very quickly because it needs to be said, in case the guy that comes in and stands in my shoes doesn't put it out on the table, I'll do it for him. #1, you're a moron. [points to Sean] Don't argue with me, because you proved it in spades when you married my goddamn sister, okay? [Mike laughs] What are you laughin' about? Because if he's a moron, you're the king of the morons. Don't give me the look... Do me a favor, spell "moron".
Okay, spell what? [they laugh]
Franco, I really, wished you weren't the guy who laughed the hardest at that because, if you took one iota of energy that you spend everyday chasin' pussy and you put into somethin' good, like I don't know, helpin' mankind, I'm pretty sure at this point we'd have stitched up the whole in the ozone layers, there'd be no more wars, and this party would be in a bar owned by you and the planet Neptune. [to Black Shawn] You, can't really say too much about you, because I don't know well enough and it wouldn't be fair to judge you. But, life's unfair, so let me get it out of the way, you probably suck, too. [points to Lou] And this, my best friend, who is not only a loser with women and a giant slob, but a goddamn lush. [Lou nods] Case closed. So what does that say about me? Good luck, guys. See 'ya later.
[about Colleen and Shawn] But the kid's great, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't drink, I got nothin' bad to say about the kid. Is he my first choice to date Colleen? No.
Yeah, and I think you're real lucky too about the deciding to not have sex thing.
Yeah. ... What?
What you didn't know that?
What? They're not havin' sex? Why would they not be havin' sex?
Oh, I dunno, I dunno.
Why are they not havin' sex?
I don't know. [looks away]
Lou.
No reason. [Tommy makes a face at him] They're waiting.
Waiting for what?
Why don't we get this chair outta here?
Lou.
Until they get married... [Tommy bites down on his glove as Black Shawn passes by]
Oh, that sneaky little black son of a bitch!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Rescue Me pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
